Please help – I’m a 25 year old woman and I’ve just realised I could be gay. When I think of myself as gay, I get a happy feeling in my stomach. It just feels right. When I look at gay women I think they’re so cool, funky and I’m jealous that they’re able to be themselves and everybody loves them. I have a problem, I’m engaged to my long term partner of 6 years. I love him very much but I’m not sure if I’m in love with him. I first realised I could be gay when my good friend started flirting with me. I’m not sure if she’s gay but she kept flirting with me and I just didn’t know what to do, it felt good, so I carried on. It was like an addiction, I knew I shouldn’t be doing it since I had a fiancé but I just couldn’t help myself, I had to talk to her. I couldn’t carry on not knowing what I was feeling so one day I just kissed her and it felt amazing. I felt like I was going to burst with emotion. She didn’t kiss me back, she just let me kiss her. I was shocked with myself and completely anxious. I know if she gets a girlfriend/boyfriend I will be devastated. I just can’t tell her because I don’t think she will discuss anything with me until I sort myself out with my fiancé first. He knows about everything and I tell him every day that I’m scared I might be gay. He’s fine with it and he’s even suggested that I join a LGBT club at my university. I feel really bad for him though, he’s deeply in love with me and I have told him that I am bisexual (since I fell for him in the first instance). I am so confused, and what’s more, everyone keeps asking when the wedding is and I just don’t want to marry him right now. When I think about marrying him I just want to fast forward my life. I think to myself that I have 5000 days until I’m 50 then I might die. This is no way to live. I am so scared as I have never been on my own (I’ve not been single since I was 17). I never explored myself as a teenager since I’ve been in a relationship with my fiancé for 6 years and before that I was in a relationship for 2 years. I’ve not felt like this before but I was very possessive about my female friend of 10 years. When she went away I kept on clicking on her name on Facebook (you know, like people do with their boyfriends/ex boyfriends)? The only people that have ever hurt me emotionally in my life are women. I can’t seem to get emotionally connected to men even though I might be turned on by them. I really don’t know what to do or where to think. I’m doing a PhD which is pretty hard and I don’t really get time to think. I feel so crap about myself, I should be happy and planning my wedding but all I can think about is running away. I don’t know whether all these thoughts are just cold feet (I’m not very good with decisions). But I’m hurting inside and my skin is bad. I feel like crying all of the time but I can still get out of bed, I’m more anxious than depressed. I’ve always felt different to a lot of my friends, I identified more with the boys and when I realised how I felt about being a woman – I had to marry and have kids, I developed strong opinions about feminism (cliché right?!). I’ve never wanted children but I’ve always found them sweet and lovely. At the moment I don’t love myself at all, I hate myself actually. I have never been normal and I would love nothing better than to be someone that’s happily married, with wonderful children, but it’s not me. I’ve always been the odd one out in the family and have always felt that way. I’ve never thought the same as my girlfriends. When I went away to work I bonded with the guys and with the lesbian girls. I seemed to click with them. What can I do to help these feelings go away, I’ve just moved in with my fiancé – 5 weeks in the new house. Please help I am desperate.
Okay I'm late for school so I will be quick. I feel you shouldn't a phycartres I don't know if I spelled that right. I know it has been helping me a lot .and this sounds a lot like season 2 of howi met your mother... Just saying. Any how I hope you are okay and feel better. No matter gay, straight or bi Lesbian, transgendered life I'm on the right track, baby I was born to survive - lady gaga
Hey welcome to EC. Firstly you have definitely come to the right place. Also whilst you feel currently totally alone I can assure you that stories like yours are actually quite common. Im not going to promise you that the feelings will go away because honestly I dont think they will and whilst you are in a slightly difficult position right now, your situation could be a lot worse. Its great that you have recognised these feelings now whilst you are still young and before you are married (even though you probably feel like you wish you had never acknowledged your feelings). I have never been in your exact position but I wasnt in a long term relationship but I did only realise I was gay at 25/26. I have been a member of EC for a few years now and I can tell you from my experiences that loving someone of the opposite gender but not truely being in love with them is not enough, getting married whilst you feel as you do is never going to help the situation. Its good that he already has somewhat of an idea what is going on. I think you have to be completely honest with him and tell him what you told us. It probably means that your relationship will come to an end which will seem like the last thing you want, more insecurity but im sure others will come on and agree with me that it will be the fairest thing for both of you. We are all here to support and help you.
Thanks for your support but I don't think I'm strong enough to leave him. He's my rock and we have done everything together for the last 6 years, he's my best friend. His parents are amazing and I love them and we are practically married without the certificate. His parents would absolutely not accept me for being gay - I tested the waters and they said it was stupid and people should just grow up and be normal - like people can choose?! I wish I had never met my friend, I am so angry and scared right now. ---------- Post added 27th Sep 2012 at 04:04 AM ---------- I come from a small village and no one here is gay, there's no scene. I am a complete stranger
I understand what you are saying but I think you should talk to some of the people on here that have been in your situation before you make a decision. Its obviously got so bad that you have actively seeked this forum so whilst you dont want to cause an issue or upset people do you honestly think you can live the rest of your life like this?
I read your story and it's very touching. For one, you're rightly confused about your sexual orientation. There are ways to figure it out but it all needs time; you owe it to yourself and to your loving boyfriend to figure yourself out before marriage. That means, putting off the marriage until you feel that you are ready. Your boyfriend seem very accepting that you are questioning... like.. a little bit too accepting am I wrong? :icon_wink Sounds to me like he knows something you don't. As in... he feels the love you have for him. You also feel desire towards men, but the best emotional attachments you've had were with women. That sounds very bisexual to me. Bisexual people don't have to equally desire both genders you know? If your boyfriend feels it in his guts that you're actually bisexual but need to discover the gay part of you, he also knows that after all of this you'll still be loving him so he's secure with the whole idea. Secure enough to suggest you to go to groups which is an excellent idea by the way. In short, all the elements are there for you to come to know yourself better and to maybe end up loving yourself too. The LGBT meetings may be a good start, as well as talking with your boyfriend about delaying the marriage. :goodluck:
Hi there, and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place. I can't tell you how to make these feelings disappear. Now that they've entered your consciousness, they're not going to go away. I liken it to opening Pandora's Box. You can't ever put back inside what you've let out. The reality is that some of us take longer to figure this out than others. I was in my mid 30s, married with 2 kids, before I finally had to acknowledge that I was gay. There were signs before I was married, but I ignored them. My subconscious wouldn't allow me to even consider the idea. I'm assuming because society conditions us to be straight. The assumption is that we're straight - that we'll meet someone of the opposite sex, date, marry, have children, and live a 'normal' life. So we go with that as long as we don't have strong feelings or indicators that this isn't going to work for us. Those indicators just show up at different times for everyone. Some people here say they knew they were gay before they were 10. Others are in their teens. People your age in their 20s. Others like me in their 30s. And some older than that. Everyone is different. So what to do now? Not much more than what others have said. Give yourself some time. Speak to a therapist of some kind. Perhaps there are counsellors at your university. Perhaps there is some kind of LGBT support center where you live. (Although not likely if you're in a small town...) But talking to someone - an unbiased professionsl - will be very helpful. For you, for your boyfriend, and for both of you together. This will be a difficult period for him as well, and he might benefit from some support. You're not crazy. You're not 'choosing' this path. You just happen (it would appear) to be one of the 5 to 10% of the people in this world who aren't straight. Get some professional help. Hang out here too - it helped me come to terms with my orientation. Hopefully, you and your boyfriend can continue to be good friends despite the fact that you might break up. My ex wife was devastated at first, but came to realize that I couldn't help it, and I didn't deceive her on purpose. She has been very positive and supportive, and has been a role model for our two daughters by accepting me and loving me. Over 5 years later I'm not remarried to a wonderful man who also has 2 children from a previous marriage. Our 4 kids were our wedding party last summer when we got married in front of 50 or so of our friends and family. This isn't the end or something to fear. This is a change in course, and in a direction that will allow you to be happier in the long run. That's my prediction anyway. Write back here, or to me directly - as I'm one of the "advisors" here. Good luck!
You've gotten a lot of good advice in this thread. And I'll just underline some of it. It took you some time to realize that your sexuality wasn't as "set" as you thought it might be. That happens. But you're still not on a timetable. You don't have to have an answer tomorrow, or next week, or next year. Your boyfriend is being absolutely stellar right now, and give him a gargoyle high-five from me. The only real external issue right now is that people are wondering when you're going to get married. And you can deflect those questions fairly easily. "We've discussed it, and we've decided to hold off on that for now." If they want details, just say "That's sort of between me and him." Feel free to join the LBGQT center. Or if you think that's a bit step, you might just hang out here at EC for a bit, until you get a bit more comfortable in your own skin. Lex
I can relate to your life because I've been there, but I have kids and I'm not married. I wanted to do the whole family thing, you know do the ”right” thing, but for who? I did the ”right” thing by following my heart. I've felt that just loving someone was never good enough to get married; now, being in love, yes...and considering other factors, as well. However, you're not in love with your fiance, so why would you consider marrying him? And I know that people get married for all different reasons and for all the wrong reasons. They end up regretting their choice and then, they waste so many years being unhappy. You don't seem sure, so why make such a huge commitment? The feelings that you have women are not going to go away just because you will be married. That's why I couldn't get married because I knew that was gay, I didn't want to be, but I've learned to accept it. Although, it was not easy at all, but I'm glad that I took the time that I needed to discover who I am without having a man in my life. I seriously think that you should put off the wedding for as long as you can, so you can figure yourself out first. You owe it to yourself and your fiance, his family at this point are irrelevant in your decision. What they think isn't going to matter because of course they're going to try to persuade you to stay with him. You don't need anyone else's opinion to affect your decision. Although, I'm giving you my opinion, but only because I can see how you will be making a mistake. You don't have to rush things, but you need to be honest with yourself foremost. You cannot ran away from yourself, you're going to have an even harder time trying to accept things in the future. Then again, I could be totally wrong, but I think you should take the time to find out what truly makes you happy.
