They say that the best way to make more friends and maybe even get dates is to be happy with your own company. After all, desperation is a terrible cologne, and by becoming the kind of person who likes their own company, you become the kind of person people want to be friends with. But after getting sick of depending on the company of others for my own happiness, I fear I may have gone too far in the other direction. Sometimes I'm so happy with my own party of one that I don't want other people coming into my space. If people try to be friendly with me in public, at best, it can annoy me, at worst, it makes me nervous about their intentions. And goodness knows how much of a bigger invasion of my space it would be if someone tried to come into it with romantic intentions. I tried online dating a while ago, but whenever someone actually showed interest in me, it made me nervous, because it felt like things were getting out of my control. Any advice? I afraid of becoming so independent that I enter some kind of happy isolation (not the kind where I don't go out in public, because I do still go out a lot, but when I do, I often do it to be by myself somewhere other than my dorm room, or at best, to be with my close friends).
I know what you mean, I used to become dependent on others for my happiness. And trying to break free from that was extremely difficult, and right now, I'm kind of in the middle. There are times when I want to be alone, so I isolate myself from people. Then there are times when I love being around people, and I become sad when they all disappear and go on about their daily lives. I'm glad that you noticed the issue now, rather than later on. Although, you mentioned that you've already become quite comfy being alone. Perhaps, you should make plans to go out at least 3 times a week and stick to that commitment no matter what. Try going to sporting events, the library - I'm a nerd -- the nearest Starbucks, I prefer Dunkin Donuts. It's a nice atmosphere, not a lot of people, but it's a start. Then gradually switch to going to the movies, bowling...the list goes on. Have you ever been diagnosed with anxiety? I know that anxiety can work in mysterious ways; I took a Social Psychology class in school and it was very interesting/useful. I'm about to go dig the book up and refresh my memory; I'll be back with more helpful advice
I understand completely how you feel. I've actually isolated myself for a couple years now, and unlike you becoming too "happy" with being on your own, I've become quite desolate about my situation. That's not to say that I don't enjoy my own company; I do. I'm a naturally shy, introverted person, so even if I spent a day hanging out with friends and having a great time, I need to retreat into my own space and be quiet and alone to balance out the socialization I just experienced. However, I've come to the point now where I don't even have any relief from the isolation. I, too, did not want to become dependent on anyone else. I had some good friends at the beginning of college who I eventually pushed away for several reasons: 1) I was too scared to come out to them, 2) I didn't want to keep getting attached to them, and 3) I was scared they'd eventually leave me first, so I left them instead (relating to what you said about losing control). Ever since then, I haven't made any new friends (in the past 2 years). I like being on my own, living by myself, and being able to do whatever I want whenever I want without having to bend myself around other people's schedules. I don't have to wait another 2 hours to eat dinner when I'm hungry just because I'm waiting for a friend to get out of class...on the other hand, I'm sad I don't have anyone to eat with at all now. My point is that as much as it's good to be independent, self-reliant, and self-sufficient, we have to find that balance between being on our own and still having people around us. I don't even know how to go about doing that myself, but I know that's what we need. When we become too reclusive, I think our attitudes about people change. We become suspicious, untrusting, and highly sensitive. I also find that after I've been alone for a while, everything annoys me. I become more irritable and easily angered. If people are nice to me or even talk to me, I assume they just need something from me. This isn't a healthy mindset to adopt and to live with for the long run. I know that as LGBT folks, a lot of us tend to isolate in order to protect ourselves from whatever. But, in order to be healthy psychologically, we need a balance of alone time and people time. In terms of your fear of entering a "happy isolation," I doubt anyone who's isolated is ever "happy." You can feel like you're doing okay by yourself, but I think it's rare for "happiness" to come along in an isolated state. I've read studies on prisoners who are in solitary confinement who really do go crazy from the lack of stimulation and contact. I'm not saying we're in prison, but isolating behaviors can have adverse effects on our mental health. I try to tell myself that I can be "content" being alone, but it's wearing on me. I think it's best if you try to get out there and do things with people. Find those who don't annoy you. Be in the company of those who you enjoy being around, and do things you like together. Just try not to develop an attachment to anyone (if you prefer not to have to eventually rely on them for anything), but you can still be around people. Sorry this turned out so long, but hope it helps!
I've been anxious before, and even had a panic attack once or twice, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't bad enough that I could be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. It certainly doesn't manifest often enough to be considered a disorder; even the weak manifestations (generalized worry about the world and my future) happen sporadically, and they never come with the physical symptoms of anxiety. The thing is, I do things like that. A lot. The problem is, when I go, I don't want to talk to any of the people there. I enjoy myself, without a doubt, but I'm doing it on my own to the extent of not wanting any of the people there to talk to me. That's what makes me nervous.
I have a tendency to speak to people easily when placed in certain situations, but sometimes, in other situations, I become frozen. I feel awkward and like, the weirdest person in the world. If someone were to come up to you and say, ”Hello”, how would you respond? Are you nervous about how they're going to perceive you? I found this thing in my book, it's called self regulation and behavioral activation and inhibition. It's pretty deep, so bare with me...and you can google it because it's quite a bit to type and I'm using my phone at the moment. Look up appetitive system, which refers to BAS or ”behavioral activation system” and aversive system, which refers to BIS or ”behavioral inhibition system.” It's kinda complex and believe me, it was a lot to take in while in school, but it could very well be helpful.
Scary, I was just about to make a new thread with the exact same topic and almost exactly the same title... Owen and I are apparently on the same wave length... Due to various circumstances I've become too used to being alone. However, I seem to be the opposite in that I haven't developed an entirely healthy view of myself, and so I push people away due to a fear of rejection. I think you have more going for you than you think. You may feel you have gotten too used to being alone, but you clearly have a very good view of yourself. If meeting other people is what you really want, you will get it. Like anything, just keep plugging away at it and it will happen, but you do have to put in the effort. Good luck my kindred spirit!
I'm not sure what it is I'm nervous about. Just the idea of them approaching me makes me nervous. Like just now, I went to a coffeehouse to relax with some hot chocolate after finishing some work, and one of the guys there made eye contact with me as I was on my way to my seat. That made me really nervous, and because I was sitting kinda across from him, whenever I moved my eyes between things, I always made sure to avoid accidentally making eye contact with him again. ....huh. Typing that out does make it sound a lot more like social anxiety than I initially thought it was. What I really felt scared of was him taking a romantic interest in me. I know, that's totally irrational, but that's what really had me nervous. The idea of someone wanting to talk to me when I'm in my own zone is bad enough, but the idea of someone taking a liking to me when the feelings aren't mutual is what really scares me. For most of my life, I never felt that way. It wasn't really until I started being more active in my romantic pursuits and actually asking the guys I knew and fancied if they also liked guys that I started having this kind of fear. Like I'm afraid of guys being just as forward with me as I'm trying to be with them. Maybe that's just nervousness, since this is new territory for me. But then again, if I'm cool with them saying, "I'm not interested," there's no reason these guys shouldn't be cool with it, too. ...I think I just made something of a breakthrough. Thanks for asking that question, pinklov3ly.
"What I really felt scared of was him taking a romantic interest in me." Exactly the thought I consistently have. You're not alone. I realize I'm terribly afraid of intimate emotional contact. It's nice to know I'm not the only one whos has had this experience.
I think this is pretty common, actually - in any case, everyone who's replied so far has said some version of "I feel the same way" or "I've been there" - and I'm no exception. I tend to wander in and out of this situation in my life - I don't know if, psychologically, I just need the time to myself, or if it has to do with how I manage connections with friends and family, but there it is. In a lot of ways, this is kind of similar to the issues that some people have with meeting significant others. When something happens that leads us into needing to feel okay with ourselves again, people often try to do that on their own - the "I don't need other people, I can make it on my own" concept. While healthy in some ways, it can also lead us to get used to managing that way - and then, subsequently, filling up our days, and our intellectual and social lives, with things that require us to be alone. So, for example, we'd like to go out with friends, or go out and meet somebody, but we've really been looking forward to catching up on this show tonight, or going out to a coffee shop to relax while reading a book or wandering the internet. Again, not bad things, but I think that eventually, if we want more of a social life, we need to open up some time in our schedules so that we have the time and energy to devote to something like that. Could you start by looking for people online? Many social networking sites, in addition to the dating aspect, actually have plausible options for friendship and meet-up groups, so that might be something to think about. Maybe once a week, for a couple of hours, you look for people in your area who also want to go see that movie, or are interested in a hike up the mountain, or a bike ride down the river. That searching time could eventually turn into time out with people - who knows?
I'm the same way. I am very comfortable being alone. I have ever since I was a child. One of the tricks I learned is that I buy a ticket to something, I buy an extra so I can invite someone along. Which considering that I just bought season tickets to the local AHL Hockey team, this is going to be an interesting exercise. As far as dating. Horrible luck. I've found a lot of guys want to text, instead of chatting online or meeting in person. I don't care for texting. I too feel uncomfortable when a guy shows interest. I think it mostly is that it is something I am not familiar with. I'm taking baby steps to deal with that. One of the things I do, is I use what my friends call ho apps on my phone. I really don't intend to meet up unless I really like the guy, but it does help me get more comfortable with others being interested in me.
Me too. I'm fine with being by myself. The library is my quiet place. I'm not saying I don't have friends, I just don't hang out with them that much.
