I knew I was a lesbian when I was about 13 years old (middleschool) but I did not want to be a lesbian. I did not want to accept it, how could I? I come from a very hardcore religious family who hates gay people - to give you an idea, my mother has on more than one occasion compared gay people to be on the same level as child molesters. When I finally did come to terms with myself 16-17, I had my first closeted lesbian relationship with a very openly bi girl. My mother keeps out of my business most times so it wasn't that hard to hide. As far as she was concerned I was a busy, popular straight girl at school with good grades. But then me and my girlfriend break up. I won't go into details, but, my girlfriend called my mom and outed me. When I came home she told me I could not live under her roof and be a homosexual. She had most of my clothes packed and told me to get out. I was 17 and still in highschool. Luckily I had two very supportive older friends who have been in a lesbian relationship for almost 5 years and agreed to let me live with them. Living with them was a great experience, I was myself, I was free and I was so happy. But I had to pay rent, I had to get a full time job while graduating and preparing to go to and pay for college. I was never saving enough money to achieve my life long goal of eventually saving enough to move to Chicago. In fact I was spending a dangerous amount of money from my bank account just to live. So just today, after staying with my friends for almost a year. I have moved back in with my mother. On one agreement. I will be straight. I will go to counseling. I will go to church every Sunday. I will be involved with a program that is suppose to make kids 'not gay' anymore. And I have agreed to this. I don't know what I'm feeling. It's not that it's hard for me to pretend to be straight, I've done it before, people have a hard time believing I'm actually a homosexual. There's this ache in me though, I'm me in middleschool all over again. I'm empty, I feel so incredibly wrong. I tell myself I can do this for two years. I can live at home - go to college, save up enough money and just leave forever and never come back. That it's only two years and I can do this. But now I'm not so sure. I'm afraid I might go crazy, I don't know what to do. After being so out of the closet for just a short while- I'm having a hard time trying to fit back inside it, that closet is dark and scary, but so is what's outside of it at the moment.. ---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2012 at 02:26 AM ---------- This may just be more of a rant and I'm not sure if I posted this in the right area (just signed up) apologies if it is wrong.
I'm very sorry to hear about what your having to do. Your stuck between choosing between your dreams or mental health. Personally, I think that you should really consider what being in such a negative environment could do to you. I made the decision when I was 16 to repress myself to the point of being emotionally dead inside just to get by for a few years. It sort of worked, but I ended up pretty depressed and my grades suffered a lot to the point I almost didn't graduate high school. I know that your planning for college, but being in college currently I can say that it would be even easier to let things slip than in high school. Not only that but I'm still trying to recover from what that did to me mentally. Out of curiosity, since you said you have good grades, have you looked into any scholarships, financial aid, or even student loans? I know that there are steps to get financial aid if your parents refuse to support you. This would allow you to show only your income if you apply for aid and, guessing at your most likely income, pretty much guarantee a large amount of aid. If you do decide to go through with being at home, try to never forget that anything those people tell you is a lie. There is nothing sinful about being who you were born to be. No matter how dark and hopeless it gets, it will only be temporary. And there will always be people to talk to; even if it is just online.
Hi there and welcome to EC! I'm sorry to hear about your mother. It still amazes me that there are people like her still around. We still have a LONG way to go I guess. What you have going for you are a couple of good role modes in the form of your friends who you lived with. You can see through them (and through reading here) that being gay isn't horrible and that your mother is the one who needs counselling - not you. But if you've agreed to certain conditions, you're going to have to live by those conditions. Hopefully you'll be able to separate yourself from what's going on around you. I don't know... maybe make it a game. Count how many times your mother says something rediculous about gays and log it somewhere. Go to the counselling and then come back here and tell us all how crazy it was. Write about it so that when it's all over you'll be able to expose the therapist for the quack that he is. Just try to stay positive and endure.
I know my mom seems a little extreme but she was raised that way sadly, it would take her a while to come around, if ever, and I'm talking YEARS if she ever does, so I wasn't expecting her to be totally accepting. But you're right, after living with my friends -amazing and generous people beyond belief- I can put up with two years of faking it, because I'll have a life like their's to look forward to in the future hopefully. Maybe coming out to a few close friends would take the pressure off? Or would that make it harder for me to play pretend, I feel like I'm stuck in a weird game of limbo haha. And I don't mind church, imaginary boyfriends can't be TOO hard to deal with, mostly worried about this religious program working on making me un-gay. But it was my decision so I guess I'll endure, I'll have to! If anything incredibly stupid happens I can find a place to rant about it somewhere here thank you. This place just gave me a little time to calm down about the whole thing.
I'd say it would help if you had some friends that you could confide in as well. So if you feel comfortable doing so, I'd come out to a couple of close friends so that you had someone else to talk to about what's going on.
but only if you absolutely trust those friends to not out you to your mother for any reason (even if you get into a fight with them or something). it sucks, but you have to unfortunately be careful who you trust. (*hugs*) I wish there was something tangible that I could do to help.
I understand what you mean. My family is super conservative christian too. If the church doors are open, we are there. My biggest thing is that I don't want to lose my family. The biggest thing that makes me feel better is just knowing who I am. I know that I like girls and what my parents think about that won't change it. Other than that all I can do is sort of repeat what vega528 mentioned. There are scholarships and programs available to help with college costs. I would say to research your options because you may have more than you realize. Whatever you decide, know that you are not alone and that others are going through the same thing you are. (*hug*)
As an older, happily married guy and father of three, I can say as a parent that your mom's love for you is still there and what she has asked of you is in her mind, what she feels is best for you. My wife and I have three sons and if one of them came home and told us that he was gay or bi ( like his dad ), then I'd accept him no matter what. My wife would have a harder time because of her own Christian beliefs but we'd still love him. I'd encourage you to follow through with your agreement to the letter with you mom and let her see through your actions and attitudes that you are trying. It may not change your sexual orientation, but what it will do is allow her to draw closer to you again and accept you on her level which, I would suggest, can be changed so that it will make it easier for her to accept you. If you are to dig your heels in and defy her by not at least following her counsel and wishes as a mother, you are most certainly going to widen that gap between the two of you to where the damage will be irreparable and trust me when I say that you do not want to go there. With all due respect, I;d suggest that you really try you absolute best to follow through and see what you can learn from the counseling and programs. I am sure that through them, you will gain a better perspective of yourself and we can always learn from the experiences of others. Have you considered maybe involving your mom ( at least to some degree ) in your programs and counseling - asking if she can sit in and listen to what is said. It may well help her to understand that you are the way that you are and this was not by choice. Religion can really close peoples' minds to things and I say that with all due respect as I am not an Atheist by any means. Religion can be a good thing but it can also be a not so good thing as what is preached - love - is not always practiced if someone seems to be "outside the box". My advice is to respect your mother and her wishes, follow through with everything and really work at it. What your mom needs to learn is what it took me most of my life to realize and accept - we are who we are and what we are and that is just the way that it is. I know that sexuality is fluid - it can change - and I know that we really have no control over it. There can be outside influences that cause people to turn gay such as incest, molestation and abuse and rape - but for many, there is no choice. It is just who we are. You had the courage to come to terms with your sexuality and at your age, that puts you head and shoulders above most of us. I'd suggest that you mother is reacting more out of fear and ignorance than anything else. Add to that the fact that the dreams that she has had for you since you were conceived seem to have been shattered because she fears now that you will never live a "normal" life, and it sort of is a catalyst to awaken fears, disappointment and embarrassment because as a church going woman, her daughter has been indulging in homosexual activities and has stated that she is a lesbian. This thought pattern and her behavior is defensive as much as anything because of her fears and prejudices. Only you can really change that and as said earlier, it will only happen when you help her to accept you as you are. Try to understand this together - spend time with her and show her that despite her rejection of you as a woman, yo still love and care for her. As a parent and especially a mother, it is not easy to reject love from your child. Tell her that you are trying to understand her position and ask her to help you. Trust me in this - until you have had children of your own, you really have no idea as to what a parent goes through and just how much they love. I do not see your situation as being impossible - it is a challenge - yes. You have a chance here to really learn some things that in the future, may very well enable you and give you the "heart wisdom", ( which means so much more than book or head knowledge ) to reach out and have a positive impact on lives of others that are hurting and to grow as a person. It is these difficult situations that cause us to grow and that goes for your mom too. Apply yourself to the programs and counseling and you'll be surprised at what will come out of it. And as for programs that "un-gay" people - I am not saying that they cannot have a positive impact, but I'd suggest that would be much more likely with people who have entered into bi or homosexuality because of outside influences that were traumatic and damaging. Personally, IMHO, someone who like yourself has known since childhood what their sexual preferences are geared towards - I believe that being gay or lesbian is NOT a matter of choice. It is just the way that you are wired and it is no one's fault. Your mom needs to know that she did nothing to contribute to your sexuality - that you do not hold resentment because your being a lesbian has put you through some bad times. Accept, love, honour and respect her as your mom and that will go a long ways towards starting the healing process. She may never really like your lifestyle, but that doesn't mean that she can not love you. I wish you well and you have a rocky road ahead of you, but while the journey be a bit rough at times. I believe that you can make that journey and be a better person for it.
This isn't a completely outlandish idea, but comes with risks; if you (OP) do decide to go to counseling, under no circumstances should you go to an ex-gay or "reparative therapy" or Christian counselor; it won't work, and all it will do is royally mess your head up. California is currently considering making such counseling illegal, and for good reason: it almost never helps, but frequently causes great harm. As long as "trying your absolute best" doesn't mean "trying to change your sexual orientation." That will be far, far more damaging in the long term than continuing with the fractured relationship with your mother. This is a deceptive statement. Sexual orientation is fixed, either before birth, or very early in life, according to nearly every credible mental health organization, research study, etc. People who are inherently bisexual will feel some shift in their attraction over time, but people who are at the far end of the scale in either direction generally do not experience fluidity in sexual orientation. There is zero data in the credible scientific research to support this idea. And this is one of the bullshit arguments the ex-gay people try to use to get people to change. There is some evidence that sexual abuse can cause confusion about sexual identity, but no evidence that it alters sexual orientation. From what you (the OP) have described, I don't think there's any indication that your sexual identity has been influenced by abuse or other factors. Generally, as I said above, the impact of reparative therapy is harmful and never helpful. Quality therapy to help someone explore, understand and accept their orientation can be helpful, but "ex-gay" therapy is never helpful, because the entire approach comes from a place of ignorance. I do agree with the previous poster that your mom's position stems from ignorance and fear, and that, over time, she can be influenced and, hopefully, eventually come around. But it's going to be a challenge to be around her. You might try and get her to watch "Prayers for Bobby" with you; there's a small possibility that might reach her and cause her to think. And if you can work with a competent, qualified therapist who isn't trying to change your orientation, but help you to be happy, then having a session or two with your mother could be very helpful. But be prepared that if you do so, your mother may stop paying for therapy and send you to someone who's incompetent. Statistically, most parents do eventually come around. But it's the crazy uber-conservative Christian types who tend to be the most difficult, and it sounds like she might be one of those. In any case, the EC community is here to help, so please keep us up to date on what's going on.
