I now know for sure that I'm "asexual" which I guess in the LGBT community, is defined as someone who does not have any sexual desires towards any gender. But that's not to say that I'm not physically/romantically/sexually attracted to people, sometimes I am and sometimes I’m not….usually I’m not. I just don't like having sex. I've had plenty of it and have never orgasmed with a guy's penis inside of me. I’m not even sure how I feel towards men. I’ll find them to be cute/attractive from time to time, but I never really seem to go beyond that. Same with women. I don’t even know if I’m really attracted to women or if I’m just jealous of their beautifully in-shape bodies. I just don’t feel attraction to anyone. I’ve been in two long term relationships. The first (at age 19) was with a guy who I was absolutely in love with. I had been battling depression and loneliness that when I finally experienced true love, I became so much happier. But that relationship ended because ultimately we wanted different things and it wouldn’t have worked between us. The second (at age 22) relationship was with my best friend because he was in love with me, but I wasn’t in love with him. Of course I loved him and cared about him but I wasn’t IN love with him. I wasn’t even attracted to him really, we had lots of fun and whatever, but I just wasn’t happy and so we ended our relationship. With him, it was just a friendship love. It was like I was in a relationship with someone who I just wanted to be friends with. During high school, I was never interested in dating or relationships. But towards the end I started getting lonely and depressed. I remember sophomore year, I was very confused about myself (and still currently am) but started experimenting with my friend who was bisexual. She wanted to run around the campus showing off to her ex boyfriends that they turned her gay, so we would hold hands and walk past them (I know, I know…we were immature kids) to try and make them jealous…or something. Again, we were kids (nearly 10 years ago). It started to evolve between us though, to where we would cuddle and hold each other. I don’t remember really focusing on my feelings though. I think I just pushed my feelings away because I thought I was being wrong and not doing what I’m supposed to be doing, which is being interested in men. That was really the extent of my experimenting days. Currently, I feel like I’m lying to myself. But I don’t know about what. I’m just very confused and need people to talk to. I had convinced myself that maybe I’m just bad with men. But my friend convinced me that just because I may have had a couple of bad experiences with men, doesn’t mean I’m bad with men. Either way, I don’t think a bad experience can turn someone gay…..or can it? Has it happened to anyone? I’m not looking for labels, I’m just trying to figure myself out, because I do feel attracted to both men and women but I still feel very different from others who are straight and gay. I just feel very alienated in the way I feel.
Firstly welcome to EC. Secondly I would say you probably feel differently to the way you imagine most straight and gay people feel but before I came to EC sorted out what I was and met all the amazing people here, I thought I was totally alone and totally unique in what I was going through. Can I ask is it that you feel sexually attracted to people but then when you get close to them you go off the idea, or are you just not interested at all? I think that on the whole you are still quite young, the relationship you had with your male friend, you say you werent in love with him so I think it was unlikely that the sex was going to be good as it sounds like you went out with him because you felt you should go out with a guy and he was in love with you so why not. The relationship you had with your female friend also sounds like a relationship that wasnt exactly what you wanted, not that you totally disliked it but it was more about what others around you wanted. It is not so much about the amount of sex you have, because having lots of sex with the wrong person is never going to make it better. Not that im saying you shouldnt have done it. Bad sex/experiences can absolutely definitely not make you gay, if you are attracted to girls now then you would have been before as well, its just you make not have noticed. I think you need to just take a bit of time to concentrate on exactly what you want and feel, just talk to some people here and you'll work it out and see you are not alone.
Actually, I've only dated two men in my life. Unless if you are talking about the girl in my sophomore year, that wasn't really a serious relationship, it was more of a fling. She ended up developing feelings for me, but at the time, dating a girl was so foreign and taboo to me, I ignored my feelings, and now to be honest I don't remember how I felt about her when she told me she had feelings for me. Thank you for your post by the way. I think you're right, I never really noticed or paid attention because relationships were never any concern to me until about a few years ago. Now that I think about it, back in elementary school and junior high, I never crushed on guys even when all the girls wouldn't shut up about their crushes or who they thought was hot.
Yeah I never got what my friends saw in guys, I mean sure I knew which ones were cute and stuff but I was just like yeah they are guys. I didnt at the time see any attraction to girls either I think I totally dismissed any attraction as pure admiration and the wish to be like them. I guess I always thought I would grow into crushing on guys but it never happened, and then something just stirred my attraction to girls up in my early twenties and I started questioning myself, after a lot of confusing and frustration I came out as gay and now im happily in a relationship with a girl.
Me too, I knew who the cute ones were but I never really crushed on them. I remember telling my friends I had crushes on some of the boys but that was just for acceptance. Haha, I was young and didn't know any better I suppose. However, in junior high and high school, there were only 3 guys I actually crushed on but it never developed into anything more and even went away after a while. I just feel so lost. I know for sure I'm asexual, I can't just jump into bed with just anyone. I feel much better getting to know them on a deeper more personal level and even then, I still don't crave sex. I'd have to be head over heels in love with someone to actually want to sleep with them. One night stands are mysteries to me. This is what I know about myself as facts. But everything else about my sexuality is a foggy haze. I don't even know if I really enjoy women. I've only dated two different men in my life so I only have those experiences to work with. I just don't know.
Its ok you can just work from what you do know and then explore the other things and soon you will know more things about yourself. Before I worked out I was gay and accepted myself I was never interested that much in sex, I guess I was so confused I didnt really know what I wanted, I mean if I had been craving sex with women all along then it would have made figuring it out a little easier. Acceptance and the begingin of coming out awoke almost like a second puberty (or the first puberty I never had) within me, but for girls of course. Have you ever watched any tv shows or movies with a lesbian theme or characters in them?
I watched Ellen Digeneres' first show (the one that ended after like 5 season, then I watched the first season of the next show but then that was cancelled too). I loved the first one, it was an awesome mix of hilarious and drama. I love her! That show made me cry at the end.
Happy and thought it was really cute. Even in real life, I really just felt happy when I see any couple, gay or straight. Whether I see two guys, two girls, or one guy and one girl together in a romantic relationship, I always feel happy for them and wish them the best. It has been a while since I've seen that show, I kinda want to see it again.
Yeah there are some others, I dont know whether you can get them on the internet but the most famous of all is probably the L word, but there are some English shows like Sugar Rush, Tipping the velvet or Lip Service. Or movies such as I cant think straight or But im a cheer leader, or my all time favourite Imagine me and You.
Oh cool! I'll definitely look into those. I really just use Netflix or YouTube to find shows/movies, but I know of a couple other websites that might have them.
Im sure you will find something. I know when I was first working out my sexuality watching tv or films with lesbian couples helped me realise that was what I really enjoyed and that was what I wanted. How are you doing otherwise?
Other than being immensely confused, I'm doing ok. lol. I'm having some issues with my best friend. He's the second guy I dated and he wants his space from me so he can move on, so we haven't spoken to each other in a while and it's really saddening. I really feel like I don't have any friends I can talk to outside of school. But other than that, I've just been trying to study and do well in my classes. I'm just really lonely and not used to not having someone to always talk to.
Thats tough. You always have people to talk to here on EC, I know its not the same but its better than nothing.
