Hey EC Well. I’m looking for advice on my process of coming out. So far I’ve told 4 people that I’m gay, and they’ve all reacted mostly okay.. (one girl was iffy, but I later found out she apparently has feelings for me, so of course I feel like a douche for telling her..). However, I feel like I’ve reached a block on the process and I don’t know how to pass it. One of my friends, one of my closest friends that I’ve known since I was little (5), is very homophobic. Not just a tiny bit homophobic; he can have time extensive rants about his point of view. It doesn’t affect me that much emotionally, I think because I’ve known him so long. What is abit of a problem however, is when I’m on the cusp of coming out.. He’s a huge factor in my life. He’s one of my main friends, and 1 of 2 people that I see basically every day at college. Me coming out would safely destroy our friendship. I have a feeling that since I’ve known him for so long, he might actually tolerate me (as awful as that sounds..) but I’m not sure if I could spend the next 10 or so months at college with the awkwardness that would be between us. So my question to you guys; what should I do? What would you do? I could come out as gay, embrace my identity and gain confidence from that but lose a friend of 13 years and spend alot of time at college feeling awkward and isolated, or remain in the closet, feel like I’m wasting valuable time of my life, live in a static existence but keep a friend and remain happy-ish at college? PS: not to sound rude, but please don’t say ‘he might not react badly’. He will . I’ve asked every hypothetical question I could ask without being obvious, all his answers have been along the lines of ‘it’s disgusting’ ‘it isn’t right’ and one of my favourites, where I asked what would happen if one of his children were gay, he responded with ‘no child of mine would be gay. The moment they turned gay, I would no longer consider them my child’. >.>
I think that you would be best telling him but also educating him. you need to tell him that it is upsetting when he goes off on these rants. I have one friend who is pretty homophobic. he knows my sexuality and while he used to go off on rants, I've ahut him up enough times that he doesn't anymore and in fact accepts gays more now.
I know he's been a friend for a long time, but what kind of "friend" is that who doesn't accept you as you are?
I agree with Chrissouth53 - if he was truly a good friend to you, he would see past his hatred and accept you for the person that you are I think, if you did tell him, maybe express your worries? Maybe telling him you're frightened of losing him might make him reconsider his thoughts? <3
Interesting. It's pretty unusual for someone to be that virulently homophobic unless the issue is somehow personal. It might be that on some level he already suspects that you are gay. That would be a reason that the topic would become emotional for him. Or he might be gay himself, or he might suspect that someone in his immediate family is gay, or something like that. One thing you might want to be prepared for is the possibility that he is gay himself. Have you ever asked him why he's so emotionally invested in the subject? Lots of people have very strong heterosexist beliefs, without getting emotionally involved in it and ranting about them. That sort of emotional investment indicates that the subject is personal for him somehow. (Another possibility is that he is a sexual abuse survivor, and associates all gay men--completely unfairly--with his abuser.) I think you probably want to be out a college--you want to be able to make gay friends, and all that. Which means you'll need to come out to him. I don't doubt that it will go badly, but it may not destroy your friendship permanently. Whatever it is that has made this topic personal to him is something he would need to work through on his own (unless he decides to share it with you, but that seems unlikely if he hasn't up to now). Once that was done, it should be possible to repair your friendship. Just make it clear that you regard his reaction as his issue, and you'll still be there to be his friend once he works through his crap.
hes probably thinking he could never get along with a gay person.without realizing he does already.congrats on telling a few people already.
first, thank you all for your responses Eh.. I've tried educating him. I'm a fairly liberal person, and most of my friends know it. It just doesn't seem to have any impact on him. The most progress I've made with him is that initially he said he could NEVER get on with a gay person, but now it's apparently 'It would be very, very, very rare for me to get on with a gay person'. But you could be right, maybe if I told him I was gay he would atleast stop being so vocal about it around me like your friend did. Thank you I know you have a point, but I don't consider him a friend. I consider him a brother. We actually went to nursey together too, and we both started that when we were 3. So it's hard to just write him off; he's been in my life as long as I can remember, he really is basically a brother to me. :l Eh, I don't know.. I mean, I obviously think his point of view is wrong, totally and utterly, and I think most of the western world does now as well. But it's his choice, his freedom to support any opinion he wants. Of course I want him to change his opinion on the matter, but I don't think I'd force him too. And truthfully, I don't see him accepting me for who I am.. his opinion has been pretty much this way since he was 10-ish. And haha, I wish I could tell him that . We have quite the typical blokey relationship; never talk about feelings, only ever really have banter. Would be so strange to suddenly be like 'I'm scared of losing you' and probably make the situation more awkward xD. Thank you though :icon_bigg I don't know, we both come from the same type of family. Our parents are both old parents (we're 17/about to turn 18, and both our parents are nearing 60) and we both come from quite a conservitive family that dislikes minorities, frankly. The only difference is I swayed the complete opposite way of my parents influence, while he embraced his parents ideology, thus becoming homophobic/slightly racist every now and then too. I just always assumed that was why he is the way he is. Truthfully I think he does as well, it's one of the few things that's giving me hope about the situation, 'cause if he already suspects me.. and he's still talking to me, well, it means he won't completely disown me, right? I don't think he is gay, or if he is, he's very far deep in the closet and must hate himself alot. He does think his brother is gay though, now that you mention it, but they aren't very close and he's never seemed hugely affected by his suspecions so I never thought much of it. Like I said earlier, I just always thought that his beliefs came from his parents influence. Plus he's always seemed scared of gay guys, that they might hit on him/flirt with him/like him. Infact it's another huge worry for me; I'm scared that he might think since we're so close I could/would like him like that.. and I don't/never could. I'd really class it as incest, not gunna lie. >_> I never thought of that.. but I'd have no idea of how I'd approach that subject. I have asked him before why it bothers him so much, he just always responds with he thinks it's disgusting/he thinks it's wrong. Yeah, wise words. I think you're right, and I think it would be best in the long run for me to come out. Thank you :icon_bigg Well there's this bloke that hangs around us, and my gayder kinda went off when it came to him, and I told him.. and he distanced himself alot from the guy. So I think it's more a case of that he doesn't want to get along with gay guys.. but thank you for the encouragement.
Bit of an update.. I tried talking to my friend on Wednesday during English Lit about the subject again, this time bringing up someone we both know who came out as gay. Conversation turned bad quickly, he basically said 'You always talk about this subject. Don't you see that it disgusts me? I mean, if you're going to make me want to vomit everytime I talk to you, I won't talk to you'. Felt pretty awkward after that, we sat there in silence for the next hour and a bit.. and then today during English lit, he sat somewere else and not next to me like he usually does. Situations gone down the crapper quite quickly, although I think it's given me a little confidence oddly. I'm starting to think now what the f*ck, why should I care about him if he doesn't care about me. And I came out to another friend, so that makes it 6 people now. :icon_bigg Still though, not gunna lie, feel rather awful. I mean, it's easy to be ballsy and act like you don't care, but losing a brother of 13 years over this. Would be easier if I was straight. >_>
Congratulations on coming out to 6 people! When I came out to my best friend (essentially sister) of 14 years, it didn't go well. We were both crying by the end, but now (it has been about 8 months give or take of intensely hard work) we are closer than ever. It really helped our relationship and I felt such a huge sense of relief after she knew. I know it is impossible not to care when you are so close with someone, but honestly in the long run coming out to him now will be better for you. I know that it is incredibly hard, but it will be worth it when you can be yourself in college. The people you want around you for the rest of your life are going to be the people that love and accept you. It is better to find out now where he stands than to invest time in a friendship that might be toxic.
Thank you , seven now though. Once you start, it really does snowball a little bit doesn't it . That's encouraging to hear. Do you mind if I ask if she was homophobic? Or was it just awkward because.. you know, you two are the same gender? Sorry if it's a personal question but I just feel like it might be awkward 'cause he's scared I want to get with him or something, and that couldn't be further from the truth. :l Yeah, I get what you mean. It's helped my relationships with my other friends alot. My other closest friend, I know it sounds cringey but it's like, opened up another huge part of our friendship that I never knew existed and I feel like I've gained alot of confidence from it. It's hard to read that, but I suppose that's like most truths. It's just heart breaking that 13 years of friendship will mean nothing to him in the long run..
