I am an Orthodox Jewish woman. This means that I live in a community with very strict regulations in regards to pretty much everything, and extremely rigid gender roles and expectations and there is a lot of pressure on both men and women to get married. I have been very slowly coming to the realization that I am probably attracted to girls, though I have been trying very hard for several years to suppress it. The thing is, I'm not sure how to tell if I am lesbian, or bisexual, or if I'm just imagining all this altogether. It's difficult for me to explain this because sex is an extremely taboo topic, so my knowledge mostly comes from books and tv/movies. I am pretty sure that I'm attracted to other women, but there have also been times when I've found myself attracted to men, but it's not as often. I'm not sure if this is partly due to the fact that I have almost no male relationships, as any relationships between men and women in my culture are extremely frowned upon, so I just don't have a lot of exposure being around men. I'm not exactly turned off my the idea of having sex with a man, but when I imagine being physical with a woman, it seems more "right" to me. I've obviously never had any opportunity to experiment or explore these feelings, so I'm not sure how to go about determining exactly what my orientation is let alone what I want to do about it. I do not see any way that I could possibly remain as part of my community and be in a lesbian relationship. There seem to be two main attitudes towards LGBT people in my community. 1) There is no such thing as homosexuality, just people who chose immoral sex or 2) People who are born homosexual should be lifetime celibates and also keep quiet about their orientations. (The latter group typically think of themselves as quite liberal) Coming out would also probably mean losing my entire support system of family and friends. When my cousin (who's immediate family is not religious) came out, my parents couldn't stop talking about how upset they were. My sister lives in the same city as he does, and refuses to invite him over because she's grossed out by him and his partner. Her husband keeps talking about ways he wants to try to cure him. When my parents were sleeping in the same house as he and his partner were before a family wedding, they couldn't stop talking about how uncomfortable the situation made them. My father in particular makes blatantly homophobic comments all the time. My friends have similar attitudes and avoid most media portraying LGBT people in a positive light and seem in general grossed out by the entire concept. I don't think it has ever occurred to any of my family or friends that there is a possibility of anyone they know being gay. Although I am in my later twenties, due to circumstances beyond my control, I am not financially independent. I live with my parents now while I'm in graduate school which will hopefully make me more employable. It will probably be about two and a half years before I graduate. I don't think that my parents would kick me out of the house, but I'm sure I'd be miserable here if I came out now. My mom has really been pressuring me to take steps toward getting married, but I obviously don't want to do that if I might be lesbian, and I don't know how to explain why I've been so resistant to going on dates. My religion and community are a huge part of my identity, which influences nearly ever aspect of my life from clothes to food to my daily schedule. If I do decide that I am a Lesbian, I don't know if I could reconcile it with my community's belief system, because I would never be legitimized by them. But on the other hand, I have no idea how I could ever separate myself from an identity I've had my entire life. I know that this was a lot to read, but I feel so scared and alone right now. I don't have anyone in my life who I feel comfortable confiding in, and I don't know anyone who would even begin to understand what I'm feeling. I also have no idea what my next step should be. I've been lurking on this forum for a few weeks, and it seems like a very supportive place, so thanks in advance for any advice or support you may have to offer.
I cannot advise you on how to work with your family, as Orthodox Jews they will have a great deal of difficulty resolving halacha with your homo- or bisexuality, especially if you choose to act upon it. I should note for other ECers who may be thinking of commenting that for Orthodox Jews it's not just that Leviticus forbids homosexuality, it's that the rabbinic tradition, the centuries of commentary on the Torah (the first five books of the Bible) condemns it, and in rabbinic Judaism, the rabbis' commentary is the lens through which the Torah is viewed. However, with respect to being a Jew, both Conservative and Reform Judaism are accepting of people who choose to act upon their homosexuality. I would recommend finding a rabbi from one of those traditions and talking with him or her. I know the rabbi of the Reform congregation where I live is very accepting of the LGBT community. If you like, I can ask him about Jewish organizations that you could contact.
I agree with Mogget. I realize that exploring other forms of Judaism is probably not what you want, but it may be helpful to speak to a conservative/reform/reconstructionist rabbi who is supportive of LGBT people. As rabbis they will be well versed in talmud and they may be able to talk to you about how to reconcile the two. I wouldn't recommend coming out to your parents just yet, unless you really feel that you can't live with holding this back. Its something you can't take back, and in your situation I wouldn't recommend it if there is another option.
Thanks for your advice, Waterlilly and Mogget. I did some research on LGBT friendly synagogues in my area and there's one that's sort of in driving distance, so I could probably meet with someone there at some point. But I think that before I explore how I can reconcile my orientation with my religion, I might want to figure that part out first. I'm thinking of signing up for counseling at my university to explore that. I'm definitely not planning on coming out to my family just yet.
