I have only known my love interest for almost a month now, not long I know. As of last week, we have already acknowledged that we love one another and want to be together. Problem is, I am afraid to come out to my family. I don't care if anyone else knows I am with her which is a big step for me because I had problems in the past with people even thinking I might have been anything other than friends with my lesbian friends and would make it clear that I was straight. I cared a little less about what people thought with the second girl I dated who identified as a stud even though I knew I could not be with her because I cared too much about what my family thought. Now I'm with this woman who is also a stud and I care about her a lot in such a short time but I have never been one to jump into something blindly without really knowing the person. I don't want to lose her and I know that I want what we have to lead to a relationship. The only problem is that she kind of wants a relationship now, says she will wait but will slow down the way she feels about me when I feel that relationship or not we can still love one another while we get to know each other, and she wants me to tell my daughter and family about her and our relationship once we are in one. I am not ready to do so. Will it be selfish if I just tell her that I'm not ready to tell them? In time when we are in love I'm sure I will be proud and happy to say that we are together but if this doesn't work out, chances are I will never be with a woman again and I don't want my family to know that I ever was with one if I'm not with her.
Well, no you shouldn't be forced to come out. Nobody should out you without your consent or pressure you to do so. That's extremely unfair. At the same time, it is emotionally taxing for the partner who is queer and out to be with a person who wants to stay closeted. Things like the fact that the closeted partner may refuse public affection or refuse to acknowledge the relationship publicly are all hard for the other. So while you can't be forced, you need to have a heart-to-heart conversation about a reasonable time frame for you to come out of the closet. Is there something that you're really afraid of happening, like getting disowned? Is your family heterosexist? Are you married to man right now? Above all, is there anything we can do to help?
Hey there! I'm sorry to hear of your predicament. I think you need to regard your feelings as paramount but also consider your life situation and the consequences of your coming out to your parents. Are you financially independent? How far away do you live from home? If you live at home and you don't think your parents would approve, I could understand not wanting to come out. If you live on your own or with roommates, it would be more viable. Ultimately I really feel like no one should come out unless they're ready. Could you reasonably have a relationship and be closeted? It may be possible but it depends on your circumstances. Anyway, good luck. Don't come out solely for the approval of any given person (other than yourself) as in a way it gives them power over you and I truly believe there are more than one great partner for most people. If you are really uniquely suited to each other then out status is trivial. Be true to yourself.
Thanks for your advice. I really can see things from her standpoint and how frustrating it might be for her but at the same time it hurts me to know that I'm hurting her and also to think that I may never be ready and always remain closeted. My family isn't necessarily heterosexist and would likely accept us even though they might tell me they don't like the situation or think that I'm in it for the wrong reasons. I think they would be more shocked than anything and even at 32 I still live my life on the pedestal they put me on as a child so this is a huge struggle for me. I also spent the past 8 years of my life with a man who is bi and even though our relationship has been rocky, now that he suspects I'm seeing someone else he is trying to be back in my life. He is the one person I should be able to talk to about this since his relationship prior to him being with me was one where he lived with a man. ---------- Post added 20th Sep 2012 at 07:48 AM ---------- My parents actually live in another city but I do have a 12 year old child so I worry about her thoughts on the issue as well. She attends school in a highly conservative area and I'm not sure how she will be treated at school or if her friends' parents would continue allowing them to sleep over if anything like this ever got out. I don't care what they think but I do care about the impact their thoughts might have on her. My partner and I debated back and forth last night on this issue and I can tell that she is truly hurt as after I dropped off at home last night she kept saying I was going to make her cry and then I didn't hear from her like I usually do when I leave until I contacted her and she really thinks I am mistreating her. She does care more about me and having a relationship than me being "out" though and said that I didn't have to be out as long as we both know we are together so I feel a little better even though I'm not sure if that's how she really feels or if she just thinks I might budge. She doesn't really want to discuss the issue and I'm not pressing it because for now I feel we should just let it be and work on us.
That sounds like a very tricky situation. I understand your being concerned about the impact that it would have on your daughter. Honestly, and I realize I speak without knowing much about the situation, but, while I'm sure your partner has many good qualities, she sounds like she's being somewhat manipulative. I mean, she insinuated that you're mistreating her; are you? If you are, try to work on that, but unless you treated her unkindly in public then being closeted has nothing to do with that. I can understand that having cases where you have to deny being a couple in public could be very hurtful, but has that in fact happened? My general sense is that, although some people want everyone else to know their relationship status (and heterosexual people can usually do this without fear of reprisal), a relationship is between two people and it's no one else's business except perhaps where job benefits are concerned. I maintain that you can probably fashion your life in such a way that you can remain largely closeted and still have a very intimate relationship. It will take some work, but you definitely can make a great partner for someone as you are. If your partner thinks your being closeted is tantamount to abuse, then that's pretty scary and I would see it as a major red flag. I mean, you have a daughter, and so you have to take her well-being into consideration as well. If your girlfriend thinks that's unreasonable, then she's likely not the one for you. I guess it comes down to this: coming out could very well be a good idea. But, as you decide how and when to do it, do so in such a way that, if your girlfriend left you a month from now, you would still be reasonably happy and reasonably positioned to live a good life and provide one for your daughter. The best course of action will be one that leaves you in a good situation with or without your girlfriend. Good luck, and feel free to bounce ideas off us here.
