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My GF is sleeping upstairs and I'm avoiding going up... (about sex)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by commandZ, Sep 19, 2012.

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  1. commandZ

    commandZ
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    So it's hard enough being gay in the closet and having a girlfriend. My problem right now is that she really loves sex. And I if you can guess I have a hard time being interested. So she's gone to bed and I'm in the kitchen typing this avoiding ascending because 9 times out of 10 she will put the moves on me and if I deny her it's way worse. I know I'm not going to get a ton of sympathy and a lot of you will tell me to tell her and do the "right thing" but it's going to break her heart. I suppose that will happen either way and I will be honest with her eventually! But for now the question is how can I get out of sex without making her feel denied?

    Suggestions?
     
    #1 commandZ, Sep 19, 2012
  2. Lexington

    Lexington
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    1. You can break her heart now.
    2. You can break her heart later, after stringing her along, keeping her attached to somebody who doesn't desire her back.

    For now? You made the bed... :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
    #2 Lexington, Sep 19, 2012
  3. commandZ

    commandZ
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    yeah, that's the kind of response I had expected! And yeah I know you're right.
     
    #3 commandZ, Sep 19, 2012
  4. Lance

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    Exactly what is your reasoning for holding onto a miserable relationship?
     
    #4 Lance, Sep 19, 2012
  5. Zontar

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    Now or later, bud. If you're fully gay, you already know what's gotta happen.
     
    #5 Zontar, Sep 19, 2012
  6. Pret Allez

    Pret Allez
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    Sorry, but this is a moral requirement, and not all decisions are easy.

    But I really hope she takes it well and at least appreciates your honesty. And I wish you the best of luck finding a boyfriend, you stud. :slight_smile:
     
    #6 Pret Allez, Sep 19, 2012
  7. Chip

    Chip
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    It's difficult, and I think it's a natural tendency to put off unpleasant conversations we don't want to have.

    One useful tip: In almost 100% of cases, the *fear* of walking into the darkness of a difficult situation is way worse than actually walking into the situation. So if you can psych yourself up enough to have the conversation, it will definitely be better than all of the difficulty you're experiencing right now.

    Something else to think about: You may have rationalized the situation by saying you don't want to hurt her, or want to let her down easy... but think for a moment about turning the tables. If you were really in love with someone who was unable to love you back, would you want them to continue stringing you along, because they "don't want to hurt you"? Or would you want to hear the truth so you can start the process of moving on with your life.

    I realize you may know all of this... but I think you owe it to yourself and to her to find the courage to take the steps you know you need to take. Why not set yourself a firm day on which you're going to have the talk with her? That way, you establish a timeline and you can hold yourself accountable to it.

    As for how to avoid sex... well, you can simply say you don't feel like it. And she should be willing to respect your wishes. Sex is a two-way street, and both parties have to be engaged, otherwise there's nothing fun about it. If she makes a big deal about it, that in itself is problematic because she's not being sensitive to your needs. I suppose you could use that as an excuse to bring up the situation and break up with her, but it would be much better done in a moment of calm, not one of anger.
     
    #7 Chip, Sep 19, 2012
  8. VanceA

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    I'd let her know your not feeling well, if push comes to shove just make up fake non external symptoms. Nausea, achy bones/joints, stomach pains, ect.

    I would advise for a long term solution you are going to tell her than your going through depression and you do need time and space to think things through. That doesn't mean you have to break up and move out but you just need time to yourself to gather your thoughts regarding the whole situation.
     
    #8 VanceA, Sep 20, 2012
  9. commandZ

    commandZ
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    Thanks VanceA. Helpful.
     
    #9 commandZ, Sep 20, 2012
  10. King

    King Guest

    Although others may disagree, I strongly suggest this. Not only does it give you space and time to think about everything, but it also opens the door to ending the relationship without bad blood.
    Good luck. x
     
    #10 King, Sep 20, 2012
  11. Jim1454

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    Well... if someone is really depressed, there's not really anything to think about regarding their relationship. The relationship isn't the problem - depression is.

    So that isn't really going to be an excuse that holds water. Saying that you "need time and space to think things through" means that you're thinking about the relationship. And that will be interpretted only one way by his girlfriend - he's not happy in the relationship. And if she's assuming he's straight, then she's going to assume that it's something about her. I don't think many people, when told that their partner "needs time and space to think things through" will be able to simply say "Oh, OK. Take all the time you need." and not wonder what the problem is.

    It could be that it's time for you to have the conversation with her about your orientation. And you don't need to commit to anything (being bi or gay, ending the relationship, etc.) right now. But I think you do need to let her know that the relationship is on a weaker footing than she perhaps thinks. And it will be the two of you who will determine how quickly you resolve it once and for all. She might want you out by next weekend. She might be comfortable remaining room mates for a while. She might refuse to acknowledge what you've told her and live in denial for a while. It could go any number of ways.

    But I would encourage you to have the talk so that both of you can really move on with your lives. It can be so much better than it is right now. Trust me - I know.
     
    #11 Jim1454, Sep 21, 2012
  12. VanceA

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    As someone who has bouts of depression and has a partner who has bouts of depression when we talk of needing space it is never a negative in our relationship. Lots o people need o work on themselves outside of a relationship.
     
    #12 VanceA, Sep 21, 2012
  13. Chip

    Chip
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    But that isn't the OP's problem. His problem is that he's gay, closeted, and has a girlfriend who wants sex on a regular basis. Lying to his girlfriend about nonexistent depression is not going to solve the problem in the long term, and will end up hurting her more when she eventually figures out (or is told) that the reason it's never going to work is because he's gay. She'll feel betrayed and lied to... because she was.

    Choosing discomfort and authenticity is always better than lying to make it easier. Lying nearly always comes back to bite you in the ass, and while it may kick the discomfort down the road a little, it makes it worse when the situation does finally come out.
     
    #13 Chip, Sep 21, 2012
  14. VanceA

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    I was going of of the op's previous thread regarding depression. Not inventing fake depression.
     
    #14 VanceA, Sep 21, 2012
  15. commandZ

    commandZ
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    The hard part is that it's not so black and white. I wouldn't describe our relationship as miserable. I love her...just not the same way she loves me. If she was a man I would say we are soul mates (as cheesy as that sounds).

    I know the answers. It's on the tip of my tongue. I just need to figure out what I'm so afraid of.
     
    #15 commandZ, Sep 21, 2012
  16. pinklov3ly

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    I know where you're coming from because while I was with my ex, I tried avoiding sexual contact with him. It was obvious to him that I did not enjoy sex, so he stopped initiating contact. He knew I was struggling with trying to accept being gay. Luckily, for me being a woman, I was able to lie about certain things. In the end, I felt incredibly guilty, so I had to break things off with him. I think honesty is the best policy because like, Chip said, it will come back to bite you in the ass :eusa_doh:
     
    #16 pinklov3ly, Sep 21, 2012
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