For the past week i have been feeling like shit. Mostly because of some problems ive have with my boyfriend and then that sort of fueled a depression... and its still there. I can say that i am a REALLY emotional, introverted, insecure, jealous person and being gay contributed a lot. Most of my problems were with the insecurities, and they arent that many but they are enough to annoy the shit out of me(!). So one of them was this girl that he told me he liked, because of her tastes, blah blah blah, just things that i didnt do or have. The fact that he got distracted by her, because of her personality....:tantrum: Alright next one, his ex. They were together for four years and they broke it off June/July. (We've been dating for almost 2 months now). So basically he doesnt have feelings for him, NONE... but the fact that he talks to him everyday..ugh Theyre bestfriends... And thats were the plot thickens. My trust issues. I felt like he would go to his ex instead of me to tell me his problems (most of them had to do with the outside factors affecting our relationship, so I guess a different view was needed), I dont know the feeling of being replaced and ignored.. These are things that affected me when I was growing up so they hit a spot that just...ugh. Also he went out once like a month ago, there was this guy that he was interested but he didnt want a relationship and the guy asked him out for breakfast and he told me and I dont know, back to the same feeling of reject. When he told me about the girl, he said that he told me because he wasnt going to do anything, I mean i cant help if I like someone either, but after the problems that we had (they were severe, twice it came to a point were he was going to break it off. It wasnt because of me, just outside factors..) it just left me really vulnerable and I felt like "Wow, now I have competition." The other day he wasnt there and I started keeping a document were i wrote what i felt, just to let off some steam. After about a week of writing, I guess I felt like he should know how I felt and why. And he got upset. Out of rage I put things that were probably hurtful, like saying I dont like the stuff he likes...I wrote that because I felt compared to the girl, and i dont know why I am like this, but since i realized i was gay, i guess i molded myself to whatever i thought would be acceptable for other people, and i guess i lost the sense of who i was with all of the confusion. I didnt want to be her, when he said that he liked her because its what he wants in a guy... :eusa_clap. I guess thats when I started losing my trust in him.. After he read the document he acted very sarcastic, how we should talk about feelings 24/7 and how i forget that hes also gay and doesnt go through the same depression of not wanting to be gay, but he doesnt spit it out to me every 5 seconds. :dry: Like a week ago I was talking to him and i told him that i didnt feel good, just not good, he sort of brushes it off. Some time passes and he made a comment about the girl that he likes, and about her friend and how he is now talking to him. Sure he was joking, but that didnt help... it just made me feel worse. Yeah right now things are patched and settled, but he still needs to fix that external problem, and i know its hard and i know its not easy, but if it means having a better relationship, well i guess you have to get over it and do it. At this moment I feel like not talking to anybody. Two days ago i got the feeling of everything becoming 10 times heavier and its just ugh. :help:
I was a little lost a few times through your post, but these lines stand out to me. I noticed that it seems that you have a lot of pain and things that you had to deal with with regards to your orientation and life as a child. It doesnt seem that the pain from those experience have ever healed or reached closure. You cant be at peace within your relationship if you are not at peace within yourself. I dont really see a thing that he has really done wrong. If there are issues between you two, yes there is a possibly that he will go to talk to his friends rather then you. But that seems to be because of a lack of proper communication in your relationship as a whole and not just him. When he comes to talk to you about this girl, and you get annoyed with him then it will just push him away. Many people have friends that would be a great match for them if they were into them. You should be there to listen to him, because at the end of the day he is with you. Being in a relationship doesnt mean that the members are immune to seeing the good in anyone else. It is important that you guys talk and joke around about these things, because when attraction becomes a secret, that when problems are formed. You cannot get upset with him because he is close with his friends, it will only make him feel sheltered. I know I may come off as if I am being a lot harder on you, then I am on him. But it is only because I strongly feel that before anything will get better, you have to confront your own demons before his. He thinks you have a issues with your sexuality, you have attributed alot of problems to it. Your self worth also seem very low. So I think it would be better if you told us more about this inner pain that you have first.
Sorry, I tend to not make sense when I have too many things in mind. You have a point, he has done nothing wrong, and that is where I want to be wrong. I am really sick of myself. Being gay really shattered me, it eats at me. I give too much thought about what people think about me. For these past 5 years I have completely shut myself off from almost every one. I was and i am still afraid. He really came out of nowhere, and it was shock what I had, because in my mind I was devalued piece of shit and here he was, showing a lot of interest in me and telling me he loves me. I hate not having friends, its hard for me to open up to people. And its not that I have a problem with his friends in general, just his ex-boyfriend, they have known each other for four years and there was a point were I asked him if he could stop talking to him. He said it would take time, but yes. Later on in that same conversation things got tense and he said something like "and i cant believe i would stop talking to my best friend for you." I ask for these kind of things, I'm so used to being sad and lonely all the time, that I just fall in the same cycle. I have told him things that I've never told anyone before. Things that may not be as big to someone else, but to me were big things that impacted me in a big way. I thought that I would be able to let go off all of these things by telling him, but sometimes I feel like he didn't care. I don't know if he truly cares, and now after I showed him the document, I'm ashamed of telling him how I feel, not just ashamed but just meh, like hes going to say "what now?". And about the girl, that's not an issue anymore, well he hasn't brought it up, but its still a lingering thought. I tend to remember all of the bad things, and just add them all up. It just makes it a lot worse. I tend to sweep everything under a rug. To suck it up and just keep it in my head for as long as its possible, and then I break down. I am really not happy with my life. I'm a complainer, I know, but right now I don't have the strength to do anything.
There isnt a problem with complaining about things is there is a logical reason behind them. You are laying in so much sorrow that you are forgeting about the good things that you do have in your life. Of course, your discontentment with your orientation is going to be a major issues, because if you werent gay you wouldnt be with him. You guys have to sit down and talk about this. Not about the girl or his ex, about why your are discontent with your sexuality. Why it hurts you when there are other people in the picture. Why you are so afraid of him leaving you. It seems to me that there is a lot of talking and arguing going on, but not a lot of listening. Nothing will actually get resolved otherwise.
Yeah, we can't really see each other because of the external problem, so we mainly text. And most of the times we talk things out, it has to be put on hold because hes busy, or im busy. Then when we finally get time to talk, I'm just glad to see that hes there so we just forget about it.. Its just that the other problem has to be solved first, and he isnt really up to solve it right now. Plus im leaving for a week, and I leave tomorrow... I just want to talk face to face and resolve this and move on.
