I'm completely lost in my own head. For the last three years I've identified to everyone around me as a lesbian. The feelings that I might be like this started when I was around 14. I fell for one of my best friends, and I still want her. But I can't help feeling that i'm just forcing myself into this gay category to, i don't know, make my life more interesting or dramatic. I keep thinking that one day i'll have to confess and tell everyone what a phony I really am. Except I'm not sure if that's true. Here's what I know. I find women sexually attractive. If I ever watch pornography that has been my predominant preference. But outside this area I'm also attracted to guys, if not sexually then intellectually. I have memories of feeling for guys, real feelings. I haven't felt then in a long time but i know they've existed. I nearly had sex with a man last year to clarify my head but I pulled out. The reason i'm writing here is because I went on a date with a girl last week and I felt nothing. She wasn't very attractive but we had a great deal in common and I just needed to find some bloody clarity. But i'm back here again. When people talk about their sexuality and that feeling that 'they always knew' I feel like crying. Because I never have, I've never been sure of myself like that. Maybe i'm forcing myself to feel more gay than I am or maybe i'm making myself think that because it's easier to deal with than the reality of being a lesbian. I really can't say.
Hi... This situation sounds exactly like what my bf has been going through. He always thought he was gay but never told anyone and was never intimate with anyone until me. He still thinks he is gay, finds men sexually attractive and wants to experiment with them but is in love with me... a female... go figure. I think... but do not no for sure, that who you fall in love with is to do with how you connect emotionally, not necessarily based on gender. When the right person comes along, male or female... you will feel the connection and find the clarity you were looking for
First, I understand exactly how you feel about the "I always knew" thing. I too feel dejected when I hear about people who knew they were gay when they were very young because I didn't and still don't for sure. Don't feel like you're the only one though, and honestly, I think a lot of people say they always knew when they look back on it only because they now know they are. Not always, but a lot of times. Have you considered that you may be bisexual? Sometimes bisexual people swing back and forth between the gender they prefer, so it's possible you're doing that. Regardless, if your friends accepted you as a lesbian and you told them you were questionng or had to come out again, I don't think they would think you're a phony. I don't have any experience to go on but I'd say it's a lot easier to come out once people already accepted you as gay because that means they don't have a problem with different sexual orientations. Maybe just try to not think about it for a while (trust me I know that's much easie said than done). Sometimes if you let it go it will suddenly reappraisal on it's own much clearer later on. At the very least if you try to focus on it less you lgbt not get so stressed. Good luck, we're always here for you .
