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Not sure if im a CD or TG

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TransCurious, Sep 20, 2012.

  1. TransCurious

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Indiana
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Alright so basically Im a little confused on whether or not Im a closeted CrossDresser or a closeted Transgender or maybe even neither depending on what you guys think.

    Where to start where to start....I guess I'll go as far back as I can remember I first started dressing up. I believe I was between 4 and 6 years old when I first "dressed up" obviously nothing extravegant as I was to young to do much but I do remember taking one of my younger sisters dresses and trying it on one night, cant remember how I felt only that I felt a strong need to put it on. I think I got caught by my mom or aunt at the time. Thankfully I wasnt scolded or worse. The only thing I can remember is them laughing after catching me in the act and then closeing the door and going back to the living room. Again this is the earliest event in my life I can link to this current and on going confusion.

    I also remember ALWAYS wanting to have my hair long but parents wouldnt allow me to grow it out until I could "take care of myself" not sure if this has anything to do with it all I know is guys typically want shorter hair as long hair is "only for girls" I currently have long and layered hair which I absolutely adore! I take great pride in my hair and will snap on someone if the have an unfriendly comment towards me being a boy with long hair.

    Im very sensitive and quiet for the typical guy. I never really associated myself with a lot of boy norms. I didnt like sports, I wanted long hair, Im VERY emotional and empathetic with others, I listen very well whenever someone has issues and needs someone to listen. I like to think I can help people even if all I can do is simply listen. I hated and still do hate rough housing in any form. In fact if it wasnt for video games Id say thats about the only "manly" thing I do!

    Not sure if this has something to do with it or not but when I was growing up (between 7 til about 13 Id say) Whenever me and my dad would go out shopping and we passed by the womens clothing section he would point out a bra and say "I bet youd look great in that!" and then laugh it off, my dad has a terrible sense of humor. I didnt think this was funny in fact I felt bad about it and still really dont know why as most boys Id think would fight back on this but I just stayed quiet and embaressed.

    Alright now that you guys know a little bit more about me I can go into detail what happened to me later on in life:

    Age 14-15 - This is when I started realizeing I was attracted to males. I accidently came across a yaoi manga online (not sure how many of you know what this is but its pretty much a gay comic) I didnt really take notice to how attractive men could be until that. I went through a year or so coming to cope with the fact I was attracted to men. At first I felt dirty and resented myself for even thinking in this way as I grew up with the mind set of boys date girls and such, no gay bashing or hateing just that girls were the only option I had pretty much.

    Age 15-17 - I was dateing this girl, still the only girl ive been intimate with sexually and emotionally. She was rather controlling and in charge of the relationship which I was okay with as I didnt really know what to do. This was my mistake as she only wanted me to be with her and NO ONE else, going on to keep me from my friends and family. We were next door neighbors so everyday we would be together pretty much. Anyways SHE was actually the one who first started getting me dressed up as a girl! At first I told her she was crazy if she thought that was gonna happen but inevitably it happened, but to my surprise I liked it! I just liked how pretty I looked! I had never felt a sensation like this wash over me completely like how this made me feel. Now I never went out like this with the exception of Halloween as this was/still is my safe day to dress up and get away with it in public. Oh how I loved it to the stares I got from the boys made me feel alive like Ive never felt before! I know the didnt suspect me either because I never said a word until we approached a house to get candy. I went with my sister and gf all of us dressed up and pretty, theyd pass out candy to my sis and gf first then me. Now when I got the candy I said in my deepest manliest voice "Thanks" and I would get the craziest looks! Theyd have to call someone from there house to come and make sure they werent going crazy or something. I thought this was rather funny and flattering though.

    Age 17-18 - After my ex left me for reasons Id rather leave out for now, I tried dateing a guy for the first time and was rather disappointed. It didnt feel the same as when I was with my ex. We didnt date long maybe like 3-5 months if that in comparison to 2 1/2 years. He seemed out of sync with me I cant really explain it just that he seemed open to the idea of being with a boy but he seemed more interested in girls. Anyways I just stopped with him when he preffered my female best friend (at the time) than me.

    Age 19 - I tried dateing another guy this time I was more intimate, first time I had sex with a guy. He was a little older about 22 or 23 he wasnt very attractive either I really dont know why I did it or anything honestly. He was a huge dissappointment as he wasnt a generous lover if you catch my meaning. He was also pretty nerdy not something Im against but we are talking like otaku nerdy just kinda weird really. Anyway that was the last time Ive been with a guy or anyone for that matter.

    Even after my last dissapointing experience with a male sexually I know Im still attracted to men as I at times feel "heated" for a guy :icon_redf which is a little odd as like I said he wasnt great or good for that matter. So for that one reason I still consider myself Bi.

    So here recently and Im talking the past 2 weeks Ive felt the need to dress up again and even went to my sisters old room and took some of her clothes: A deep V shirt, skirt, bra, and underware. When I put them on I got that amazing rush again and was really surprised to see that I was even prettier dressed up now then I was a few years back! and this was just a throw together outfit!

    Not sure where to put this in so Ill just put it here at the end. Whenever I get out of the shower I'll sometimes look at myself in the mirror and think "Youll never find someone who loves you youre too ugly for anyone to love". Now when I got dressed up like I said I felt more atractive than ever! Especially compared to my current male sense of dressing which I find rather odd also.

    I dont THINK I left anything else important out but should I remember something Ill be sure to add it to the post. Also if you guys have any questions about any of the content Ive put in here or anything else Ill be more than happy to answer to the best of my ability. Until then thanks to all who have taken the time to read my post and if interested I have pics of me, both in guy form and girl form (past and current) if you think this will somehow help in figureing this out or if youre just curious to see!

    Thanks again!
     
  2. J Snow

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Hello and welcome to the site =)

    First off, just so you know, if you are a cross dresser you are by definition transgender. Transgender is an umbrella term for many different identities that defy the standard gender norms of the individuals biological sex. Cross dresser is one such identity considered transgender. I believe the term you are thinking of is transsexual, a separate transgender identity in which a person feels they are the gender opposite of the sex they were born.


    I personally don't read a whole lot into the "signs" from childhood. Many trans people have lots of supposed indicators while others don't feel anything until later. In my opinion I think its better not to worry about anything before puberty.

    I feel like you might be taking your sexual orientation into too much considering in determine your gender identity. They are two separate things. In fact, the last statistic I said showed that there is a nearly equal amount of heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual transwomen. So whatever your attracted to doesn't really play a factor at all.

    I can't tell you if you are transsexual or not, but it seems very possible. The thoughts about whether your are or not seem very important, and at the very least I think you should explore the matter further. If possible I would strongly recommend you talk to a counselor about these feelings.

    Best of luck (*hug*)
     

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