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I FINALLY told her that I love her...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Caoimhe Fayre, Sep 25, 2012.

  1. Caoimhe Fayre

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    First I want to apologize for being mostly invisible girl lately, and be honest that that will likely largely continue until after November 20th. I just found out that I am actually meeting my goal (so far) of being the top student in my class, and I want to keep that up. But that means the time I have to put into everything else is limited, and I'm focused now on my college GSA, PFLAG, my music and school. Oh, and family. But these things are all too much.

    But I had to share this with you.

    I've been totally in love with the same person for several years now, though I only just realized it in the summer of 2011. She's a really good friend, someone who has supported me through some of the most difficult times in my life and whenever I see her I feel like even the worst days become good ones.

    I've been terrified to tell her about my feelings for her, because I've not been sure if she is straight or gay (I've never outright asked) and because I rely on her friendship. She is - and will hopefully remain, though in a different way than I originally wanted - one of the most important people in my life.

    I came out to her, and she didn't come out to me but she has been one of the more supportive people of my coming out process. Sometimes she'd say things that would make me think "she doesn't get it at all" and sometimes she'd say things that would make me think "how would she know that if she's straight?"

    Anyway, I decided a few nights ago - she was saying some less than positive things about herself - that I needed to tell her, one so I could let go and move on if she doesn't reciprocate, and two so that she could know that there is someone out there in whose eyes she is perfect, so that she might stop being so hard on herself.

    So I worked up my courage. I'm at a point now where I have (hopefully) enough really supportive people - I mean, GSA, my teachers at school, PFLAG, other friends - in my life, that even if I were to lose the person currently occupying the number one spot for that role in my life, I'd be hurting but I wouldn't be hurt beyond repair.

    I told her: (some paraphrasing 'cause I didn't really practice or write this down) "You know I think you're beautiful. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I want you to know that in my eyes, you are everything. I'd do anything for you, you are perfect and you don't need to change a thing about yourself. The things you were saying the other night made me think that maybe I should tell you how I feel, because even if you don't reciprocate, you should know that I think you're the most beautiful person I know."

    She told me that there is no part of her that is lesbian, so I should forget about certain parts of that "anything", but thanked me for telling her and we talked briefly. I don't know if things will be awkward when I see her next or not, but I know that now when I start to look at someone else I won't be thinking "they aren't her" or feeling like I didn't give her a chance to reciprocate before deciding she was unavailable to me.

    And I know that when I finally did tell her about my feelings, it wasn't entirely about me. So even though I'll be letting go now, and continuing to seek out that one person that I can love in an exclusive and special way, the love that I have for her is real because it is about what she wants, what she needs, what is good for her. And even letting go, is about what's good for our friendship, and about what she wants.

    So I want to cry. But I also feel a lot lighter, and freer, and happier, and I have every reason to hope that our friendship will continue the same way. I don't see her again until Saturday, and things could change after she's had time to think about it, but I hope that she really doesn't feel awkward and that she understands like she said she did. There's so much that I didn't say, that I meant to and yet now I probably never will, but that's okay. The most important things were communicated.
     
  2. Katelynn

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    I am so unbelieveably proud of you. I know it didnt go as you had hoped, but you took that really brave, important step & that is what matters. And it is as you said, you can move on now, which is really a good thing for you & does not diminsh your feelings for her in the least. (*hug*)
     
  3. Fisnou

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    Wow, that's very brave of you! I have a close (straight) friend I've had a bit of a crush on but I don't think I'll ever mention it cos I know I don't stand a chance and besides, she has a boyfriend. It's best not to get involved in my case!

    I hope your friendship will remain strong, if not stronger. Let us know how it goes on Sat!
     
  4. dreamcatcher

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    That's awesome :slight_smile: You are one brave girl! Good luck and keep us updated!
     
  5. prism

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    Congratulations. Sincerely. That took a lot of courage and, while it hurts, it's good to hear you have some closure. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Caoimhe Fayre

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    :slight_smile: thanks.

    I'm trying so hard to be mature about this and to be accepting. why does it hurt so much? I wish now that I hadn't told her. :frowning2: it seems like it maybe really is screwing up the friendship. normally she asks me to sit in the front row for choir but today she kept me in the second row. and normally she asks me if I need a ride and today she ignored me instead. like bare minimum politeness. maybe I'm reading too much into every little thing, and usually if she doesn't ask me at Mass she'll e-mail me at around 10pm but I just don't know...

    this on top of everything else lately and I just don't know if I really can handle all this. I just want to cry and be held right now, normally she's the one who is there when I am hurting this badly. I feel lost and hopeless and empty and scared and abandoned and unlovable. I know it'll get better. I know I have to hold it together. a few more months of being the perfect student and my life will be good, really good, I'll have a job and earning power and I'll be able to work towards leaving this stupid town behind, moving somewhere with a real LGBTQ community. but honestly it seems so unreal and pointless.

    I hate the way I feel right now. :frowning2:
     
  7. Caoimhe Fayre

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    I kind of hope I never fall in love again. this hurts way too much. I can't cope. with everything else, it's too much. way too much. thank god I have counseling on Monday, and a doctors appointment. I broke down on Thursday in the middle of class and have been in counseling pretty much since. my teachers made me go to counseling instead of to my next class, they promised me I could make it up later, and made me go to counseling instead of my test in the morning on Friday, which I'll also make up later.

    between school, an extremely stressful situation which ended with my clinical placement being switched (that I shouldn't talk about but trust me it was stressful), my sister not talking to me (which I can't figure out why) but saying she's depressed, my mother blaming me for my sister leaving home, and this... I just. wtf is the point? why do I keep trying? I can't cope. I can't.
     
  8. Wrongdaytodie

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    *fingers crossed* You are really really brave, I hope you two will stay friends ^^
     
  9. Caoimhe Fayre

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    now I feel like a total moron. I've just spent all night crying and checking my e-mail literally every two minutes. she just e-mailed me and offered a ride.

    I can handle unrequited love. but I can't handle losing this friendship. looks like, awkwardness was just on my part... or at least, she's gotten over my confession of love, and is still being my friend. so everything is okay. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Spirit

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    You were so brave to put your self out there like that! I have feelings for a girl who I know probably can never return them, but I don't think I could ever tell her about them to her face. Even though it didn't work out, you should still be really proud that you were able to express your feelings.(*hug*)
     
  11. Katelynn

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    You CAN handle this, you are such a strong person! I KNOW this about you! Your friend is just going thru a period of adjustment give her some time is all, Im sure things will go back the way they were when she realizes that your friendship with her will always be the same as it was before! (*hug*)
     
  12. myheartincheck

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    It's so hard to be open about such deep feelings for anyone, but especially when it's someone of the same sex who might not swing that way. It's harder then because you wonder "If one of us was a guy would she be attracted to me in that way...?" at least that's what I always wonder.

    I'm so proud of you I really am! I'm a wuss cuz I just can't muster the strength to do what you did. =/