Obviously I wouldn't do it in a public place or in front of anyone but just wondering what you all think about this? (The person I'd like to ask looks like a stereotypical lesbian - short hair, dresses not very girly, etc. she also strongly supports LGBT rights and if it's relevant she has her 'interested in' hidden on Facebook ) I know I'll probably get a lot of "just wait until she comes out" but I've known her for about 5 years and been close friends for 3 so can I just ask?
Hi there! My question to you would be: are you out to her? If you are and she hasn't mentioned anything to you yet, I think it would be best for you wait for her to tell you. Even though there are things about her that look like "stereotypical lesbian" that doesn't mean that she is. Just because she strongly supports LGBT rights, that doesn't mean anything. There is always the chance that she is straight too! Plus, try putting yourself in her shoes. Would you like it, if you were questioning your sexual orientation, unsure of your feelings, and perhaps being afraid of what others would think (even with having friends who identify with the same sexual orientation) and your would be asked: btw... are you a lesbian? Probably not that much.
I think it should be fine, so long as you do it right. You'd have to broach the question gingerly-- "Hey, something's on my mind-- can I ask you something?" I doubt she'll say "no" there But then you say something along the lines of "I don't mean to be rude, but I couldn't help but wonder; are you gay?" Like others have said, it will be better if you're out to her. Also, how good of friends are you two? If she's just an acquaintance, then it can be fine just the way I mentioned, but if she's more of a close friend, then you should wait for her to come out to you.
Beware she may not be ready to come out, so you may get a denial (if she is gay). However there is no problem in asking, just be really casual about it. If she does reply 'yes' make her feel at ease by further highlighting your sexuality and saying things like "awesome I have another LGBT friend to talk too", joke around etc. etc. just to make her feel comfortable afterwards. Your reaction is just as important as how you ask.
Well, you could start by talking about your own experience and coming out process. That might encourage her to open up. If not, you could gently ask, "what about you, have you ever had feelings for girls before?" But it's really best if it's in the context of you talking about yourself, first.
I wouldn't suggest just asking her straight up like that. Does she know you're bi? If not, then you can tell her and open up the conversation that way. Otherwise, you can talk about other lgbt things and the more you discuss those topics, the better you can gauge her own orientation, I'd think.
Maybe instead of asking her if she is gay, you could ask her if she has ever had a crush on a girl, while at the same time reassuring her that you would be totally cool with it if she says yes.
Ok thanks for all your advice, she knows I support LGBT stuff but doesn't know I'm bi so I'll probably just wait to see if she comes out/suddenly has a girlfriend lol
If she doesn't know that you are bi, why not come out to her? You might actually give her encouragement to open up as well, if she is questioning.
