Hey everyone. My name is Amber, I'm 22 years old and new here. And to be honest, I seem to find myself pretty confused these days. I don't really know where to turn with this, at least not in terms of anyone who can understand where I am coming from. I don't know if I am looking for advice, support, or if I just want to unload but this seems like a safe place regardless...so I guess I'll start... A little about me: I grew up in the small town South. I was raised by my dad but greatly influenced by my grandparents. So...traditional, you could say. However, I was never taught hate. Not against the LGBT community, people of different race or political stand point, any of that. I was always taught that people are who they are and the only thing we can do is accept them. But I guess I just always saw myself as being traditional. I would grow up, settle down, marry a man of my own race...all that. And I did. I got married right after turning 19 to a man I was madly in love with. That didn't work out. We are still friends but divorced. Since my separation and divorce, I have dated a bit but nothing serious. A few months ago, late April/early May, I met a woman, who we can call A. She's a 20 year old lesbian, beautiful, inside and out. She started working where I do and things started out pretty casually. We talked and joked around at work, became friends on Facebook, exchanged numbers, and started hanging out outside of work. We always flirted but that is just kind of in our personalities and I never thought much of it. She very quickly became an every day part of my life. She got a different job but still came to see me just about every night that I worked on her breaks and I would go see her at her job on my nights off. On one of those occasions, I went to see her and things were going pretty normally. There was a group of us standing around talking and we started to walk inside. Her hand brushed up against mine and I made a joke along the lines of "What, you want to hold my hand?" To which she replied, "If I wanted to, I would just do it." And grabbed my hand. We held hands as we walked but I still wasn't thinking much into it. Until we got inside and she pulled me off away from the group and kept walking away. Once we were by ourselves she abruptly stopped, pulled me in close, and kissed me. I was caught quite off guard, to say the least. But then she just led me back to the group and neither of us mentioned it. For probably a month, we didn't talk about it. We still hung out, flirted, joked around, it was just never mentioned. But I felt differently. I felt much more drawn to her than I already was. It wasn't a curiosity thing (I had kissed a girl before) but there was just something about her...One night she came to see me at my job, we were sitting outside together and I somehow ended up kissing her. And after that it just started happening between us. Not all the time, just occasionally. At some point during all this, we both started seeing other people. She started dating a girl she met at the club and I started seeing a guy I met. We both agreed to stop anything going on with each other past our friendship. Oddly enough, we started spending even MORE time together after that than we were before. She quickly became unhappy in her relationship and soon after broke up with her girlfriend. Things died out with the guy I was seeing and A and I started going out on dates. She started sleeping over at my house, almost every day. Make-outs got heavier and we even came close to having sex one night but I ended up getting too nervous. Everyone thinks we are a couple, but we aren't. And I go back and forth in my head about whether or not I want us to be. In a lot of ways, I do. And she has already told me she wants to date me, she just doesn't want to push me since I've been on the fence about everything. I have gotten to where I hate the nights I sleep alone without her. When my phone goes off, I always want it to be her and I can't help but grin when it is. When I see couples together, I think of her. She has a toothbrush and deodorant at my house. I have gone from an "I" to a "we" with my friends. They call to ask if "we" want to go do something, automatically assuming she will be there as well. There are a lot of fears I have about this. One is that it is still uncharted territory for me. I never saw myself with a woman before her and I don't think about other women that way. It is just her. I've always found women attractive but not in a lustful way, just a beautiful way. If that makes sense. Another fear is being accepted, as much as I don't want to say that. I would love to say that what other people think doesn't matter. But deep down somewhere, it does. I'm not worried about my friends and family. My parents love her, as do my grandparents. My mom knows what is going on between us and the rest of the family just assumes. My friends are also supportive of us and our relationship. And those are the only people who should really matter, right? But I can't get this image out of my head of one morning when we had gone out to breakfast. We were sitting next to each other, laughing and joking around like we always do. I turned around to find this older man just glaring at us. And every time I looked his way for the rest of our meal, I was getting that same hateful, disgusted look. And it really unnerved me. I've talked to A about all of this...well, most of it. I have a hard time expressing exactly how I feel about people to them. But I'm working on that with her. I know this has gotten long and I could keep rambling all morning on the subject but I think I have said enough. I'm just scared and in an unknown place in my life that I never thought I would be. I worry about things a lot, I worry about if we dated, would I be comfortable with everything or would I always feel judged? I worry about my long term future with her. Marriage, kids...those things don't come as easily to the LGBT community. I worry that we will get a relationship going and I will get scared and end up hurting her. I worry about a lot. To anyone who made it through all this, thank you. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Welcome to EC! Looks like you have a problem lol. I feel that you should mabey try dating her. don't focuse on labeling your self (you will hear this 10000 times and you won't listen till someone tells you it the 10001 time lol that's how I was always wanting to lable my self) just go with the flow let her know that you are unsure about your sexuality but that you would still like to date her to you know test the water. I don't know that's what I think do what you think is best in your heart
I cant believe how similar our stories are. Except I've never been married. Actually I've never even dated a guy. I had crushes on guys in High school, and I always pictured myself marrying a guy though. Maybe if I tell u a little bout my story it will help you. I know it makes me feel better to know others have been in my shoes. About 2 years ago, i had the same sort of thing happen. I had a friend and we had been friends for about 1-2 years maybe, and we were in high school. It takes me forever to actually make friends, I'm talking like years. But me and her became friend really fast and became close really fast. We'd constantly be together. About 2 years ago things just starting happening. I constantly wanted to hold her hand, and stuff like that, but i held back the feelings as much as possible and told myself it was wrong. I don't remember exactly how it happened but I ended up kissing her, and after that we didnt talk about it. It happened again, and progressed into more serious kissing. It wasn't all just kissing either, our friendship became very close, we acted like a couple (but i didnt see that then) Eventually I had to talk to her about it, i felt terrible, like i had done something horrible. We told ourselfs we'd never do anything like that again and we'd only do things 'just friends" would do. That didn't work at all. We ended up becoming closer. We were practically dating, but we refused to call it that. She'd come stay the nights at my house, and at night things would go pretty far. At that time No one else knew. We both knew/thought that our parents wouldn't ever accept this, and we told ourselfs that eventually we'd have to stop all this. Every time we tried to stop it was extremely painful, and heartbreaking. A year ago (sept 17th-we just celebrated our first) We couldn't take it anymore, we gave in. We officially started dating, and ever sense that day I've been so much happier. Before that we were scared of what everyone thought, so scared we were both in denial about that fact that we loved each other. But on that day we said that no matter what, even if our parents decided to disown us, even if the rest of the world doesn't agree with us, we are gonna be together. Our parents still don't know. We have only told our best friend and her bf. They are both very accepting and we've even gone on double dates. I know what you mean about the old man glaring at you, I've always been afraid and constantly thinking of what others think of me dating a girl. I still am not completely comfortable holding hands or kissing in public (But that's partially because we aren't out of the closet, and its a complete secret still). My gf is more comfortable with it than me. She is slowing getting me more comfortable with it, just by grabbing my hand or kissing me when we go on dates. As far as long term future. You can still have the same future you've always pictured in you mine, the only difference is it would be with a girl and not a man. I know me and my gf have talked about this a lot. We both agree that we want kids. (I love kids ). And we know that things like marriage and kids, and things like that will be hard but we are both willing to accept that challenge because its worth it. Its ok to be scared now. Thats natural. I was terrified. I had millions of what if's running thru my head, and constantly thought about what my future might be like. Just try to think about the present. Do u love her? Do you really wanna be with her? If so do it. Those are the things that matter. Try not to worry about what others think. Hope I was helpful
Wow, you have quite a story! My advice is, if it feels right, go for it. Better to regret things you did than things you wish you had done. And nobody says you have to run off to Vegas and get married tomorrow-- a relationship doesn't necessarily have to go anywhere. If you do decide to pursue this, make sure you set boundaries as far as what you want out of the relationship, and make sure you're on the same page. And, if it does go somewhere... even better. Yes, it's hard, but it's worth it. Real love always is.
