Way to Meet Other Closet Cases?

First you are not a waste.

Second if you would like to meet other gay/lesbian/tran/bi people, you will have to get out a little. Try going to the local LGBT meetings or if you are in school you could see a counsler at the LGBT office. The people running these organizations will not out you, they understand most of the time.

Third why is coming out not an option for you, after some though you may change your mid about that. I don't however want to presure you into telling people who may hurt or chastize you. Take it slowly and read peoples reactions toward LGBT people.

 

I'm confused. Care to elaborate on your reasoning behind this one?

 

I feel ya. I have only met one other person at school who revealed he was gay after I opened up to him in a rather casual conversation and it led to nothing really, other than that it is extremely challenging to meet guys this way.

I tried the Gay Straight Alliance at my school and it just didn't seem like a fit, nothing against it though.

I also feel like my best years are passing me by but when you are not completely out, and even if you are it's tough out there. I suppose my advice is to approach guys as a friend first and this will eventually lead to more if the guy is also interested. Either that or go online to find hook ups but I certainly don't recommend this and haven't done it myself.

You are not alone in feeling the way you do. I wish you the best of luck.

 

Meeting other closeted people while you are also in the closet is extremely difficult since both people will be hiding from each other as much as they can.

You best bet would be online dating sites or support groups, but even then you are going to be able to take a risk and come out a bit since you will be meeting people that will know about you.

If you are truly not ready to come out at all, then EC can be a great resource. I know it doesn't beat talking to someone in person, but there are TONS of members on here who are either in your position or have been in your position. Feel free to talk to people here and use this resource until you feel you are able to go to support groups or something similar.

And you are far from being a waste (*hug*)

 

I'm still in the closet so huddle up..listen.

You will get the advice here of.."seek out a local LGBT group" or whatever..and while that is a good idea..that may include 4 people...but does that really represent your reality? Nah...not really. You are sitting there..struggling with what is going on..and it sucks..I mean sucks big fucking time sucks.

I've been there..so I know...I know how lonely it can get..and, quite frankly, how frustrating it can be...and , how you can get to that low, worthless point. But..you really are not...it's just part of the motions. I went through that whole period of feeling sorry for myself and self blame...had a hell of a time of it (but that's a whole other story)...but hey, here I am...still here.

But to directly answer your question of how to meet other closet cases...well..I continued to go out in the closest big city from me (which was Atlanta)..and met a ton. Not saying that it works for everyone..but it did for me.

Some people do the whole ****** or whatever...I'm just not into all that...I think shit like that is creepy..but call me old fashioned I guess.

But, I know how the whole closet life can be..it sucks..and it wears on you.

But, in the end, it does make thick skin even thicker.

Good luck.

 

I have a few things to say...

Coming out isn't about shoving it in people's faces -- I think you might have a bad impression of coming out. It's a tool to allow you to be true to yourself and others, and to become closer to those you love. It's sharing a part of you with people you care about. It has nothing to do with whether or not you are "camp". There are a lot of guys who are very, very masculine that are completely out, and one of their straight friends have any problem. With that being said, you don't have to come out. But you may find that you avoid social situations, and avoid making new friends in general as you try harder and harder to hide your secret (at least now it's a secret).

Anyways, to answer your main question.... There aren't very effective ways at meeting other closeted guys. There isn't some secret meeting place or club you can go to. People in the closet, who want to remain in the closet, will try anything they do to hide their true sexuality from everyone they don't want knowing about it, including you. So as you can imagine, it's going to be very hard for you to meet someone in person that is also closeted, that you know is closeted.

I think the best option for you, right now, is to find someone online to relate to. The reason I say "online" is because you clearly have no desire to come out of the closet or be outed. There are a lot of people in your same situation that use this forum. Maybe you can reach out to them and offer each other mutual support.

Lastly, you mentioned that you also want to meet other people without "giving a fuck about your friends". The way you meet people without caring about what others think... is to actually not care about what they think! I know, it sounds stupid, it's easier said than done. The best way to meet people is to learn how to enjoy your own company, and to show people that you are comfortable and true to yourself. When you learn to be comfortable with yourself, you tend to not care what other people think of you anyways.

hope this helps.

 

im having a similar problem. i really wanna meet some other bi/lesbian girls, but no one really knows about me. im not trying to hide it;if someone asks or it comes up, i tell them. but still moat people dont know. advice?

 

I am 22, and I am in the closet. What you described as getting along well with guys...liking typical guy things, etc, I would say I am the same way, so I get why you feel like you don't want to come out. I told 2 really close friends and that's it. You said you have a very close friend - my best advice to you is to start by just telling him. It's scary, you worry what hes going to think, all that crap, but I am telling you that you will feel 100X better once you have a close friend you can talk to. You said he's moving - just do it dude. Tell him. I went back and forth for 2 years on if I should tell my friend or not, I am so happy I finally did. I have someone that I can be myself around and talk to freely without giving a shit. It's the best thing you can do.

You started by coming here, and this is a good place to talk and meet people like you. But aside from this, being in the closet sucks, and its going to be hard to meet people you can relate to where you live if you aren't out.

Also ditto most of what ezkill said. He's pretty much said most of what I would say.

 

That's the thing, they obviously don't mind being friends with a homosexual. They just don't know it yet.

If you tell them there is going to be a bit of shock at first, but you are going to be breaking a lot of stereotypes an wild ideas (that even you might have) and they are going to come to the conclusion that all of that was wrong, and that they still like you as a friend.

You might lose some people, but if you guys are as close as you describe, then most of them won't care and some might even have their own suspicions already, but they haven't said anything out of respect.

Stick around a bit, meet some people and read some coming out stories. Being authentic with yourself and others will always bring more good things than bad things. Its not easy, but the happiness that it can bring is completely limitless.

 

First, I think the "meeting a closet case" has been made pretty clear already, so I won't say much. You're basically just going to get hook-ups.

Like you, almost all of my close friends are guys (and straight). There were some things they said, probably like what you've heard, that made me wonder if I should ever tell them. After I told them, I even had to reassure them that they hadn't offended me in the past. But I think the "stay away" thing is just a cultural sort of banter between them. Hell, there was even a guy (like your friend) that I really wondered about, but he ended up being one of the most sensitive and understanding of my inner circle! People can surprise you! Especially when you're highly paranoid because you're in the closet. You're exactly right about the lies and deception: being closeted means always being alert, never fully relaxed, high-strung, constantly thinking in deceptive/manipulative terms. As soon as you start coming out, this mindset starts to break apart piece by piece. That's likely reason enough (apart from finding a guy) to come out!!!

Right before I started coming out, I was getting closer and closer to the withdrawal situation you're describing. I knew that's where I was heading, and it shook me. You still might need more time to wait (I did), but the whole thing is caused by not being out. If you want it to end, something needs to change. So, you might need to move somewhere, or come out, or something. Your best friend is likely a good candidate. I know exactly how you feel about telling him, because that's basically how I felt about telling some of my friends. And hey, if you trust him enough, all you'll need to do is ask him to keep it confidential. Even if you tell just a few people, it makes a HUGE difference and already starts to shatter the closet mentality. It's a wonderful thing, if you can find a way to do it!

As for the lying bit, almost everyone will understand. The thing about being in the closet is that being gay seems about a thousand times more of a bigger deal than it does to anyone else out there. Most of our attention at that point, conscious or unconscious, is on our secret inner life (especially when most people don't even suspect us and treat us as if we're straight)!

Hope this has helped somehow. Glad you're here, anyway!

 

Well, I'm not fully out myself, either. But still, I know I won't be able to relate to you entirely either. All I can say is, I'm definitely not saying it's easy! It's really hard, actually! A lot of this stuff that you're describing was exactly how it was/is for me. BUT, if you go about it the right way, it starts to get easier. But yeah, I guess the main thing is to find other people to talk to. And it's your lucky day! This *is* one of the "closet sites"!

But yeah, just for the record, I did a lot of that stuff with my straight friends, and after waiting a while, still do! The one guy I told you about, who I wasn't sure how he'd react, ended up sharing a bed with me on several occasions after the fact. And I had a shower with two of my friends last weekend when we went on this trip. It wasn't really that sexual at all! We're friends. It's not that weird, for us anyway.

And yes, of course! Being out to anyone is going to be super weird and literally unthinkable because you've never done it yet. I remember basically feeling naked for the first time around the first people I told. It was really awkward too, sometimes, just for me. It feels like you're shedding your skin, to put it mildly. If I'm making it sound easy, I'm not trying to at all. There's a lot of change going on, and probably grief over your old identity/persona to boot!

And yet, it's definitely worth it, even if you can find just one person. But of course, even coming here is a great start!

 

To reply again, yes, I've texted people. I preferred doing it face-to-face, but there was also a point where the co-ordinating to meet up was getting complicated with some people. And even the face-to-face stalling was getting tiring. As it happens, I'm also stronger at written communication like you. (I remember with some of my friends, I'd make the special "appointment" to tell them, and then stall for at least 10 minutes. It was horrible!) With texting, it's harder to have the wonderful follow-up chat with the close friends, but that can also happen after you text about it.

And yes, I also find it to be pointless and somewhat depressing. Even though I'm flesh and blood like everyone else, and can understand how casual sex happens, I really want a meaningful connection to begin with. >_>

 

Really wish I could private message you, but apparently I can't send to "regular members" (for whatever reason?).

No, I knew what you meant about the straight people! I don't know very many gay people, and have only hung out with one a few times. I also get annoyed sometimes at how they talk about women, but I've been learning that straight guys don't always say what they really mean in that arena. It's a whole different game.

Anyway. It's a different world, yes. And I'll admit, when my straight guy friends were talking about the first time they ever noticed a girl the other day, I was obviously left out of the conversation. It struck me, and I was a little bit sad. I wish I could share that nostalgia with them! But part of it is easier, somehow, when they know. Before, they might have turned to me, and I'd have to throw out some non-response, where I would distance myself even further. At least now they're not putting any pressure on me in that way.

And the wheeling is a big part of bonding, but again, it changes once they know. It IS possible some might distance themselves from you. But I remember thinking the same thing, and it hasn't really happened. (I could just be lucky, maybe.) Of course, some things change, but it's mostly just making adjustments with the new piece of information. There are ways to make it work.

As for the girls thing: TOTALLY! I'd hate to be a gay man with mostly female friends. I need the "guy time" just as much as my straights!

The stalling can also happen with texting, but you're not doing it while they're sitting there. Either way, you're gonna feel like you're standing at the edge of a cliff. Even though you want to jump, you're also one second away from backing away and giving up. The odds are fifty-fifty that you'll say it or not. Once you do it, there's no turning back. But you somehow find the nerve, usually some split-second craziness, where you take the leap--and blurt it out.

 

Wow you sound a lot like me. I am 24 almost 25 and still in the closet and all of my friends are straight or at least say they're straight and there all males. I am your typical guy I grew up in a small community like you and have none of the typical stereo types. I even have had a hetero relationship and ended up actually enjoying her company quite a bit (including the sex) but now after reading here for a while I am actually thinking I have been lying to myself and that gay may infact be what I am instead of bisexual.

That fact doesn't really bother me, what bothers me is the losing my friends I have known all these guys for years and were all pretty close. If I told them, like you I would think that there was a certain degree of deception which would really me feel like a duche for keeping it from them so long.

I get where your coming from with the whole creepy a bit and in my case I have fallen in love with my best friend who I have had my suspicions about but don't know for sure. In reality he is probably straight and how creepy would that be for a straight guy to have his best friend have a crush on him. So I think for the time being I am going to bury this deep and try to move on. It really freaked me out a little when I developed this for him because before I had no attraction to him what so ever in fact we were so close the thought of it was gross. Now almost overnight I can't stop thinking about him and this whole thing just kind of freaked me out.

I will tell them eventually and I am sure they have me figured out already but it still scares me. I feel like I have some how let them down and have become increasingly depressed. Meeting people really is problematic and I am at the same point you are basically a hermit. I actually work with a couple gay people but really don't feel like I can relate to them for some reason. I feel not only distanced from everyone I know but not really a part of the whole LGBT community although this site has helped me tremendously even if I have basically done just a bunch of reading.