Am I really the only one in this situation?! *A lil...detailed.

I am in my late 20's, previously married, and I have two kids. Since the divorce I've "acquired" a long term boyfriend but I just can't shake my feelings!

I guess I always knew I was attracted to girls, but I just stuck with the social norms and unsuccessfully tried to suppress my feelings.

I never had any intimate relationship or encounter of any kind with a female until after high school. My best friend and I came out to each other (and only each other) at around 18 or 19 and since then, we've been intimate quite a few (15+) times. I love her as my best friend, but neither of us are interested in a relationship with each other. I've had a very short term relationship with one other girl, but no one knew about it. Some of my friends, including my bf, know I am attracted to women, but none of my family, including my kids, know about my tendencies.

I've had sex with men and the 2 girls, and I honestly cannot say which I enjoy more. Am I supposed to clearly enjoy one over the other? My head turns for a woman before a man, I think about women when I fantasize, hetero porn does nothing for me, but I love hetero sex too! I don't fantasize about it like I do with women, but I still very much enjoy it.

My outlook on monogamy is very black and white, and I won't cheat on my boyfriend, but I am so confused! Before we got together I considered not dating any guys and just seeing if it happened with a girl, but there was instant chemistry with him. If I love him so much and enjoy our intimacy so much, why am I STILL thinking about being with a woman all of the time? I've NEVER had a relationship with a guy, or a time in my life when I wasn't thinking about being with a woman. It's gotten to the point of resenting my mate at times, because being with them kept me from being with a woman. Yet, when I am single I never seem to find a woman. I will admit I don't go looking for her, I just assume she would come just like the guys do. Is this where I went wrong? I've never been to a gay bar, I don't have any gay friends (besides my bestie who is bi and closeted too) and I am pretty intimidated by the gay scene here. And to be quite honest, I am pretty intimidated about being with a woman that isn't my bestie.

I know this isn't a case of curiosity and I know I like being with women, I just don't know where to go from here. I can't see the forest for the trees, so I am hoping my situation resonates with someone, somewhere. Any advice? Suggestions? Questions? Comments?

 

Thanks for honing in on this point, because it is where a lot of my confusion stems from. My relationship with him is great. I don't resent him, I'm very attracted to him, and our sexual relationship better than I've had with any other man. I thought when I met him, after realizing how strong my attraction to him is, that my tendencies would naturally suppress. That hasn't been the case and I don't understand. I feel just as strongly about women as I always have, if not more. We've been together for almost 2 years now and I worry the resentful feelings might creep in if my other feelings persist.

Please note that I realize the resentment I mentioned before is not caused by my bf and they have no fault in my woes. I am not resentful of them, but resentful of the fact that I have such strong desires that I can't fulfill. It is my choice to be in a relationship with a man, but I tend to (mostly subconsciously) sabotage those relationships. I just wish I could be fully satisfied in ANY relationship.

Do I stay with him in hopes my relationship with him develops into total satisfaction instead of mindless sabotage and heartbreak? Do I leave him for the possibility of finding a completely satisfying relationship with a woman? There are so many variables and unanswered questions. I am such an analytical planner with control issues and NONE of this seems to be in my control or even my scope of logic. Such a strange array of feelings and it's hard to make sense of any of it.