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Is it werid that I don't have any friends?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by DarkClarity, Sep 19, 2012.

  1. DarkClarity

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    Is it strange that I don't have any friends? My feelings on this change frequently. Sometimes I simply don't care. I'm perfectly content being by myself. I don't have to worry about people's drama, constantly having to socialise and I just feel that having friends drains a lot of energy. I just feel like it's not worth investing what little emotional energy I have only to be disappointed. I'm not some sort of misanthrope or anything like that.

    On the flip side, sometimes I feel like absolute rubbish for not being able to just make friends like so many people can do quite easily. I'm not an outgoing friendly person. I'm quiet, introverted and I can be quite a dark, miserable cynic and I know people hate all those things. Do I have to change all of that for the sake of meeting people? I don't have anyone in my life that I can truly talk to about my feelings. Sometimes the lonliness is unbearable and I don't know what to do with myself.

    Unfortunely I can't escape my own head so I need a outside perception on this. I don't understand how my personality traits can contradict each other like this. Oh bloody hell! :bang:
     
  2. VivaLaVida

    VivaLaVida Guest

    I totally relate. I have never known anything beyond an acquaintance and while I have tried to convince myself that I am perfectly comfortable with this arrangement, it can be excruciating at times. I think we are not meant to be alone, solitude can help you but it can also do a lot of damage. We all need at least one person we can confide in and completely trust who is not a family member. I suppose the only sound advice I can offer is to always be true to who you are; people will either take it or leave it, most of the time they will leave it as has been in my experience but at least I know I am being true to myself and not compromising my essence as an individual for the sake of company. I didn't do that in high school and I am not about to start doing it now. Not everyone has the capacity to appreciate dark, miserable cynicism, or even uniqueness, there are some of us out there who love it but we are rare. Too bad you're all the way in the UK. Best wishes.
     
  3. bkdub

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    No that's not wierd. There was a period in my life where I didn't have any friends that I actually enjoyed going out with. During that time, I would just spend time by myself. However, when I got older I made some friends that I really like hanging out with. When I was young(particularly in high school) I was hopelessly depressed. I never hung out with friends or anything like that. I actually asked my parents to have my phone turned off. I am now going to college and I have a group of friends I really like to hang out with. Most of them do not know I am gay but I am sure they would be ok with it. When you get older, you'll make better friends. I can promise you that.
     
  4. RueBea85

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    I don't think that's really weird at all. I'm almost the exact same way. I do hang out with friends sometimes but most of the time I'm by myself. I have begun to try to change that by going out more. But there was a time last year where I didn't hang out with anyone at all. I think a lot of people probably go through this at some point.
     
  5. musikk021

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    I'm reading your post and it sounds like something I would've written. I've actually been wanting to ask this same question, too. I'm pretty much exactly like you and in your situation. I've never had an easy time making friends; I'm super quiet, shy, and introverted (plus I've developed depression and social anxiety over the years due to a number of reasons). That's not to say I'm not a good friend though. I'm the best, most loyal friend anyone could ask for, but too bad I'm too scared to put myself out there to make friends in the first place. I've always been a great friend to the friends I've had, but since circumstances change and things just fall apart, I've lost many relationships. I let my world revolve around one person and cut everyone else out; then when I lost that one person, I had no one left and had no will to make new relationships.

    I'm a junior in college now and am completely alone at school. I only keep in touch with a few people from high school, and I only see them occasionally. Freshman year of college, I made a good group of friends. Unfortunately, out of my own cynicism and self-doubt, I ended up pushing them away. One, I was too afraid of getting hurt again the way I did with my best friend (who I've been in love with forever). I didn't want to get attached to people and get left unexpectedly, so I left them before they had a chance to leave me. Two, I was too afraid to come out. So, to avoid having to come out to my friends, I just pushed them away so I wouldn't need to. Stupidest mistake I made because I know they were super gay-friendly. Three, it was kind of a self-fulfilled prophecy. I'm really pessimistic, and I always thought that this or that would go wrong and that our friendships would fall apart somehow. The more I kept thinking that, the more I unconsciously was making that come true. Anyways, I did have one gay guy friend from freshman year who stayed with me throughout college thus far, but he had to go study abroad this year, leaving me completely alone. I haven't made any new friends (and didn't last year either), and I don't expect to. I just go to class, go back to my room, and do homework. I eat all my meals alone in my room. When I'm done with work, I just watch tv on Netflix. I have zero social life.

    Most of the time, I'm just relieved to be on my own. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and go wherever I want on my own terms. I don't have to deal with other people's drama or worry about how I have to behave or watch what I say in front of them for fear of outing myself. It's just...freeing to be alone. At the same time, it feels like a prison, too. I'm trapped in the four walls of my room with nobody to talk to or to go see. I miss my old friends from freshman year, but I'm too scared to reach out to them first. I've basically pushed myself into this deserted island.

    Just know that you're not alone in being alone. I'm a lot like you, and I understand the pain. I just feel hopeless and wish I could change but don't know where to start. And I feel so doomed for life - if I can't even make a friend, how am I ever going to have a girlfriend?! :frowning2:

    Anyways, I'd be glad to talk to you if you'd like! You can message me on my wall or whatever.
     
  6. Tycho

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    Most of what has been said in this thread applies to me. I'm not even going to bother elaborating as it would just be a copy and paste of some of the posts haha.

    At least we're definitely not alone in the sense there are others like this around.
     
  7. stumble along

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    you're just an introvert, no biggy, im sure you have friends, you might not consider them friends and that's fine.

    im also fairly confident you have one or two good friends that you consider friends. you probably wont have a ton of friends in the long run, just a few really, really good ones.

    i dont really have advice for you since im the same way, but i guess i can tell you what ive been trying to do, and thats to open up alittle more and be a tiny bit more trustworthy.
     
  8. Byron

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    I have troubles getting past close acquaintance stage (hanging out in class but not out of it) to. As Stumble Along said, I think that your just naturally introverted like me.

    But being an introvert is not a bad thing. I like to point people to this video by Susan Cain on the power of introverts. Susan Cain: The power of introverts - YouTube

    Hope the video helps in some way or another. I also hope you can make some friends, without changing who you are to do so.
     
  9. musikk021

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    Thanks for sharing!! That was an excellent speech. I really enjoyed it, and I like the speaker. I've seen a number of TED talks before, and this is by far my favorite. :thumbsup:

    ---------- Post added 22nd Sep 2012 at 12:53 AM ----------

    To add onto that other video, here's another great one:

    Brene Brown - The power of vulnerability
     
  10. Chip

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    We are hardwired from birth for connection, and a sense of love and belonging. It is something all of us seek, crave, desire. But some of us, for various reasons, have difficulty getting the connection that we need. So in those cases, sometimes the coping mechanism is to numb ourselves and convince ourselves that we're self-sufficient and we don't need friends or anyone else.

    But that, for the most part, is BS.

    Even introverted people generally have one or two close friends, a spouse, someone that they connect with.

    So if you really don't have friends (and I apply this to the OP as well as to others that have commented in this thread), it might be worthwhile to look at what stands in the way.

    Sometimes it's that you didn't have the opportunity to develop social skills as well as your peers; that's a problem that can manifest in kindergarten, and, left unchecked, amplifies itself each year, so it isn't a problem you fix in a day or a week, but by understanding and working on it.

    Sometimes it's that you're painfully shy, and that is usually a shame and self-esteem issue, though it often masquerades as something else.

    And sometimes it's extremely strong shame, a sense that you're not worthy of love and belonging, that you don't "fit in", and the more you try to fit in, the more you feel shame because you don't.

    All of these are solvable issues. Brené Brown's video mentioned above is a really good place to start. If it connects with you, she has several others, all worth watching.

    Depending on which, if any, of the issues other than shame relate to you I can suggest some other references as well.
     
  11. CupidBoy

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    I don't have friends either, but hey you make due with what you have to work with. I've established some wonderful connections from the internet, I've even made a friend in Scotland, forums can be a fun way to socialize when you can't meet nice people in person.