Real advice? Others generally say "only you can figure it out for yourself"

Referring to the title: that drives me insane! Ive even talked to my friend/president of my schools GSA and thats what she told me. I need some kind of real input here...so I'm hoping maybe someone here can give me a hand. I am going to copy and paste what I put in my introduction thread here because it pretty much explains what I'm dealing with.

Intro:

Hello forum. I found this site after doing some...personal research I guess?

Hm. So...my story I guess. Its not quite as dramatic as others though...its in its early stages...so there definitely could be some drama in there in the future. I am 20 (for the next month =P) and I am a senior in college. I have plenty of friends who are in the LBGTQ spectrum and have always supported them. This past summer, boyfriend number two and I broke up. It was mutual and not very difficult, but then it dawned on me shortly after that I had a massive crush on my friend, who happened to be female (I am female assigned). Id always thought certain girls and women were attractive, but I'd never before had the urge to kiss one until she came along. I did tell her (it didnt seem right not to) and she was only supportive and flattered, but a bit saddened for me because she's straight. (Bummer right?) So I've sort of begun coming to terms with that...I don't know what I identify as but I'm pretty sure I'd no longer use "straight"...who knows? I figured I'd let that pan out and I'm happy with that plan.

As for gender...thats new. I recently (in the past couple months) learned the term "gender fluid", and since then I have been sort of researching it, because nearly everything I have read points to that being what I am. I had never considered being anything but female and the concept is new, so I am very unsure what exactly I am. I do crossdress occasionally and get very irritated when I'm having a day where I feel more male, but my boobs are just too damn big and won't flatten out. I am definitely not trans* because I undoubtedly have days where I dress up girly and wear makeup and such, but there are other days where I feel like "holy crap why do I have boobs...why do I own makeup.." and its frustrating. I've now gone so far as to begin looking for a name to give my male side?

My issue is I dont know if this is a comformity thing...I belong to the GSA at my college (largest club on campus XD) and have always been supportive of that community, but now I'm trying to figure out if I am bored being a straight cis-girl or if this really is me? Its an odd feeling, being unsure what you yourself are thinking.

So...that's me. As I said before, I am working on a name that I like. For now I guess call me NI for my username.

Thanks for reading!

[/intro]

So I would like to talk, perhaps, so a few people who have dealt with similar things? Perhaps someone who DOES identify as gender fluid? Thank you for reading <3

 

J Snow: Thank you for the input! I really appreciate it.
As far as my name...I am just very picky about names hehe. When I choose one, it'll be pretty permanent (at least for the male side)...my given name is still going to be used otherwise. I just don't want to introduce myself properly until I've decided what name I want to go by.

Thanks for the input on identity. I do not have a problem binding and acting more male on days it seems appropriate, but I still am not sure whats going on in my head and its something I would like to figure out. I am mildly worried, too, because there are at least 3 FtM's in my GSA and I lived close to/became friends with two of them last year...I dont want them to feel like im trying to copy them or something? I dont know...it feels kind of awkward...

 

Thank you. I may do that. Thanks for the advice =)

---------- Post added 24th Sep 2012 at 11:10 AM ----------

Ianthe: Sorry, we posted at the same time!

Thank you for the input...those are some things I have not yet considered. I will think about them...I need to figure things out in my own head first...as far as using the words "straight cis girl" I mean that is how I currently identify to most people, and how I have previously identified.

 

thecat: thank you. I am kind of doing that now? I have Lambda (GSA) tonight and may try talking to a couple people. As far as the name...as much as it'd be simpler to have a gender neutral name...I do LIKE my given name...its just decidedly female. I'm unsure what to do about that...it DOES have a male equivalent but I don't like it. I would probably (as far as people introducing me/talking about me) tell people to use my given name/female pronouns since I am definitely female at some point...and just handle the situation of switching when I meet someone or whatever. I feel like it would be a play-it-by-ear sort of deal.

 

So I thought I'd give people a little update. I did end up chatting with one of the transguys in lambda...he was super nice and very helpful. This particular friend of mine is very knowledgeable and is studying psychology and gender studies, so i figured, him being a friend and knowing what he's talking about, he might be a good place to start.

So I talked to him and it was fantastic to talk to someone I know. we are just messaging over facebook right now but it feels good to get it off my chest to someone. Thanks for the help everyone. I'm slowly figuring things out =)