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More problems with my mom

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Tetraquark, Sep 21, 2012.

  1. Tetraquark

    Tetraquark Guest

    (Summary at the end for those who don't want to read a wall of text.)

    So I finally got up the courage to talk to my mom about some of the problems in our relationship. I discussed it with my counselor this morning and, among other things, went over the best and worst case scenarios. I thought I could handle any outcome.

    Of course, there was one outcome which I wasn't prepared for. Predictably it's the one that happened. It is also among one of the worst case scenarios.

    Basically: no change. At all.

    My mom was supportive at first; however, she denied that there were any problems at all on her end and said that I was just blaming her for everything. No matter how I tried to approach the issue, she wouldn't budge.

    For example, I said that even though she keeps saying she has no expectations for me, her actions speak differently. She got extremely offended because she said I implied she was lying. I explained that that's not what I meant. Then when I tried to say that it was exactly that sort of miscommunication that I was talking about. She would also frequently interrupt me telling her about my depression to go on a rant about how bad her life is. I confronted her directly about this, saying how it felt like she was invalidating my experiences and emotions because it implied that my problems were so small in comparison that I shouldn't be depressed, when she retorted that I was invalidating her experiences and emotions...

    And so on.

    In the end I gave up. Nothing I said got through to her. Instead, after exchanging small talk and her talking about how if you're smart you can accomplish anything (a statement which only serves to feed my impostor syndrome), I went back up to my dorm, started crying, and thought that, since I was such a horrible person for not appreciating my mother's love to the extent that I should, that it might not be such a bad idea if I threw myself into the river (something which I've been thinking about a lot lately) after all.

    I was as honest and tactful as possible. The only thing I accomplished is making myself feel worse. I'd finally beaten the depression that plagued me earlier in the week, but now I feel like a horrible person in spite of the only thing I can pinpoint doing wrong is not responding promptly enough to my mom's emails.

    Maybe I just don't appreciate her enough. It's not like she threw me out of the house for no reason this summer or anything...oh, wait, she did, actually. Not to mention the countless times she has called me stupid, sociopathic, or incapable of doing anything right, and then discourages me from seeking help.

    There is still something very wrong with our relationship. But I don't know exactly what it is, and I have absolutely no idea how to fix it. I think I've found a support group that I can start going to, so maybe that will help.

    Summary:

    My mom is nominally supportive of me (in regards to school, being gay, having depression, etc), but her actions contradict her words. I don't know how to communicate my feelings to her (or anyone, really) or how to have a healthy relationship with her. Any advice on how to handle this?
     
  2. Gen

    Gen
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    We seem to have fallen from the same tree. My mother insists that the reason we have and ever had problems is because of I have issues. She used to voice her opinion of how psychotic and flawed I was even as child. Which, just maybe, might have caused a tid bit of tension between us over the years :rolle:.

    The way I dealt with it over the years was by caring less and less. Sure it is completely tragic that I dont have a strong connection with my mother. We are cordial because like your's she isnt always anatagonistic, but its nowhere where it should be. I cannot let myself sit up all day thinking less of myself or wasting time resenting her. I wont let our relationship jeopardize my life. I dont have a ton of advice to give you because it any changes are made they must at least be mutual. She has changes to make in herself. Though if she is anything like my mother then I wouldnt hold my breath. Everyone is not always open to actually listening.

    So the advice I would give you is too thrust your face into the pillow and let it all out one last time. Go into the bathroom, wipe your eyes and go watch t.v or something. Clear your mind for a bit. It is a great misfortunate to be put in difficult situations with our parents. But you cant allow it to burden your life until she decides to change. Your not a horrible person and its not your fault (*hug*).
     
  3. Minamimoto_Fan

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    Oh boy, this kinda reminds me of my dad. He accepts my sexuality, but he gets rather uncomfortable if I start talking about boys or when I'm on the phone with either my ex or one of my gal pals and we chat about certain things. However, that pales in comparison to your situation. I don't know if this'll help much, seeing as I haven't been out for very long, but my best advice is try and talk to her, despite not knowing how to say it.

    Whenever I had an issue with my parents, I'd usually get us by ourselves, and just vent. Be honest, say you don't really know a good way to voice your feelings and let everything out. It's not good for you to keep it bottled up, trust me. If things turn out badly, you can always turn to your friends and that support group you mentioned.

    I feel really bad that this is the only advice I can offer. I can feel for ya' because I have a horrid relationship with all of my family because I'm not very masculine, despite how I look, and I've been called a queer and the f-word a lot of times in my life. If there's anything you get from my post, know that you always have my support, and the support of this whole message board.
     
  4. NordicSpirit

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    I have the same issues with my mother, she is very supportive in some ways but we have a terrible relationship. Whenever I try to talk to her about it she makes out like I'm the bad guy because she's of all she's done for me. It always ends in an argument and leaves me feeling guilty, even though she's the one with the issues. I've eventually come to the conclusion that unless she wants to get help and change theres no point in trying to talk to her.
     
  5. Minamimoto_Fan

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    Whenever I don't really know what to do or I just need somebody to listen, I always go to my friends for advise. I had forgot to mention this in my last post, that and when I mentioned all of my family, I meant all my family excluding my parents BTW.

    Like I said before, you can always come on here for help. Even if I may not have the best advise, you have my support, sister.
     
  6. Aielar

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    I have a similiar situation with my birth mother - I don't see her that often, but the main reason I stay away from her is because her life hasn't been the easiest and she hasn't faced her baggage yet, and because of that baggage her life is incredibly disfunctional. In short, I stay away because I don't want to be dragged down with her. It's sad, and I'd like to have her in my life, but I won't until, if and when, she changes the way she treats various members of my family...among other things.

    If she doesn't change, then maybe you need to cut your losses and just let her know that until she changes, she won't have a presence in your life. It's harsh I know, but this sounds like a situation where you need to put yourself first. I'm not telling you what to do, simply offering suggestions for how to deal with your mother.

    Other than that though, pretty much the only thing you can do is keep trying to get through to her and try to convince her to change how she treats you. Hugs.
     
  7. Tetraquark

    Tetraquark Guest

    Thanks for all the responses! It's always good to hear from people who have had similar experiences.

    All of you are right when you say that she probably won't change. I suspect this will lead to more confrontations in the future, especially as I continue to try to get our relationship to a point that it minimizes the amount of problems it causes me.

    That's a good suggestion. The problem is, I don't have any friends. The small support network I had built up during my first semester of college collapsed midway through second semester (in an incredibly painful way). I'm in my third semester now and slowly making new friends, but it's a process.