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Horrible depression returning

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Grendel, Sep 27, 2012.

  1. Grendel

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    don't let the size intimidate you I just needed to think through some stuff:icon_sad:
    Before I get into anything I just want to say that this is my first post and I apologize if it is very long or very short, I haven't slept in two days and am not in a good place right now. So to help gain some peace of mind and possibly some shut eye I figured it was finally time to get something off my chest.

    I don't want to turn this into my life story but I feel like some background is necessary to explain how I ended up where I am right now. Since before I can remember I have always gone through cycles of thinking I am gay and then not thinking it. In second grade I had my first kiss and it was with another guy. When the teacher saw she kept it on the down low and didn't tell my parents but did tell me I shouldn't kiss other guys but girls in stead. As a result I just assumed I was doing it wrong, after all it was before I had any sexual attractions it was just based on what I felt was right, so for all I knew I was just stupid.

    After that year I kept moving around a lot. Up until seventh grade I wasn't at a specific school for more than two years. As a result I never really made any in depth relationships. I was always that quite new kid that not many people knew. Then I moved to where I live to know in North Carolina. When I moved here I was finally able to start making real relations with people. However while all my friends new friends started to get girl friends and started talking about sex I was indifferent about it. My only expierence I could draw upon was second grade where I was told I was doing it wrong. I assumed that I would eventually just find a girl one day and feel like I should go out with her. This lead to a lot of akward forced relationships that I really regret pursuing now. I even watched straight porn for the longest time without realizing that there was more to sex and love than just "doing" it.

    During high school things started to change though. By now I was a little more physically mature. I had always had thoughts of hooking up with my male friends but now I wasn't naive enough to believe what my teacher in second grade told me. I was starting to develop real feelings for some people that where different than just wanting to have sex because that's what you should do. The few girlfriends I forced myself to have I never had any interest in other than as friends. I had just assumed that a girlfriend was just a friend you had sex with ( I'm still a virgin I never went anywhere in those relationships). But I had started feeling real emotional love towards people, and they where only guys. I am not sure when I realized it but I think it was when I started crushing on my friend Andrew sophmore year. I had never felt attracted to someone like that before. I always wanted to be around him, make him smile, make him laugh, be his best friend, and very shockingly have sex with him. When I started feeling this way I just woke up one day and it all made sense: I was gay and I always had been. That's how I figured out that I am gay I guess, feels good to finally just think through it a little and get it out there...

    Anyway this is where things started turning south. Initially I was really happy, probably the happiest I have ever felt, to realize I was gay. Everything seemed to make sense for about a year. After a year though I started feeling isolated, I had chosen not to pursue what anything with Andrew and stop hanging out with him. All my friends where going to parties and hooking up while I was staying home scared of being found out. I had this and still somewhat have this idea that if I stay in the closet it will be better for the long run for me. But towards the end of last year that plan imploded on itself. I was busy studying for the ACT, SAT, 4 AP classes, and trying to get into college and was stressed as you can possibly be. All the while Amendment 1 was being pushed through the NC law system. 99% of the kids at school supported it or just said they did because the majority of other people said so. While I was spending days in my room studying for all my tests by myself all I thought about was the amendment. I couldn't take keeping everything bottled up after so long with all the stress I was under so I reached out to my two closest friends I had. The first one I told was very supporting, she had no problem with it and is still always there to listen to me rant when I need it. The second one I told I had been friends with since seventh grade when I moved to NC (don't and never will have an interest in him). When I told him the first thing he did was say "why would you tell me you know I'm not gay right" and then he changed the topic. Even though in normal context it was not that bad a thing and expected because he came from a religious family I was already really stressed and depressed, I thought he would have understood. The lack of interest from him crushed me he was the only person I trusted enough to really talk about my problems with. I tried to bring it back up a few days later and even said that it was really depressing me but he told me to drop it. He eventually stopped talking to me and isn't friends with me anymore. As a result I'm terrified to talk to anyone about being gay because I am scared that the same thing will happen. This is also why I don't really talk to my other friend I told about my problems.

    The day I told him was the week before my AP tests started and the week before amendment one was voted on. That weekend I was the most depressed I had ever been in my life. I sat around in my house for 3 days straight literally starring at the ceiling for the whole time not even eating. It was the first time I ever considered suicide. At the end of the third day I decided to try and forget about it and focus on my tests. I went to school the next couple days without any emotion in anything I did at all. It was like my frontal lobe had been removed. Then the day before my AP chem exam amendment one passed. The AP exam was the only one I failed. I got 5 out of 5 on my other 3 exams I got a 1 out of 5 on my AP chem exam. I was considering killing myself after the amendment passed I had never felt so alone before. My parents didn't even bother to go out and vote against it ( they are indifferent towards homosexuality: don't care because it doesn't affect them as far as they know). That weekend, who knows how I made it that long, I went to a friends house for a party. It was the first time I ever got high so I had no idea what I was doing I just did it. But I got so high and was so depressed that I just stopped caring and started drinking for the first time too. That's about all I remember from the party because I blacked out. The only other thing I remember is this horrible sliver of reality that I haven't been able to forget. I remember it like it was real but I haven't found any evidence it was. I have a vague memory of throwing up into a toilet and throwing up a bunch of sleeping pills. Easily enough to kill myself from an OD. I can still feel how they felt coming up through my throat. The next morning though I couldn't find a bottle of sleeping pills or the toilet I threw up in and no one remembers me throwing up. So I have no idea if it was a dream or if it was real the fact that I can imagine what it felt like scares me though. To think that I would even dream of attempting suicide let alone attempt it in reality.

    After that weekend I decided to completely re-adjust my life for my senior year. I cut off pretty much all ties with people. I completely shut out all my feelings towards guys. Forgot I had ever considered being gay and decided to live my life as an emotionless husk. While I was lonely and depressed because of it I found a slight comfort in being depressed because of something I could control, this false environment I had made. I was in much better emotional shape this last summer because of it. The depression started to lift, I started seeing friends again, and I wasn't constantly worrying.

    That leads up to where I am now. I just realized I've been typing for over half an hour and haven't even gotten to my current problem, sorry. When I started to get back into my life my original crush Andrew started wanting to hang out with me again out of the blue. I was really happy that I was going to be friends with him again after we hadn't talked for over a year. Then the chick-fil-a fiasco happened. I had finally started to build up a little seperation between me and gay issues. But the national chicken day or whatever slapped me in the face. I live by a chickfila and seeing hundreds of people wait in 4 hours for a sandwich while they cheered for the local anti-gay church group reopened my scars. Then school started back up and I ended up getting Andrew in three of my classes. Basically with it in the news semi recently and my biggest crush ever in most of my classes I have realized I can't keep pretending that I am not gay. It's just that while this is happening I am starting to feel depressed again and want to avoid going down that road again at all costs.

    Now I have a couple routes I have thought through to prevent this:
    1. just be open and live with it, 90% of my environment is full of hatred
    2. come out to my parents, I have no idea how they would react and they don't particularly like me because I have been unappriciative of them for the last few years and we fight all the time. I dont want to give them one more reason to hate me.
    3. this is the one I am the most excited about and most scared of. I mentioned that my first crush Andrew wanted to start hanging out with me out of the blue for no reason. Well he has started to act differently around me too. He started calling me gaymonn my name is really eamonn so its a play on words. He also has been starring at me in class, I caught him starring at me 3 times today alone and he always looks away quickly when I notice. He isn't normally the comical type but he has been making every attempt possible to make me laugh and me only not others. We don't really talk when we are alone just stand awkardley but when we are in a group we always just talk to each other and ignore what the rest of the group is doing. He is also on the football team and could get any girl in the school, he turns down any that flirt with him. I don't know if I am crazy but I think he might have a thing for me but I am to scared to find out. If he did I would finally have some sense of fitting in some where and with someone I have genuine feelings towards. But all I can think about is how I would feel if he reacted like my one friend I told last year who doesn't even talk to me anymore. Does it sound like he is interested or am I overanalyzing things?

    Any advice on depression in general would help and advice on accepting your sexuality would also be good because I just can't seem to do it and I feel that this is at the root of my depression. Sorry for the outragously long post I just realized I have been typing for over an hour. Like I said I have been up for 2 days unable to sleep so I apologize for spelling errors and lack of sentence variation. It may be bland to read but it is all I can do right now and I just needed to finally get all my pent up feeling down in righting after all these years. I thank anyone that reads this from the bottom of my heart because it is the most any one has done for me for as long as I remember.
     
    #1 Grendel, Sep 27, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2012
  2. Ozzy92

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    Hi there!

    Aww, I really do feel for you! And I know exactly how you feel. You could say I've experienced a bit of what you're going through right now.
    First of all, let me say ... even coming on to this forum and seek advise was very brave. It shows that you do want to "find" an answer.
    I'm not really good with words and I know it's easier said than done, but things will get better. I totally understand why you feel talking about your problems with your friends will not help. Sadly not everyone will have an optimistic response. However, that doesn't mean everyone will.
    Although we do not know each other, I'm more than happy to listen and try and give you advise. Even if I'm not really the best person for that kind of stuff.
    If it makes you feel better, I would like to say you're not alone! You have certainly come to the right place.
    You're making progress too! From what I read you assumed being gay was wrong because of what your teacher told you. Now you know it's who you are, and you're looking for that friend to share your problems with.
    I bet you're a fantastic individual, and even though you have your tough times and "life brings you down", I hope it's comforting for you to know that whenever you feel this way, I will be here to listen/read.
    Although you need it now ... It's 4 in the morning over here and I am probably making no sense, or even helped you at all! :/

    ^___^

    ---------- Post added 27th Sep 2012 at 07:38 PM ----------

    Oh and I'd like to add, what you're feeling is totally natural. Being gay might be why you're feeling the way you are now. I'm not sure how much this will help you, but it isn't a curse or anything. You didn't choose to be gay, you were born that way! You're unique and special in your own way. It's a shame not everyone in your life was supporting, but you will make friends who will be. From reading your post, I've got a gist of your life and what you've been through. Fortunately on this forum, you'll find people going through the exact same thing, and best of all, it's comforting. Comforting knowing you're actually not alone! ^.^
     
  3. Grendel

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    Thank you so much for responding, this is the first bit of genuine encouragement I have ever received! Just posting and being open to an online forum of people is making me feel better already. I found this sight a week ago and it took me until know to muster up the courage to make a thread. I'm glad I did I am starting to realize I am not so different from a lot of people. Thanks for caring.
     
  4. Ozzy92

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    I'm glad I helped you in that respect.
    And I agree with you there. It took me roughly a week to actually post a thread on here. But you've made the first step. And you know, it'll be great! You'll feel much better talking about your problems, whenever you feel things are getting a bit too much. It's okay to feel down from time to time. It happens. I'm glad you posted on here! You'll definitely receive a lot of encouragement and wise words from other members!

    ^__^

    ---------- Post added 27th Sep 2012 at 08:09 PM ----------

    Gah. I realised my whole response did not even post. My stupid phone!
    As it stands, if you don't know how your parents feel about gay people, try what I did, subtly bring it up. I knew on TV there would be a documentary on gay marriage in the evening and ensured my parents were watching it with me. That way, I could get them talking and gather their opinions. (They aren't positive ones)
    But it differs, your parents may be different. Also, they may seem homophobic through their opinions but who knows? If they find out their own son is gay, they may have a change of heart.
    As for the Andrew situation, I don't know what to tell you. I think if I were you, I'd still hang about with him. Get to know him more, and once you're more comfortable around him, maybe you could tell him then? Or you can even find out what his opinions are about gay people and you can go from there. :grin:
     
    #4 Ozzy92, Sep 27, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2012
  5. Grendel

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    That is to bad to hear that your parents do not have positive opinions on gay culture. I like your idea to expose them to some thing to bring up the topic without bringing it up yourself. Now I just have to find an excuse to get them to sit down and actually watch something with me =P
     
  6. Ozzy92

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    It doesn't bother me too much. A year down the line I told my Mum. She was fine with it, but she told me not to tell my dad.
    So until this day, I haven't.
    But I am not too upset about it. Honestly, I hardly even talk about my sexuality even to close friends. My close friends know I'm gay but I dislike talking about it. I tend to avoid the topic completely.
    But this thread is about you ... perhaps if your parents watch TV together you could say "I've got an assignment to do on ____" and find a documentary online or something. I actually went out my way and checked the TV guide and got lucky. I know it is long-winded but it was the only way at the time I knew would work to get my parents' opinion on homosexuality without bringing it up myself and raising any suspicion. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  7. Lance

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    I agree with everything Ozzy has said. Sorry I have no additional advice. :frowning2:
     
  8. Mogget

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    There are two essential and one optional components to recovery from depression: self-care, therapy, and (sometimes) medication.

    Self-care is maintaining basic things like proper diet, proper sleep, proper hygiene, exercise and not isolating. Self-care is one of the first things to go out the window when my depression relapses, and returning to it is essential. If I eat right, sleep right, am clean, exercise, and visit with friends I will feel better. If I'm not up to doing all of that, if those things exceed my energy budget, I do what I can and try to reward myself for doing my best instead of beating myself up for not doing perfectly.

    Therapy is also important. My therapist is able to help me monitor my emotional state and self-care, to work through my emotions so that I can function, and teaches me healthy coping techniques for managing my depression. While therapy can be expensive, there are also support groups, and many therapists will adjust their rate based on income.

    Medication is not something everyone with depression needs, but it can be helpful. In general, I suggest asking a therapist if it's a good idea before setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist.
     
  9. Lad123

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    I read your block of text :slight_smile:

    I can relate a lot in your post. I remember growing up feeling so different to everyone else. The guys were always talking about girls or interested in football (which I hate x_x) so I found it difficult to fit in. I also withdrew myself from everyone, as you said "an emotionless husk" because I was so scared of being outed and it has probably damaged me in some way. I feel like I have lost something inside of me.

    I used to self-loath thinking that life would have been so much easier if I was straight. However last September I only just accepted myself for being gay. It was like an 'epiphany', I suddenly thought 'well its not going to change so I may aswell accept that I'm gay and live life happily'. I've come out to several people since then and I feel so much better now. I feel happy and its like the 'chains' are coming off bit by bit.

    Things do get better but only if you allow it. Once college begins, you will see that people are much more accepting of gays because they are more mature and open-minded compared to the immaturity of high school. So you could try coming out at college and maybe join an lgbt club?

    Your friend Andrew seems nice. He could be interested in you but there isn't much to go by. Try not to put your hopes up though because we can sometimes believe the signs are there when really it was just nothing. Although if he flirts then maybe flirt back and see how he responds ^^

    I like how you have used your nickname by what Andrew calls you :lol:

    Stick around EC, the people here are amazing and so supportive.

    Stay strong! (*hug*)
     
  10. Tails Luver

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    Hey, there! Well, first off, welcome to EC! :slight_smile: Second, I think you need a hug. (*hug*) Trust me, I know what you're going through. As far as accepting your sexuality goes, Ozzy92 pretty much said all that needs to be said. On the depression note, though, I can totally relate, too. I've had on and off depression for a couple months now, so I know what it feels like to want to turn to it. You don't want to, and yet you want to. Depression is a confusing thing, and the thoughts that come from it are even more confusing. I've wanted to cut myself and/or commit suicide more than enough times because of it ever since I came out to myself when I was fifteen.

    But you know what, things will get better. It may not seem like it now. Heck, it doesn't even seem like it will for me, but they will get better. You said earlier that you had the thought of suicide cross your mind before. It's good that you didn't act on it. :slight_smile: Don't act on any of those urges. I almost cut myself yesterday, but I was able to push back the urge. If you're able to push back those urges, too, then this will go away with time. Just think as many happy thoughts as much as you can. 'Kay? I hope this helped! :icon_bigg
     
  11. Grendel

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    I had no idea that nice people actually existed on the Internet let alone people that would read a post that long and be supportive. Thanks for the advice guys and Mogget I am wondering if there is any form of therapy preferably one that is free that my parents don't need to know about. I have tried handling things by myself and judging from your post I can tell I have not done a great job and think a therapy of some kind could help set me on the right track
     
    #11 Grendel, Sep 27, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2012
  12. Mogget

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    It depends on your situation. Some high schools provide free counseling, as do many colleges. At 17 you aren't old enough to end the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) support group meetings, but I would still recommend talking to your local NAMI chapter (if you're in the US, I don't know what the options are elsewhere). In many areas of the US calling 411 links to a mental services helpline that helps people to find therapists and other mental health resources
     
  13. Grendel

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    Great ill check if my high school has a program I'm not aware of and I have a few colleges in the area I can get to.
     
  14. AlexisAnne

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    Hi. First of all, I know all about the self loathing, bottling up, fear, and thoughts of suicide. When I was younger I didn't have any outlets for my feelings so I had to keep it to myself and, like you I tried to ignore it. It led to years and years of on and off depression. In fact, though its subsided, its still there.

    I intend to see someone about it and, in a situation like this my recommendation is always going to be; talk to a professional. If you ever need to talk though, my wall is always open. I'd love to provide any comfort and support I can.

    Good luck!
     
  15. Waterlilly

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    I recommend trying therapy or something for the depression. I realize that it is probably a direct result of having to deal with being gay in an unfriendly environment, but I would recommend starting to work on the depression separately. It can be really intimidating to jump in on the big issues right away. Once you have worked a little on the depression and maybe get medication or something, it will be easier to begin addressing being gay. I have only recently become emotionally stable enough to work on how I feel about being gay in a productive way.
    Whatever you do, just know that you are not alone. You might live in a hostile environment, but a supportive environment is just a click away. (&&&)
     
  16. Chip

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    Welcome, Gaymonn!

    You are totally in the right place. I'm really sorry you feel so alone, and can understand how disconnected that must make you feel.

    It's hard to say for sure, but it does sound like maybe Andrew is gay or at least questioning, and is sort of gently trying to "test the waters" with you. Maybe you should go hang out with him in a place where you can just talk, and slowly move the topic around, in a nonthreatening way, to sexual orientation. It is probably scary as heck, but you might just tell him, instead of saying you're gay, that you've found yourself questioning who you're attracted to a bit and wondering if he's ever felt anything like that. It's sort of a half-disclosure that might make him feel safe enough to start talking.

    As far as your state of mind: Humans are hardwired for love and belonging and we have a fierce need to feel "connected" to others, both friends and emotionally and physically intimate relationships. And shame is, essentially, a lack of that very necessary sense of love and belonging.

    Everyone has shame, and the less we talk about it, the more we have it. But LGBT people tend to have more than others, because, for example in your case, everything around you -- Prop 1, your friends, sends you the message that you don't belong. So that's a powerful message, and no wonder you aren't feeling the love and belonging that you deserve. And... to get away from the terrible feelings, we numb, and drugs and alcohol are one of the most common ways to numb. But they are terrible coping mechanisms with a lot of dangers, so it's important for your health and safety that you find healthier ways of coping.

    So talking about what you're feeling is a huge first step. Being able to share and feel loved and accepted, even if in an online community like this, is an important step in loving and accepting yourself. And finding friends who will accept and love you for who you are is important too, because "fitting in" rather than belonging only makes shame worse.

    So keep talking about what you're feeling here. I and any of the other advisors are available to talk with you one-on-one over PM or IM and help you better understand yourself and your feelings, and posting in the forums is a tremendous help also.

    And I think as you feel more comfortable coming out to a select few people, you'll find it gets easier, and then at some point you'll be more ready to come out to your parents.

    One other suggestion I'll make is that you spend about an hour and watch these three videos by Dr. Brené Brown. She is a brilliant researcher who studies shame, and how it gets in the way of living full, wholehearted lives. She is really funny, but her stories touch very deeply, and I think you will relate to a lot of what she has to say.

    [youtube]iCvmsMzlF7o[/youtube]
    [youtube]_UoMXF73j0c[/youtube]
    [youtube]psN1DORYYV0[/youtube]
     
  17. malachite

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    listen to Superman
     

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