Well hi, i'm Budewn. My real name is Ben but everyone calls me Dew. I guess I should start at the beginning then... I was always a shy, quiet kid growing up, didn't have many friends. Every time I got in trouble my father used to beat me senseless with a belt and then say "Tell ANYONE about this and there's more where that came from." I wouldn't really hold it against him, I did act out most of the time. One day when I was about 12 years old... my little brother was sick and I went to school on my own. When it was about lunch time I went to reach in my backpack for my lunch and found out I forgot it at home. I went and ran back(I lived relatively close) to my house and opened the door to get my lunch. As I went into my room to get my lunch I kept hearing weird noises coming from my dad's bedroom. I peeked in and saw my father forcing my little brother to suck his dick. My father saw me and chased after me, but I quickly closed the door behind me and ran as fast as I could. When I reached a gas station I quickly told the guy to call the police. My dad ran in the store, grabbed me by the shirt as tightly as he could and dragged me outside. The gas station employee however, demanded that my dad stay and wait for the cops to come. My dad then tried to run away when the police car came after him and arrested him. Ever since that day me and my little brother couldn't see each other the same. Even today I question whether or not I can trust another man after what my father did. But here's the weird thing... I think i'm gay. I'm not sure why, there's just something about the male body that just turns me on. One time when I was 13(and just discovered masturbation) I took a banana wrapped with a zip-lock bag and shoved it up my bum to see how it felt. It hurt at first... but I ended up liking it the more I did it. So i'm not really sure... I like guys but I can't trust them. I've never really been attracted to girls, there's just something about the vagina that disgusts me. But yeah... sorry for the long introduction.
have you seen anyone got victim support about what happened.your trust issues seem real normal in the circumstances. do you think you have post traumatic stress .my child hood was pretty messed up 2.im good with people now can trust them alot better.but for a long time even being around friends i would experience alot of fear.time does heal but you may need coping mechanisms.
I think that you should consider counseling. Survivors and witnesses of sexual assault have a hard time (rightfully so) in regaining trust. And for you, it's critically important. Whether or not you're gay, you seem to fine men sexually attractive. So I think this is important to work through. Your father did terrible thing to him and by extension, you. But that doesn't reflect on all men. Rapists are in the minority. There is much potential for you to have a healthy sexuality with other men.
