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How to deal with pressure to come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Spirit, Sep 30, 2012.

  1. Spirit

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    So a two or three weeks ago I came out to my Mom, after many weeks of postponing and her basically telling me that she knew something was up. She's been okay with it, and hasn't had any freakouts or anything like that. She has offered to take me to a psychologist that her psychologist reccommended, but my schedual has been rather up in the air lately, so I haven't been able to go yet.But she's done two things that have really been bothering me.

    1. A few nights ago when we were talking about how I was doing, she went off on a tangent about 'girl crushes'. :dry:Implying that she was wondering if it was just one of those. (But not saying it in those exact words.)

    2. She keeps asking me about when I'm going to come out to my Dad. I've told her that I want to take this whole process slowly, and I don't even feel like I was all the way ready to come out to her at the time when I did. My Mom has told me that she has talked with him about it, but I don't know exactly what has been said. She has also offered to tell him that I am gay, but I would feel kind of weird not doing it my self. Except that option sounds good because I feel really hesitatnt about telling him. :bang:I have different relationships with my Mom and Dad, I don't tend to talk about serious stuff/my deep feelings with my dad, but I do with my mom.

    What should I do?
     
  2. Vanille

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    Okay I'm not really great at advice but there is one thing that I learned while being here and doing research in other places. Don't ever come out when pressured. You shouldn't have to be forced to do this since coming out for a lot of people is a process that takes time. I think you should probably have another talk with your mom. I don't think she understands how taxing this situation can be on you. Let her know that she's pressuring you and it's making you feel uneasy. If you really want to be the one to tell your dad, you should let her know that too, but at your own pace. Also, this could be another way your mom is trying to deal with this, I heard sometimes parents go through stages when their child comes out to them. I have a link that might can help, I'll leave it at the bottom. Hope this was helpful in some way :slight_smile:

    Coming Out to Your Parents - Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Student Services
     
  3. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    I don't see any problem with having your mom tell your dad. I'm sure he'll understand that you feel more comfortable talking to her about such things. But once it's done, I think you'll feel a pretty big load off your back.

    Your mom may be feeling uncomfortable because she's in the middle between two people she loves, and doesn't like holding things back from your dad, so that may be where the pressure is coming from.

    I think it would be sensible to have a talk with your mom and explain that you weren't really ready to come out when you did, and you'd appreciate it if she'd let you take your time.
     
  4. spectrumsigner

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    Don't rush!! Coming out is on your time, not anyone else's!
     
  5. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    Like Chip mentioned, talk to your mom about how everything is making you feel.

    Tell her the worries that you have, tell her how her pressuring you is making you uncomfortable, tell he what she can do to help you out, and also thank her for her support.

    I know its hard, but the moment you came out to your mom you also brought her into the closet with you. Its not a bad thing, but its important to understand that you mom is trying to deal with everything and doesn't really know what is the best thing to do. All she knows is that she loves you and wants to try and help. Give her clues on what she can do to help you :slight_smile:

    You might also want to find out if there is a PFLAG meeting that you mom might want to go to. That way she can deal with everything that is going on and other parents might be able to guide her on how to deal with everything.
     
  6. Spirit

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    I'm going to try talking to her about it later tonight. Thanks for all of the advice!