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My wife now knows I'm gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Townienow, Sep 22, 2012.

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  1. Townienow

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    Well I will start by saying that for the past seven years I've known I'm gay...but did not have the courage to tell my wife....accept I lived with this lie for years until I could not cope anymore.
    Today I finally plucked the courage to finally tell my wife of 15 years that I'm gay...it was the most painfully thing that I've ever had to do....but it is now done, I can honestly say that a huge weight had been lifted.....yes she is really hurt and shattered, I'm still unsure if things will ever be good between us. I hope so as I do love her and we gave two grown kids......now that's gonna be tough to tell them I'm gay I am so frightened that they will never want to speak to me again.....but if not I think I might deserve this as I've let it go for this long.....
    I want to know will it get easier or will I feel like this forever

    Happy that I've finally done it but scared for the future
    Cheers
    Paul
     
  2. Gen

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    Well first Welcome to EC, Paul (*hug*).

    I can only imagine that it must have been extremely difficult to except your sexuality yourself, let alone form the courage to admit it to your wife. I think it will come as a shock to everyone at this point, but I am sure that they will come around eventually. It will definitely get better, you just have to give them time to accept it. After all, it took you some time to come to turns with it yourself. But they love you, and at some point that has to overcome any other feelings. It may just be a rough patch for a while, but you have to stay positive and strong.
     
  3. 55

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    Paul, welcome to EC. You will find tremendous support here!

    I know what you're going through. My wife (now ex) finally pulled me out of the closet late last year after a 35-year marriage and three kids.

    I encourage you to read my posts and those of men like Maxx, NomadicDave, Kneedragger, JimL, Tracker57, Tom100, Solost44, atlmm, and others I'm not recalling at this late hour. In one way or another, we've all been where you are. I hope reading our threads will give you some insight. I'm sure some of them will add to this thread too because you are now a new brother of ours.

    We divorced in February and I'm now trying to navigate my way though a new life. Your wife will go through all the stages of grief (as will you) as her new reality sinks in. I strongly encourage finding a counselor for you as individuals and as a couple. It may be a rough road for quite some time. It'll be that for your kids too. Mine are still learning to cope after 9 months - not with my orientation so much as with the ways in which I acted on it for many years.

    What happens next depends completely on how well you communicate.

    All my best to you, Paul. Please keep posting! You will be amazed at how unalone you are!

    55
     
  4. Jim1454

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    Hi Paul, and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place.

    You've been together for 15 years, and for only 7 of those have you been aware that you're gay. Like me, you entered the relationship with your wife now knowing that you're gay - but found out afterwards. If you're anything like me there's a certainly amount of shame and embarassment in wondering why you didn't know before - but that doesn't matter. What's done is done - you can't change the past. All you can do is make today the best that it can be.

    If your kids are grown, and at all enlightened about LGBT issues, I'm sure they'll be understanding. My kids don't have an issue with it at all - that I can tell anyway. But they're younger - 9 and 11. I've been out to them for 3 or so years and it's all good. I would like to think that your kids will be cool with it too.

    As for your wife, as 55 suggests, maintaining your relationship with her will be dependent on keeping the lines of communication open. My wife and I went to counselling together and it really helped.

    Things might seem dark and scary right now but it will get better. Almost 6 years later I'm with a wonderful man and we were married last summer. Our 4 kids (he had two from a previous heterosexual relationship as well) are all OK with it, and we're out to our friends, family and coworkers. My ex wife took a positive outlook on the situation and she's happy for us. (His didn't - so it can go either way I suppose.)

    All the best - and feel free to reach out to me as I'm a member of staff. But as 55 said - there are lots of men in your situation here who can relate. They'll likely add their own thoughts to this thread.
     
  5. tom100

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    Hi Paul - and a warm welcome from me too.

    You've already taken a courageous step, so well done you. I'm pretty sure I could not have done it without the help and support I got here on EC first.

    You'll find a lot of mature and intelligent advice here and all done in a non-judgmental environment, so allow yourself to be really open here. It will help a lot.

    As 55 has said, take some time to read the threads (it could take you a while!) from others here who are in, or have been, in a similar situation.

    We are all different of course, so nobodies story works out just the same, but you will find something in each that strikes a chord and helps you to feel less alone and less of a fool. The stages of anger and fear that we and our wives go through is good to know and understand - it's important to be mostly a listener and consoler in the beginning, so knowing how this part works before hand is important.

    It will get better. Yes, there will be good days and some God awful ones too, but slowly things improve. And, yes, good communication is essential.

    Keep talking and we will do our very best to help.

    Best,
    Tom
     
  6. jvn95

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    Hi Paul.

    You did the right thing.

    That is a sign of true character, facing up to the music.

    If my dad was gay, I wouldn't mind.

    My Dad left us recently, and I wish I still had him like I used to.
    I don;t think your kids will mind so much that you are gay, they might be shocked at first, but they are your kids and will love you no matter what.

    What counts is that you are there or your children, and that you are a good father to them, sexuality doesn't matter.

    I would rather have a gay dad who came out than a straight one who cheated and manipulated my family for years and left without so much as a full story.

    Be true to yourself, love your kids, communicate and be kind to your wife, and you will get through.

    This is from a son's perspective.

    Best of luck to you
     
  7. Tracker57

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    Hey, buddy. It's better. I came out to my wife last April. It may be rough now, but living without that burden of secrecy...living honestly...will make you feel so much better. You'll be genuine. There are a number of us going through this or have gone through it. Hang in there. This place has been a life saver for me.
    Tracker.
     
  8. NomadicDave

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    Paul,

    Welcome. The best advice and, clearest indication of better days to come is to read through some previous threads as "55" mentioned and continue to post your thoughts. In short order you will be amazed by the courage you will find here.

    I happen to be blessed with a great wife that accepts my being gay and has allowed me to pursue friendships/relationships. It has not been easy sailing at times but what has made the journey much, much easier has been my decision to be totally honest. I have relied heavily on EC and a few wonderful books by Brene Brown. I highly recommend them.

    I wish you continued strength and, all the best.

    Dave
     
  9. PianoNate

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    Howdy!

    I just told my wife too! and we just celebrated our 15th as well! soooo deja vu-y!

    In any case, congratulations! Just now that better things lie ahead for you! EC is a fantastic resource; the great people here helped me immensely.

    Sending love and support,

    Nathan
     
  10. lwp08reh

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    @jvn95 you would say it's fine if your dad was gay as you're gay yourself! Not necessarily the same reaction for a straight son...
     
  11. PatrickORLY

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    My friend's dad came out to him recently.

    His dad was in tears because he was so worried about what his son would say.

    His son just hugged him and said "I LOVE YOU DAD" and I think they maintain a good relationship. My friend is 28 and his dad is 60.
     
  12. keerg

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    I let my wife get a boy friend when i came out,and we get along fine after 10yrs
     
  13. Chicagoblue

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    Thanks for sharing.
     
  14. Spartan 117

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    Just to let you know, this thread is old - it's actually from 2012! :slight_smile: I'm going to lock this thread now because it's out-of-date, but if you wish to share your own story, feel free to start a "new thread" and start a new discussion!
     
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