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so I think I'm ready, but I'm not sure

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Tom not Tim, Sep 28, 2012.

  1. Tom not Tim

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey, so I've always known that I'm attracted to guys, even though I always tried to find some "rational" explanation to my feelings to ease my conscience. The feeling of the stubble of the first guy I kissed pretty much made me realise that I am def into men.

    But coming out hasn't been easy for me. I suppose I'm lucky I live in South Africa and I can marry any person I want to regardless of their sex; but I then semi-conservative upbringing and elitist only-boys highschooling made it harder for me to realise or accept my feelings.

    All that aside, I've never really been into the gay scene, neither would anyone think I'm gay, unless they had a really good gaydar. I'm the type of guy who acts and comes across as 100% straight, but the truth is my attraction is with the guys. I'm big into sports and the outdoors, not say gay people can't be that way. I didn't strive to be 'macho' or 'jock', or 'unstereotypically gay', it's just how I am.

    I want to come out because it's just better and I'm sure I don't need to explain any further. Generally I don't care what people think of me. I'm the kind of person who goes and does fearlessly without a thought of being embarrassed. Bt I can't stop thinking that once I tell my friends, some who've known for a longtime, they'll feel like I've lied about who I am. It worries me especially, because I'm the type of person who takes honesty very seriously. And during my struggles of identity, I never shared it with them, so (I'm assuming) they have no clue and it would come to be a big surprise/shock for them. I'm assuming some people may take a while to adjust, but I fear I may bever have some of their trust again. I sonno, is this a legit fear for someone who thinks they're ready to come out?

    :bang:
    It's even worse for me because all of a sudden I've developed a crush on my one really good friend, and (I'm assuming) he has no idea. And due to the nature of our friendship, a typical 'straight-comfortable-with-their-sexuality-boy' friendship, I'm actually struggling to be around him. And I have to tell him, but I fear I'll lose a good friendship. And I may have a lot friends, the people I consider my good/proper friends are fewer and he's definitely one of them.

    Can I get any advice on my two issues?:help:

    ---------- Post added 28th Sep 2012 at 11:59 PM ----------

    Also, something I forgot to say is another reason it took me so long to even think of telling people is that I'm still attracted girls, but not to the extent as I am to boys. I didn't want to come out as something I'm not, and then go ahead and confuse/lie to my friends all over again. I'm still not surewhere I fit in the spectrum, but I think on the gay side.
     
  2. Cloudbreaker

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    I was kind of worried that my two closest friends might be upset that I had kept my orientation a secret from them at one point. But in the end, it is less that you are keeping a secret from them and more so that you just weren't ready to share share that fact about yourself yet. And they should understand (especially if you tell them) that revealing that you are gay can be a huge hurdle for anyone to overcome. If you explain that you don't want to keep secrets from them, they'll probably understand and respect that. Besides, there are probably things that your friends have never told you, too. Everyone has their secrets.

    As for potentially coming out as something you're not, I wouldn't worry about it. You can just tell them you aren't completely sure you are 100% gay, but are pretty close. Or else you could come out as gay, and if it turns out you are bisexual or something, then just admit that you were mistaken. Simple as that.
     
  3. TrueBlue8228

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    Hey man. I was exactly in your shoes earlier this year. I kept beating myself up on the fact that I felt like I was lying to my friends all the time. And just like you, my biggest fear was how my friends would react or would hate me that I kept it from them for so long. Until one night, and thanks to some liquid courage, I told my friend and it was the biggest relief of my life. And it also trickled down to were a lot of my friends now know and don't care and everything is just as normal as it was prior to telling them.
    Try first with our closest friend and then you'll notice as things get more comfortable, going further will be less stressful and easier!

    Good Luck!


    TB
     
  4. pitabread514

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    Not out at all
    Most important thing in my opinion is coming out to yourself, admitting and accepting who you are, finding someone to be with, the rest (I assume) is details.

    I don't tell anyone about my private life. So I am still in the closet, but it has been a great relief since I came out to myself, began meeting other people, and making new friendships.

    ^ That was step one for me, thought I'd share -:slight_smile:
     
  5. Tom not Tim

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    Hi again, thanks for your responses. They've definitely made me feel a lot better, definitely I feel less like I've done something wrong. I think I'll go by telling people one-by-one. It's weird, I'm normally so courageous and will do anything, but this seems so big for me
     
  6. sidisaak

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    About your crush...

    I read this advice on another thread and I think it is the best advice I have ever heard with regards to comeing out to a crush. Do it in two phases. First tell him that you are gay and give him some time to get over that. This can be a shock to people and telling a good friend, "Hey I'm gay and I want you," can ruin a friendship. I've done both, the two phased approach and the lump sum approach, and the two phased approach is deffinetly better.

    However, it has happened to me that the person I came out to promptly asked, "Do you have a crush on me?" I said, "Yes." In that situation it was not the right thing to say. He asked it out of fear and, while we remained friends, we were never again as close as we once were. I believe that the best answer in that situation would be to dodge the question. The answer to that question is irrelevant unless your crush is also gay. Giving him time to come to terms with you being gay also gives him the opportunity to figure out how he feels about himself.

    You don't have to answer any question posed to you. When you realize that, you become free to be honest. Never lie. Ever. Lies always come back to bite you in the butt.
     
  7. Tom not Tim

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    Hey, so I've told a few of my friends with the most positive of results :slight_smile: it wasn't easy at first but I managed with them so far. There is one person I dread telling.......the crush....... I donno what to do, it seems more evident now that I do have a crush on him, and everything he does indeed is perfect, in my eyes at least. I donno how to tell him, and yes as @Sidisaak said, I'm really scared he'll ask if I like him. I don't think I've ever lied to him. I'm not saying I want to, but all he needs to do is ask, and my quiet face will tell him everything (yes, I've been told my facial expressions are that good). I feel it coming, I get a lot of attention whenever I arrive where he is. I'm lost on this one
     
  8. Lad123

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    Congratulations on coming out :slight_smile:

    What makes you think he will ask you if you have a crush on him? Did the friends that you came out to ask you that? If not then its safe to say that he won't either ^^
     
  9. Tom not Tim

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    Thanks:slight_smile: well some did ask me, and I said yes. I didn't want to let too much information off about that. But naturally he's getting left out now