Hi, I have been looking and searching other posts to find the answer to my individual situation. I know that everyone's story is different so the only way I can get advice is posting my own story. I came out to myself about 2 or 3 weeks ago. This is after about 40 years of having gay feelings but suppressing them because I was raised by a family who made fun of "those" kind of people. Because of building stresses in my life (financial, family, home, etc....) I kinda had a mini nervous breakdown. The memories of being bullied and being called names as I grew up were coming back to the forefront of my mind. I had to finally admit and accept that I was gay. This was the first hardest thing I had to do. The next hardest thing was to tell my wife of almost 17 years. I did and there were tears but in her way of being able to cope with the situation, she was able to crack a joke or two. The same day, we told our daughters (ages 12 and 15). They are fine with it but are upset because of the impending end of the marriage. Now what? My wife asks me what I want to do and all I can tell her that I don't know yet. I know thats not fair to her. She is being amazing through this whole thing. Very supportive but I am not being fair to her by bit being able to tell her what is next. She told me that she wsnts to stay married knowing that we can go to the mall and check out the same guys (lol). I don't picture myself with a man in a relationship (yet). I just don't know what I am supposed to do next. My main goal throughout all of this is not to hurt the woman that I fell in live with 20 years ago. She is always going to be my best friend, no matter where our marriage goes. Ok. I won't keep running on and on with this. Any comments suggestions or help will be greatly appreciated. Also, because of other reasons, I have no contact with my own family. My kids, my wife and her family are my family. Thanks. JT
This is amazing, congrats on coming out, this must have been hard. Your wife sounds very supportive, a great person. I am not experienced at all to give you thorough advice but one thing I would recommend is that everything you wrote in your post about your wife you tell her in person or in a letter. Tell her that you are amazed by her supportiveness, tell her that you feel you are not being fair, tell her that you want the best for her, tell her she is is always gonna be your best friend, etc. If you have already done so, just do it again. I think she really needs to know this. Good luck, and enjoy the beginning of your new, wonderful life!
Hi JT My marriage of 16 years has just come to an end, my wife left me probably because there was no spark in a sexual way. She knew that I have struggled with my sexuality over the years (she was the only one who knows) and probably in a sense struggled with hers.. We have children together who are sad we have split up, but who don't know about our sexual inclinations. I know where you are coming from and if I can help, even it is to just share feelings, feel free to drop me a message. I don't have answers yet as only been here a week but at least you know that you are not alone and it happens to others as well..
Wow, you are so brave! Congrats on coming out. I know that must have been so hard! Wow, I can't even imagine. I came out to myself at 12 and to the world at 14, so it's always been part of my identity and how I define myself. I can't imagine coming out as an adult after trying to live as a straight person for so long. You are very, very brave, and you should be super proud of yourself for coming out! I hope your kids will be okay. I think now would be a good time to make sure they know how much you love them, how it's not their fault, how you're divorcing their mom and not them, etc. all the things parents are supposed to say in this situation. Make sure they know that you are still their dad and that this whole situation doesn't change your feelings toward them.
Hi JB It's great that you were able to come out. You have moved very quickly, it seems to me - came out to yourself less than a month ago, then told your wife and daughters on the same day!!! I came out to my husband just under a month ago, having "known" (for certain) myself that I'm gay for about 5 months. We haven't told our kids, 19 and 13, yet, but I plan to tell my son, 19, soon. There are quite a few guys on EC who have come out while married, and are at various stages in the process. Look for Maxx, Tom-100, Jim1492 (might've got that number wrong!!) Aldrick and 55. Read their threads or post on their walls to get their advice - they give FABULOUS advice and support!! Honestly - you've come to the right place! Your wife sounds amazing, by the way! Hope things carry on being peaceful between you. We have bad-days, worse-days and slightly-better-days, but not really good-days, at the moment I'm hoping things become easier with time! Check out my threads for more details. Good luck!! Bluebird xx
Thank you for replying to my post. Those who hadn't replied but read and took something positive from my experience, I'm glad it helped. Updating my journey: The fact of me being gay has sunk in a little deeper to all of us involved. My wife is still being amazing. As much as I see it hurts her, we are still talking about that I will stay here in the house with her until after Christmas (mostly because of financial reasons). Yes, we are still in the same bed but have been living like roommates (no sexual intent) for a couple of years. One reason I came out is to let her know that I didn't have sexual desires because of what I was going through and it had nothing to do with her. She always thought that I just had no desire for her. She knows the truth now. My daughters are handling this all like the amazing girls they are. My youngest (12) is more upset because we are splitting up the family and not because of me being gay. She has told her counselor at school but hasn't told any of her friends. She wants to tell her best friend. My wife told her that if she tells one of her friends, that the info will spread amongst all the kids and some may be mean about it and say bad things about me and her and just be the way 7th graders can be. She says "Well, I love my daddy more than those fake friends anyway". Do I have an amazing daughter or what? I am not hiding the fact I am gay but should she let that cat out of the bag at school and let her handle that backlash? I have to say that I am feeling that I am gloating and creating some jealousy with those who are having a hard time with their coming out because I have become so lucky that I am having an amazing experience with my coming out. I want to know if anyone can share with me if I am having the normal reactions along my journay. Last night I was home alone and watching music videos and was in tears because I seem to have kept finding the sad, losing you, I'm alone type videos thinking about the devastation that my wife is going through. She is the one who is being punished for something she had no control over. I keep saying "I'm sorry" and she almost gets mad at me because I didn't choose who I am and the truth was going to come out eventually. Ok, I have so much more to ask and share but I will close this post for now. Thanks for all the input. JB
I'm going through the same thing. I came out to my husband a year ago. He is loving and supportive but wants us to stay together and raise our kids. I can't leave him because he is my best friend and I just can't stand to break his heart. I just keep hoping in his own time he will accept that I'm gay and be ready to move on. It took me 30 years to accept it I figure I owe him some time to do the same.
