I don't feel good enough for my parents or my friends. Some needed help and advice

Re: I don't feel good enough for my parents or my friends. Some needed help and advic

Hi, Alexander.

While I agree that therapy would help, I also believe that EC is a great place to discuss what's going on for you and to get help, whether or not you're also seeing a therapist.

The first suggestion I'll make is to watch Brené Brown's TED talks on shame and vulnerability. She is a researcher who has spent the last 12 years looking at how shame affects people. And your self esteem issues are directly tied into shame, which is ultimatelyl the deeply held fear that we're not worthy of love and belonging.

I think that will be a big start in helping you understand why you feel the way you do, and starting to work on the issues. I'm sure some of the other members her will offer some suggestions from their own experience as well.

 

Re: I don't feel good enough for my parents or my friends. Some needed help and advic

Hi Alexander,

First off (*hug*) and starting to talk about things, is something to be proud off. Pad yourself on the shoulder for that.

As Chip mentioned, Brene Brown's work on shame and vulnerability could help you to start understanding yourself a bit better. So far, you have tried to fit other people's expectations and images of you, thereby neglecting to build up your own self-esteem and self-worth. These two, self-esteem and self-worth are important and help us to stand in front of others, and be able to say "this is me, and this who I am" without hiding behind something or feeling of needing to be something that we are not. Opening up to others, being ourselves means to go out on limb and making ourselves vulnerable. But that is the best thing we can do, because this is how we become stronger inside ourselves.

The other thing you could do, besides watching the videos by Brene Brown, is to start reversing the idea that you are not good enough by starting to accept yourself as you are, without wondering 'will I fit in,' 'will I be accepted.' People, including new friends that you are going to make down the road, will accept the authentic you. You have already gone through some major changes, and you know that they have allowed you to feel better about yourself. Even though these changes were brought on by the need and want to fit in with others, you can take them as a starting point to accepting yourself as you are. That said, as you start accepting yourself, and try to look inside of you, it is possible that you will change your tastes and find things (such as cloths), and ways of going about in doing things, that represent you better.

Then look at the things that are associated with the "regretting" that you have experienced as a result of having changed, and take those and ask yourself: What have I said, or done to fit in? Can I do without them?

(*hug*)

 

Re: I don't feel good enough for my parents or my friends. Some needed help and advic

Changing things about oneself, especially those things that have an impact on how we see and portray ourselves, is very hard. But, change doesn't necessarily mean having to stop everything you do, or the way you present yourself. Yes, there might some changes down the road as you start building and increasing your self-worth and self-esteem, but the important thing for you now is to start building that self-esteem.

Drawing attention to oneself, doesn't need to be through expensive clothing or Gucci hats. At the times, the best attention from people you can get, is through being able to connect with them through authenticity and honesty. Remember though that you have great qualities and things that make you the person that you are, and those are the things that someone would want to know about you. Those are the connectors.

Understanding yourself, is key. You have started that process, and it will take time to fully understand all the different parts of yourself, and how they connect.

You know, it is never nice or a great moment when someone, and worst of all one your parents tells you that you are ugly (no matter what the context or situation). If someone tells you that or infers that based on what you are wearing or your looks, it is more than okay to say "I want you to stop, because you are hurting me." It is natural and understandable that you are taking it personally. How could you not? (*hug*)

Remember that you have started doing all of this for yourself. No one else. Change begins with small steps. Building your self-esteem begins with small steps.

Ask yourself: what are my expectations of myself? How do I see myself? What is it that I (and only I) want to accomplish for myself?

 

Re: I don't feel good enough for my parents or my friends. Some needed help and advic

First, some of the comments below are harsh. But as I've said before... realize I am not saying this to be mean... but to make you think. You wouldn't be talking to the community here if you didn't see there was an issue, and I really applaud you for sticking your neck out, and making yourself vulnerable by sharing this information. It's hard to admit the things you're admitting, but it's a huge step in the right direction of learning to be your authentic self.

You've had a lot of years of terrible influences from your parents in the wrong direction, so it's not going to suddenly change overnight. But you're here, sharing this information, listening, and learning. And those are really huge steps.

Here's the problem: The attention you're getting is "fitting in" attention, not "belonging" attention, so in the long term, all it does is increase your shame. The waitress isn't saying anything nice about you, she's commenting on what you wear. And at a deep level, I know you get what I"m saying. The most rude, nasty, unpleasant person in the world could dress themself in Gucci and get the same comment. But what does it mean? As soon as people figure out what a dick the guy is, no one will want to spend time with him... unless they're just brand whores... so any friendship, attention, or notice anyone gets is completely shallow and phony. And that's why, deep inside, you know that all of this shallowness isn't working for you.

And, unless I miss my guess, *that* is why you're fundamentally unhappy is you've allowed yourself to put on a "mask" that gets you attention, but you know, deep down, people aren't paying attention to you for you, but for your fancy clothes or whatever.

Well, I think we both know that statement is a complete load of crap. You make it sound like it's completely out of your control and someone's putting a gun to your head, which is obviously bullshit. You can wear anything you want. What I think you mean is, you've so defined yourself by all of this shallow materialism, you can't bear to be yourself because you're so used to being this fake person. And, again, that's understandable. But to really understand yourself, it's important to separate what are genuine "I can't do anything about this" statements from "This isn't comfortable for me", because, to grow and because the beautiful person inside and out that I know you can be, you have to work through some pretty uncomfortable stuff to get there.

YES YES YES! You've shared a whole lot of truth here that you may not even realize, so I want to take a moment to take that apart for you:

People who are truly happy, wholehearted, and fulfilled believe they are worthy just as they are. They can go to the grocery store in pajamas, wearing ratty tennis shoes, and not care what people think, because they know that the clothes don't affect who they are, that they are beautiful inside and out, and worthy of love and belonging as they are, without fancy clothes, fancy cars, makeup, hairstyles, or anything else. People that judge others as "ugly" are generally really unhappy with themselves, and projecting that image or judgment onto others as a way to feel better about themselves. And -- make no mistake -- the poeple that call you "ugly" are just as comfortable calling you "stuck up" or a "brand whore" or a "lazy rich kid" or any of a thousand other insults. Because... the statement isn't coming from a place of truth, it's coming from their own insecurity. You'll never make those people happy, so there's no sense in bothering to try, or worrying about their opinion.

Your parents have done an unbelievably terrible disservice to you by sending you these (blatantly wrong) messages and the only thing I can say is that it seems clear that, regardless of how they appear, they are fundamentally unhappy people themselves. So you have the choice of continuing the pattern of unhappiness for another generation, or learning to love yourself for who you are, not for what clothes you wear, what car you drive, or anything else. I can absolutely promise you that if you work on this, you will be much, much happier with your life.

Well... it makes sense to take advice if it's good advice that comes from a trusted source and makes sense. But it's terrible advice to simply change something because someone tells you to. I'm not often in a position to say something like this, but it seems safe to tell you that, based on what you've said, nearly anything your parents tell you will probably fall in the category of "terrible advice" and should at the least be checked with others you trust (such as the community here at EC). Ditto anyone who tells you that you need to dress a certain way, act a certain way, or buy things or anything of the kind. All of those are actions of "fitting in"; you will never "belong" by doing those things, and belonging is what's important. Belonging comes from being your absolute, complete, authentic self, and letting everyone see the real you. (the "you" that isn't in flashy clothes, a nice car, and waving around tons of money and expensive things).

I don't think so. I mean, it's possible I'm wrong, but I'd place a pretty large wager on the idea that you've learned to believe , from terrible advice/statements/interactions with your parents, that expensive things are important to "fit in." I would wager that you don't even really know what you like, or what makes you happy, because, based on things you've said, I'm near certain that you've never really been happy in your life yet.

But that can change. And I think, by having this conversation with everyone in the EC community, you're starting that process.

Think about where that comes from. Think about your parents, and what you experienced growing up. And think about what I've said above about "fitting in" and belonging. Do you get where I'm going with this? If you really look at it, whose attention are you really trying to get?

I hope the above is helpful.

 

Re: I don't feel good enough for my parents or my friends. Some needed help and advic

OK, look at what I posted above again. It's complete bullshit that you can't wear something that isn't name brand. Again, you've developed such strong armor about clothes that you're letting the brands define you. And that isn't you, it's some bullshit that someone has fed you for so long, you believe it. It's not in your blood, it is in the utterly fucked up values that your parents have fed you since you were young.

As far as "can't"... would you prefer to walk naked down main street of your town, or wear an ordinary, non-designer brand of clothing? I'll wager that you'd go for the ordinary clothes. (Putting aside the idea that you might draw attention to yourself by being naked, and maybe that would be appealing to you.) So "can't" is bullshit.

So I'm sorry, but I'm back to what I was saying earlier, in another thread: If you really, truly are so shallow that the only thing you care about are expensive clothes and cars, I feel really, really sorry for you because.... you're very unlikely to ever have real friends.

And I simply don't believe you. I believe that you believe what you're saying, but I don't believe it's the real you, just this bullshit set of armor that your parents have shamed you into wearing.

Want to start fixing it? Here's your assignment:

Go to the local Goodwill, or Salvation Army. Buy yourself a pair of pants, a shirt, a belt, a pair of shoes. It cannot be a designer or brand name, nor can it be a trendy t-shirt with a brand name on it. It should be something attractive... but just not a brand name of any kind, nor a knock-off of a brand name.

Take your time and find something that fits nicely. Don't spend over $25 on the whole wardrobe.

And then put the clothes on, and go to a mall, shopping center, or some place where there are a bunch of people, but one you don't usually go to. Spend at least an hour walking around. You are not allowed to go into any upscale clothing shops or department stores. Make eye contact and smile at people. Try and strike up a conversation with a couple of people. See what sort of responses you get.

That's probably one of the most terrifying assignments you've ever gotten. But I think if you do, you will be really surprised. People will treat you differently... probably better than they currently treat you. You may not draw as much immediate attention just because you aren't wearing ridiculously pretentious clothing. But you can start drawing attention for *you*, your personality, and who you are.

This will take practice. But it will be worth it.