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I don't get him

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by heyou, Sep 28, 2012.

  1. heyou

    heyou Guest

    I've had a crush on this boy ("straight") since the start of the year. Today he told me twice that he thought I was gay (in a bit jokingly but pretty serious tone - it scared me a bit). I just jokingly said "I must be gay, then" and the subject changed.

    There was this party months back (I already had a crush on him). I got drunk (for the first time, shame on me, I'm not proud of that) and I remember telling him he was "awesome" (not in a sexual way at all) and putting my arms around him (in a friendly way, all my friends do that all the time). I also made out with a girl in that party (it was very awkward). Part of the party was completely blacked out.

    Today he told me I kinda scared him off that day because I was saying he was "amazing", "beautiful" and "hot" and I hit on him several times. It all makes sense so far because the following days after the party even though he would still talk to me he was very awkward and seemed a bit frightened and distant. He also seemed very curious to know why I said he was "awesome" and hugged him and to know if I actually wanted to make out with that girl or if I really was just pushed by friends.

    Now it gets confusing. Weeks later (after the party) he started being overly flirty to me, we'd hug, we'd cuddle, he'd hold my hand and he held the cutest eye contact with me for what seems like forever. He came out to some girls in the classroom but took it back days later saying it was only a joke once people were going nuts. There was definitely something there and this went on forever... until I kinda got tired of these signals leading to nowhere because either of us wouldn't come out and I believe that so did he so it all kinda backed off and chilled for a month.

    I was almost over him but he's been bringing the topic up and it gets me confused. Because at the same time he's telling me that he thinks I'm gay and that's why he backed off, he's telling me that every signal (mixed or not) he sent happened while he considered that I was gay.
     
  2. Lance

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    What makes you not want to come out to him? He seems to be pretty set on believing that you are gay and doesn't seem to be bothered by it much as of late. Also regarding the hand holding and cuddling, that is very strange behavior for a straight guy. It sounds like he's a bit confused about his own sexuality. If you came out, it would most likely "get the ball rolling." :wink:
     
  3. Gen

    Gen
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    I agree with Lance.

    Even if you arent comfortable with coming out to him at the moment, I would at least talk to him personally. Ask him about him supposedly coming out to those girls. Let him know that it wouldnt make you think less of him, and you were there to talk if he needed too.

    I mean he is already set on the fact that you must be gay, so its not like you can lose anything by asking a few questions. lol
     
  4. heyou

    heyou Guest

    Thank you both for replying. (sorry for spelling mistakes, I'm on my phone). I am not comfortable with the idea of coming out to friends (or him) yet, but I do agree that I should definitely talk to him. But does it really have to be personally? It will take few days so I can meet him agin in class and even so I hardly ever get time alone with him. Plus it's easier for me to express myself and bring the topic up on fb chat or text and the conversation would flow better... I think. What do you think?
     
  5. Lance

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    Personally I'm not a fan of communicating feelings or personal matters through an electronic device. Things can be taken the wrong way and the words don't have as much meaning just being read through text. Not that you would be having a deep conversation or anything at this point. Also I feel it's a lot easier to lie/deny stuff through text. But if that is what you are comfortable with doing, then by all means I say go ahead so at least something can be getting done in order to move forward.
     
  6. Gen

    Gen
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    Yeah, personally is usually better because it allows you to see the persons actually repsonses, but if you think it will go over better over text, then by all means.

    Also, if you dont really talk to each other outside of class, maybe you could make subtle efforts to try and see how he reaches.
     
  7. sidisaak

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    Lance and Gen have some solid advice. I totally agree with doing it personally. I said and did a lot of the same things that your friend is doing over the years when I had a crush on a boy. I wasn't out yet at that point and I really just wanted to get a feel for the guy. It really sounds like that is what he is doing.

    It also sounds like he is scared of coming out to you. He starts the conversation to give you the oportunity to out yourself but when you don't go for it he backs off. I have come out to friends by text and it never goes as I had hoped it would. They usually end up being confused by the whole thing, especially because I can't see their current mood. A text is intrusive into a person's life. Regardless of what is happening in the their life at that moment they get the text. On top of that, it takes me a long time to work up enough courage to say what I want to say and I end up puking it all out. It is jarring to them.

    Do something with him. Go for coffee. Go for a walk. Offer to do some work together. Make an excuse to be alone. Then talk. Just talk about anything. If he really is into you like you suspect then chances are the topic will come up again, but this time, make the most of every oportunity. Go slow. Be honest. Be yourself.
     
  8. Colours

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    Not trying to get your hopes up, but it seems to me that he might like you. I don't know what exactly happened at the party, but it seems to be that it opened his eyes, that it made him realize that you might be into him, and that he might be into you as well.
    Which could explain why at first he was distant, and later does things like hugging you, and telling people he's gay (and then later taking it back). He's probably confused and you should give it time (trust me, rushing things will not be a good thing in the long run in this situation, I know from experience and let's just say it got me hurt).

    You say you are rarely with just the two of you - if that's the case, try to get some time alone, go hang out with just the two of you. See how he acts. And how it feels for you.

    What you could do is, after he takes your hand or hugs you or whatever, tell him there's something you think he should know - that you're bisexual. And leave it at that really... so he has some time to think of it and what possibilities it brings. But don't assume anything, give it time, and be honest.
     
  9. TwoMethod

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    OMG, heyou! This is at least your fourth thread on this guy since August! We have no problem discussing this guy with you, but at some point you need to kick yourself up the ass and get some courage to come out to this guy.

    There's no other way for God's sake! You can analyse and over-analyse and post thread after thread, but unless you've actually made progress in talking to the guy about it, there really isn't much to say.

    Come on! I was excited to hear what was going to happen in August when you were supposed to come out to him, and I'll be bloomin' waiting for you to do it now.