I don't know how to build my self-esteem up from where it is

For some reason I still deal with low self-confidence and I don't know what else to do to improve it. I have already come out and its an ongoing process of course, but personally I am perfectly fine and even happy about it, I like the feeling of being different and unique. I love the attention, like when someone yells a slur at me it just gets me excited, I don't even get mad, its weird. So there is that.

I am have no issues with myself physically, I love my body and the way I look. I am actually arrogant about it internally (probably to compensate for other things). I consider myself better looking than most of the people I meet, for better or worse. This is kind of weird, but I am actually embarrased at how my personallity matches up with with the physical image of myself. If I am good looking, why can't my personallity exude the same confidence I feel in myself physically? I ask this question a lot.

I am confident in myself professionally. Right now I have a plan that I know I can complete and will give me a good standard of living, I don't know if it is the right one because I don't feel any passion for anything professionally related. I just want to make enough money to not worry about money (I realize this is a dream to a lot of people, but this is the attitude I have, which once again is kind of arrogant).

I feel like I catagorize my friends (or recent aquaintences) between three levels: 1) Am I better than them. If one holds true in my mind, it is very easy to communicate and generally just be myself because I don't care what they think about me (w.e the fuck that is, I consider myself a boring person) 2) We are on the same level, kinda (I still always compare myself to them and reavulate) I only feel this way about a few friends, who I consider my best friends. I care allllooott about what these people think about me, but I have nearly absolute confidence that they will never abandon me. 3) People who I find more interesting than myself and who I generally mentally think of as better than me. I love these people, they make me laugh every other word they say ect. ect. ect. I want to be around them a lot and I want them to like me so badly and I want to be like them. But I can't be myself around these people, I don't know what to talk about (they talk about such interesting things! that never even cross my mind).

Just to expand the picture a little, I not a social outcast with few (or no) friends. I have friends but it doesn't matter because I am not ok with myself.

Internally I just wallow in self-pity. And I think about it all the time. Why do I feel the need to fish for compliments only to then get embarrased by them? Why do I always think about myself and my problems constantly instead of thinking about things that I could actually use in a conversation that aren't designed to just feed my self-pity pool. Why do I catagorize people this way and why do I instantly think that I am not worthy for someone I just met even though I barely know them. Why do I have these problems when everything else in my life is relatively perfect (I feel guilty, like I am wasting my opportunity to be awesome)? When am I going to feel as happy as all those happy people that I meet all the time, that just love themselves and are open to talk about anything with confidence? Seriously, one the things that I tell people sometimes is that I have no sense of humor... who the fuck admits to not being funny and being bad at making others laugh, I do of course.

And then people say "don't wallow in self-pity, its bad for you!", well OBVIOUSLY, that doesn't change how I feel. "Get out and meet people, blah blah blah!", I have and nothing changes, no matter how many people say "your so nice, cute, sweet, hot" (of course I never hear funny) my personallity stays the same: submissive, shy, brooding, boring (except of course around people whose opinions I don't care about). All those references to arrogance might be true or not, idk, its possble I am just fishing for more pity. Like I am listening to FIx You, come on that's so pathetic. Seriously, wtf would I do if I didn't have so much going for me, I'd probably be suicidal, instead I am just frustrated.

W.e I am going to a counslar soon, but I don't know if it will help.
Thanks.

 

Yes I want to change my behaviors. I don't like being submissive socially and feeling lower than everyone I meet during the first impression. Why do I have to feel superior in some way to someone before I can be comfortable conversing with them? I don't actively categorize my friends, it just happens subconsciously.

As for the second statement, it always rings false when I say it to myself. Maybe I am good enough for the relationships I have right now, but I want more than that. Also what makes me, me feels like a lot of negatives. My being is defined by my insecurities and longing for something that I don't have right now and don't know how to get. I want to be good enough to be friends with people who I see and go "wow that person is awesome, I would love to build a stronger relationship with him/her". But with that statement i just put him/her on a pedestal and now I can't be myself because I can't get rejected, that would be too much.

 

You are mostly right and thanks for the advice. I don't actually want to be "above" others of think I am or have that mentality. That is actually one of my insecurities. After thinking about it my "catagories" mainly line up with how someone can make me laugh. I have friends I enjoy spending time with just because of the social interaction but they just don't make me the same way, they just don't entertain me as much as others. The problem is that there are only a few people that really entertain me that I am friends with (maybe 4-5) and I am grateful for those relationships, but I have known all those people except one my whole life. The difference between these friendships is that I feel we entertain each other whereas anytime I meet new people I love being around, I feel that I can't contribute. Its a one-way street, you make me laugh and I compliment you or something, but I rarely get you to laugh out-loud as I do. I want to meet new people (especially gay people) who I can have the same thing with, but I just find myself boring and think to myself that the only reason I get any attention is because of my physical appearance because my personality is shit.