-ahem- first post, and it's going to most likely be long... So, I basically always knew I was different. Growing up (in a relative manner of speaking, I'm still 16) I never was the most masculine person, and always made friends with girls ever. My childhood wasn't the best and so I never really noticed the differences. The counselors my mother sent me to right after everything that happened (which won't be mentioned) simply explained my "difference" as the result of such events. And that was that. But growing into my teen years and puberty, I was still different. Because of my homophobic step-father, and cultural upbringing I didn't even know what it meant to be gay. I just thought it was something bad. Nothing beyond that. I was still friends with mainly girls through middle school, and slowly learning the ways in the world, including sexuality. Of course, the way I was brought up, being gay wasn't even an option. So I always assumed it would never be me, and basicly weaved lies to myself, saying things like my thoughts and feelings were part of those "horomone" things. Anyways, more in recent times I've slowly began to accept who I am. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm purely "gay", rather somewhere in between bi and gay, only because when I was in middle school and early highschool I emotionally liked girls, but could never see myself actually having sex with them. However, I definitely emotionally and sexually liked guys. Hence my status as "in between the two") So recently I've began to ponder the possibility of coming out. But have run into far too many...problems. The first of which is my parents' religious affiliation. Namely, they're mormon. Yeah. They've raised me as such, however I've never truly shared the same belief. I'll touch on this later, as it's part of the way to comprehensive lie that I've formed. Well, about a year and a half ago, I made a mistake. I forgot to clear my history after looking at gay porn. Whoops. So my mother confronted me and asked me flat out whether or not I "felt that way". It would have been the perfect opprotunity, however at the time I myself wasn't quite sure of myself yet, and simply told a lie about a virus that gave pop-ups every few seconds with it. She bought it and then proceeded to basically say "thank god, because I don't know what I would have done with a gay son, it's too hard to imagine the shame". So that's one parent. My step-father, for whatever reason, is so homophobic that every few weeks he'll talk about how he thinks that all gays should be rounded up and killed, just to get rid of the problem. So at the moment, that eliminates coming out to my parents. So then for my friends, I've basically had the same group of friends through highschool, and I know they're at least suspicious (at least the girls are). Well, that in theory would give me perfect opprotunity to open myself up. Now, I've basically decided upon certain, "trustworthy" people that I'll work on eventually coming out to. But there is the problem of the guys in the group, possibly some of the homophobic people I know. I mean, when the subject isn't brought up I love hanging out with them, but once they get on a rant, it's pathetic. But that's partially not they're fault considering it is upper-middle class suburbia right smack in the middle of the bible-belt south. After seeing what happened to the last few gay people that came through the group, and noticing that I've never really seen them since because the male half rejected them so badly, I can't really even come out to the whole group. Even if I did, it's large enough that I'd basically be coming out at school too. I even considered doing that, then my mother came up with a nasty surprise of "Guess what, I'm teaching at your school this year!". Yeah, so there went that idea. Meanwhile there is the ridiculously comprehensive lie that I've concocted over the years. From church where I've put on the facade of the ideal perfect mormon boy (who ironically is a gay-non believer) to school where even though I might half-act the part of gay, it's because I'm "comfortable with my masculinty and am really one of the straightest people you'll meet". It's even to the point where I've "let it slip" that I "like" certain girls to the point that it causes typical high-school drama crap (the annoying kind) which basically seals the deal, not to mention I'm considered one of the more "experienced" males in the group not to my own credit, even though the most I've done is kissed a girl, but they think I've done quite a bit more. And I've basically strung myself into a trap of everyone thinking I'm the straightest people they know. As of recent though, I've gone to work, and at that it's a clothing retail store where half of the staff is gay, and I finally feel like I fit in. I've already made the decision to start coming out to them, and that's good. But my only worry is once I can start being myself in one place, how can I keep the facade in all of the others, where coming out basically isn't an option? I don't know anymore, but I know that I do want to eventually come out to everybody, and I don't even know how, or what the reactions will be.
I'm not too good at giving advice, but the last part, it seems that you do feel that you fit in with a group of people that kind of know what you might be going through. It is hard going on through life pretending to be something that you are not. Even though you consider yourself bisexual. I went through the same situation at one point, even though I was gay from the beginning, I was in High School, I felt an attraction towards a female. She was kind, caring, and loving. I felt like I wanted to tell her how much I liked her, thats when I felt myself slipping to being bisexual, giving it a try. After she told me she couldn't date and all that. I felt heart broken. Then at 20 I finally realized that I was lying to myself, that I was in fact gay, I knew I was gay ever since I was younger. I guess it happens. Sorry for the dumb story. But in your situation, your parents are pretty much out of the equation of coming out, your Mom has already told you that she would feel bad having a gay son. It sucks having a homophobic father as well, because usually that comes with a lot of bad consequences. I can tell from what you've posted on this thread that you're really trying your best to not let it slip, but at the same time you're wanting to be who you are, through High School, you might lose some of the friends that you have there. Its happened to me, and I lost pretty much all my friends from High School except one who contacted me a couple of months ago. He came out to me as well, and I came out to him. My best advice I could give right now, is just be you, sooner or later it will slip and the cat will be out of the bag.
You know, with my friends, rather than telling them I was straight, I told them I was asexual. Heckuva lot easier to pull off, let me tell you. Eventually, the stress of lying constantly got to me so much that I finally caved and came out to them. They didn't mind in the slightest. But when they realized that I had basically been lying to them for a few months, they were less than thrilled. They're still my friends (thank goodness), but I felt really terrible about lying for a while. I guess what I'm trying to get out is that you shouldn't act like someone you're not. If someone can't deal with your sexual preference, they'll most likely also be ticked about you leading them on. Not a good idea to add up a few more marks against you. What I would suggest is that you come out at work, but make sure that they know that no one else is aware. Coming out to even just one person can do wonders for stress. And if they're gay (you mentioned half the staff was, so yay!), then you might have someone besides people online that can help you through your problems. And you should really stop trying to act straight. Not acting gay and acting straight are two different things, and the former is so much easier, and so much more forgivable when/if you do come out. As for your parents.... That's really rough. Is there anyone in your family that you think you could safely discuss your sexuality with? Because having a family member to talk to is really nice... You should come out to them eventually. They're your parents, and even if they don't approve, at least they know. Better you tell them instead of them possibly walking in on you and a boyfriend one day. That might make them die of shock. But my suggestion would be to do it when they can do the least harm to you. Meaning, wait until you're an adult so that they can't force you to go to counseling or something. Or maybe wait until you have your own place. Things like that. Don't know if any of this crud helped, but I hope at least some of it did. Good luck.
Oh god, I hate hate hate how this whole thing, life as a gay up to 20 (and beyond for some) is like a fucking video game, each lever getting harder. You have to learn new tricks to fend off your more experienced opponents. I wish it WAS as easy as being yourself, but, what about falling into habit, it just becomes so easy to play their game, although, hard to win. As for your having told your friends at work, I think its great! But, as you mentioned, it puts you in a sticky situation. How can HE know but not HER? That guy, but not your mom, and so on. Its even like chess, evaluation. "That move brings instant gratification, but its so risky, I hope he doesn't see the weakness I have created..." God, this is so similar to my situation (minus the moroman parents not knowing- mine are open to it and my mom knows) I guess I cannot really give you advise, my plan is to tell the ones who I know I can truely trust, forever, and see how long I can bear it before I unleash it to the whole world. Wouldnt it be nice to wait 'til university? Fresh start and you can drop the friends that dont take it well. You don't have to see them every day. Goodluck! hope we both 'win' this game
If the people at your school are likely to accept you, go for it. If I were you, I would tell everybody just to see the looks on their faces when their image of me comes crashing down.:lol:
Hi Qu - and welcome to EC:smilewave I might be a little different to the others here and counsel you be pretty cautious about the whole process. I don't know where you live, whether it is a big place or a small (everyone knows everybody elses business) type of town. I think you need to think about the implications of coming out as they directly affect you. If you can safely come out to a select few people who you can be assured will be discreet - then I would say that could well a huge relief and likely a big plus in terms of having support and understanding. The other side of the coin is that you say you are 16 - and therefore I assume unlikely to be financially independant for a few years. If the word DID get back to your family (or non supportive friends)...what would the implications be for you in the shorter term? While continuing a lie is not always the best thing to do - rejection or the possible prospect of "conversion" therapy could be worse than keeping your feelings private a while longer. Only you can really assess your own circumstances - and the likely results of coming out. Maybe I'm reading your post in an overly negative light - but it does sound to me as if you feel there would be serious consequences at home if the news were to get back there. Another thought, if you don't feel you could reliably keep the info from the people you don't wish to know - are you likely to be going away to college/Uni at some stage? If so, frustrating tho' it may be to wait - could it be a better option to put your coming out on hold until you have some "distance" between your daily life and your home situation? Sorry - no black and white advice from me - but some things to think about and hopefully take into consideration in reaching what will hopefully be the right decision for you.
