I'm writing this because I needed to have some unbiased feedback. My boyfriend and I broke up recently and it's my fault. I say my fault because at the heart of it it definitely is, but of course there is much more to it. The day before we officially broke up I had ended up at a friend's place and had literally just learned maybe a couple of hours ago that he was also bi. Now I've hung out with him before and had always thought that he was straight and felt that even though I now knew he wasn't it shouldn't be a problem. However what ends up happening is that he asks if we can jerk off together. I tell him no because I didn't want to cheat on my bf and said that if i asked my bf first and he was okay with it I'd do it. So I text my bf super awkwardly and he basically says go ahead. Now it's only after I've done it with my friend and leave that I realize that even though he said go ahead he definitely didn't want me to do it. So I call him as soon as I'm on the street and he's telling me that it was a test and that we're done. I'm trying to convince him that what I did was just a lapse in judgement and that he should give me a second chance because at no other point have I ever given him a reason to doubt me, but it seems like he's pretty much made up his mind. I'm trying to convince him not to hang up and he promises that he'll call the next day which was the best I felt that I could hope for. The next day he does keep his promise and calls me and we have a nice and calm conversation, for myself I had no idea whether or not it was right for us to break up or to try and fix things. I decide to just take it off of what he wants since he was the person that was hurt from what I did and so we officially end things. What I've been killing myself over everything that happened is: Is it really my fault we broke up? I feel like yes at the root of it it is, but at the same time he gave me his permission. This was my first relationship and so I've always thought being honest with your partner was the way to go which is why I asked him. I'm honestly not sure what I'm trying to achieve by putting this all out there but I feel like a part of me wants someone to yell at me and tell me it's completely my fault. My friends have all been really supportive of what happened, but so far the only person that has truly been angry with me and gave me a piece of his mind was one of his best friends. Thank you to everyone who read this and for any thoughts you may have on the situation that happened between us.
I don't know, I can kind of see both of your guys' point of view. I can see it being his fault since he did in fact say go ahead and do it, even though he viewed it as test of your judgement, but I can also see it being your fault since you actually followed through with it and did it. The way I see it, the blame is pretty equal here though. If he actually didn't want you to do it, he should have blatantly said so and not made it into a "game" since you actually did think about the consequences first and consulted him on whether it would be alright. Overall I would probably say it's his fault I think.
Well... you won't want to hear this, but in this case, I think it's mostly your fault. For most people, integrity and faithfulness is above all else in a relationship. So even asking to do something sexual with someone else, particularly in the moment and without prior discussion, is way over the line. I have to assume that you really wanted to do it, whether you're willing to own that or not. Otherwise, you wouldn't have asked your boyfriend if it was OK, and you would probably have had the common sense to figure out that isn't something you just randomly text out of the blue and do. But on the other hand... you also did ask him, and he did give you permission, so it's a little shady on his side to say "Yes, it's OK" and then later tell you "It was a test and you failed." So what that says is that, fundamentally, there was shitty communication between the two of you. I think you could reasonably have figured out that he would likely be uncomfortable with it before you asked, and he could have been honest and said he was uncomfortable. But... the entire situation would never have happened if you simply said to your friend, "No, I'm in a committed relationship and that's not an option." The people I know who are in committed monogamous relationships generally wouldn't even stick around in such a situation because it would make them uncomfortable. I don't think it's worth trying to fix it. You made a mistake... he already had a reason to distrust you, either because you gave him reason, or because he's inherently insecure and incapable of trusting, so even if you went back together, it's unlikely it would last, since now he has even more reason to distrust you. For the future... don't think with your dick. Think with your brain.
I have to agree with Chip on this one. I also think this pretty much shows that your relationship wasn't that good to start with and it's probably for the best that you guys broke up. If you're in a happy, good relationship, you wouldn't even have the desire to do something like this with someone else. Everyone can be tempted, but I don't think people in a healthy relationship would really wanna act on it. The fact that you did says something. Plus, like Chip said, he already had some trust issues for whatever reason as well because he felt like he had to test you. So overall it just seems like this was far from a perfect relationship to begin with.
I agree with Chip and Justinf. What he did could be questionable, but he did it because you allowed the situation to occurr in the first place. If you was in a happy and commited relationship, you would've instantly rejected the other bloke. Your actions, no offense, are undeniably wrong from the moment you even considered sending that text. His actions are somewhat questionable, but he's put in a questionable situation..
It's possible to have a healthy relationship which is sexually open, and there's nothing wrong with that. But you need to absolutely know where the boundaries lie. Good communication and transparency are important, and as far as I'm concerned, you both failed at that, him moreso. You did the right thing by asking permission, but over text isn't ideal, and it sounds like you knew at some level that he didn't want it to happen. Perhaps it's not important to be dealing out fault here, and more important that you see what you can take with this to future relationships. It might be good for these future relationships (or with this guy) to discuss where the boundaries of your relationship lie. Some couples will rule out porn, while others will both allow the other partner to get sexually and emotionally involved with other people. The standard is full monogamy, and it's good to discuss whether this is your standard when you enter a relationship. It's all about communication.
I think Ben nailed it. Communication is key in this sort of situation and the way you went about it was probably not the best at all. There is nothing wrong with having an open relationship if that is what you want, but you do have to talk about it with your partner before anything happens, and even before you start asking permission to do certain stuff. At this point, learn from what happened and move on. Shit happens and that's fine
Thanks everyone you're all right. I just feel terrible that I hurt someone that I cared about and not to use it as an excuse part of the reason I asked him beforehand was because he had made comments in the past that made me believe that if I was open about it he'd be okay with it. He had actually asked if I wanted to do an open relationship which I turned down since it being my first relationship I didn't want to do something like that. I'd also told him that I'd only ever fooled around a little with one other guy before him and that since I was bi if I ever wanted to do something with a girl he said he'd let me, although not sure how much of that was a joke since he also added that he'd be free to sleep with five guys. Maybe I was just scared and not ready to commit to a relationship having just really started exploring my sexuality. Either way what's done is done, so I will do as you all say and learn from my mistake and move one.
