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I think I'm bi. And in trouble.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by DefinitelyMaybe, Sep 30, 2012.

  1. DefinitelyMaybe

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    Hi all,

    I don't really know where to begin so I'll try and blurt it all out in one go. And I'll apologize for my English on forehand, i'm not a native speaker.

    I don't normally share anything this intimate with anyone so this is pretty hard for me. I'm also not sure what I hope to get out of sharing my story but I just have to get it off my chest I guess.

    So my story is as follows... I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual, or at least curious.
    I'm in a relationship with a girl for almost 6 years now, but I have been attracted to other guys in the past, although not that many (4 that I can remember, I'm 32).
    I've never told anyone this and these crushes came and went. I never thought about it much and despite my occasional 'deviation' I'm still very much interested in girls.

    But now it happened to me again and this time it's much more intense than before. It's also a rather hopeless outlook as the guy that I have a crush on is in a relationship with a girl and he's got 2 young kids with her.
    Well I say crush but it's gone much farther than that. I'm sort of obsessed with him, I dream of him occasionally (I've had some really romantic dreams in which we cuddled and kissed, passionately), and generally I think of him all day long.
    To make matters worse, I work for the same company as he does and, technically, I'm his boss (it's a fairly small company and it's all rather informal).

    I'm not at all sure he's attracted to other guys (let alone myself) but he can be very effeminate (something I like!) and seemingly flirty at times, and since I've known him (a couple of years now) these feelings I have for him have been growing (he's in his mid-20's by the way). When we talk we smile a lot (even when there's really no reason to) and our hands and legs occasionally brush against each other when we're sitting at the same desk, creating this tension (at least with me). I also frequently catch him staring at me, after which he quickly looks away.
    Quite recently we've started playing a kind of two player turn-based game on our smartphones which has this chat function. Some days we've been chatting and playing until late at night. Mostly about superficial things, I mean, no deep subjects or anything, I don't think we know each other well enough for that, but he seems very interested.

    Then again, maybe it's all in my head and it's just wishful thinking on my part. He might be 100% straight and, for all I know, quite offended if he knew what I was feeling for him.

    But every time we talk, or when he sends me a message, my heart races. I feel like a teenager who's in love for the first time. It's all so intense and exciting, but at the same time it scares the cr*p out of me. And at times I hate myself for maybe making this whole thing up.

    I'm at a loss. He's got a girlfriend and kids. I've got a girlfriend (whom I also care a great deal for, just... differently). It's likely he doesn't have feelings for me at all. No matter what possible outcome I think of, I feel none of them could end well for the both of us... except for the outcome where I just ignore my feelings for however long he is going to be around me and never tell a soul about it.
    That makes me immensely sad.

    My girlfriend knows nothing of all this and I can't fathom ever telling her, even if I feel very guilty for keeping this secret from her.
    I would tell him, if only because I would prefer being rejected over this feeling of confusion and uncertainty, but I fear it could set in motion something that could destroy his life or mine.

    Anyway, thanks for listening.
     
  2. EC233

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    I would like to point out the fact that he is married and with family, which is the most important detail of your interactions. Even if he was interested it would not be appropriate, or moral for you to get involved with someone else's relationship. Enjoy a friendship that you have and don't push it to a place that could potentially destroy both of your lives... sometimes it is just not worth it. I hope that helps.
     
  3. DefinitelyMaybe

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    Well, not married, but I guess it comes down to the same thing. And I know you are right. I'm just confused. This is all new to me and it's a lot to deal with. I wish I could turn these feelings off with the flick of a switch.
     
  4. AlexisAnne

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    I can't tell you how many times I've wished I could just shut my feelings down. Sometimes it seems unfair that we're born with all of these emotions and feelings, and then it sometimes feels like life is doing everything it can to tear us apart with them. It presents us with unsolvable emotional situations and, in my imagination just sits back and laughs. :lol:

    First and foremost EC233 is right, and I'm glad that you see that. Right now, as the situation sits, it's unlikely that anything is going to happen between the two of you, and even trying to initiate anything would likely be disastrous for both of you.

    I'm out to most people now and, typically on the extremely rare occasion that I meet somebody I like enough to try and pursue a relationship, I'm pretty upfront about my orientation from the get go.

    Before I came out though, I had a couple of situations like yours and it was never easy. I know what you mean about the thought of being rejected being better than not even being able to say anything. I wish I could say there was a tried and true method for dealing with this, but all you can really do is trudge through the disappointment, and accept the situation for what it is; one of those things that just isn't meant to be.

    I do think that coming here was a good step though. I can totally understand not wanting to talk to your girlfriend about this, and I certainly can't fault you for that. Hopefully you can find some comfort here though.

    (Don't mind me by the way. I tend to get wordy. I know it. :slight_smile:

    Good luck!
     
  5. ggoodwill

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    I would risk it all and come through clean, ask him if he ever fancied being with a Guy, this opener always works for me
     
  6. DefinitelyMaybe

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    In my experience they are often not unsolvable but rather have a solution that we are not prepared to accept. In the past I have had my share of emotional dilemmas that required me to take a decision that pained me very much. And to be honest, looking back at those decisions now, I do not really regret them. I do however fear that my life has become less exciting because of them. I guess that is part of why the current situation affects me so intensely. I long for excitement in my life. Well, the good kind anyway.

    Please do be wordy. I appreciate all your advice.
     
    #6 DefinitelyMaybe, Sep 30, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2012
  7. speedracing22

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    I am 22 and bisexual. When I was 18 I had dated a girl for about a year, with sort of what you described. I found a few guys to be attractive, but I really loved her, and loved being with her. I saw myself being with just her and at that point didn't see myself being with a guy.

    Now that I am older, I am at a point in my life where I don't know what I want. I could see myself being with a guy, or a girl. Each to me offers something different. My attractions for both have definitely evolved as i've gotten older.

    I guess my question for you is you talked about being "immensely sad" if you ignore your feelings. What is it that makes you sad? Are you unhappy in any way with your gf? Is it having to hide your feelings? Is it that you feel differently about him than your gf? What's missing from what you have now, that makes you want to be with him?

    I would try and keep things with him on the friendship level for now. You don't know if hes gay/bi. He also has kids. You don't want to let yourself get too wrapped up in him, because you are going to feel very let down if things don't work out. You can become close friends with him, but don't go in expecting something that will let you down if you don't get it.
     
  8. DefinitelyMaybe

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    Those are all good questions. I guess what makes me sad, besides the general 'feeling blue' is that this is the first time that I'm really head over heels in love with another guy and I know it cannot possibly work out. I would so have wanted for this first new experience to be a good one.

    I'm not unhappy with my girlfriend per se. She's a wonderful, caring person, and I do love her a lot. Although perhaps I'm not strictly in love with her any more and I can't say we have a great sex life (not anymore at least).
    I do definitely feel differently about him than I do about her. It's not just sexual attraction. It's that wonderful feeling of genuinely being in love. I love his smile, his eyes, his sense of humor... ahh I don't know, everything about him. And, like I said in an earlier post, it's all completely new and exciting to me, which I guess is something that I missed in my life.

    And it can never be. So that's why it makes me sad.

    Like I mentioned, guys that I feel attracted towards are few and far between, and this is the most intense it's ever been. Now I'm not sure I'll get to that point ever again. Which sounds pretty dramatic, I know.

    I feel like a rambling fool.
     
  9. speedracing22

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    You have been with your girlfriend for 6 years. Do you see yourself being with her for another 6 years and being happy? Your friend aside, you should really think things over about yourself too. You don't want to end up in a position in the future where you might be unhappy. Think about what you like about this guy. What does this guy "have" that she doesn't (feeling wise)?

    I know you mentioned it's the "newness", his smile, etc. But do you think there might be other guys out there that have the same? Or maybe even another girl that gives you that same feeling?

    Back to your friend, if you guys become close friends, and you trust him, you could express your "uncertainty" / "curiosity" to him so you have someone to talk about it with. But I would not tell him you like him. If he's not gay there's a good chance it could ruin a friendship, and if he is gay, just remember that he does have kids...

    Just out of curiosity, has he ever expressed any dis-satisfaction in his relationship? Or are you guys not that close?
     
  10. DefinitelyMaybe

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    I'm not sure I can point out exactly what makes it so different. We met under entirely different circumstances. My girlfriend and I started our relationship very abruptly, we met at a party, hooked up and have been around each other every day since. I guess we never took the time to fall in love with each other, we just met and started a relationship. I really don't regret that, though.
    But with him, it's just the complete opposite. It wasn't love on first sight. At first I didn't really consider the possibility I could be romantically interested in him. But as time passed I found myself more and more attracted to him. And now I got to the point where I get freaking butterflies when I'm around him, and I feel restless and sad when I'm not. It's crazy, really.
    I'm not sure where I see myself in another 6 years to be honest. Maybe this is all just a phase, but it sure doesn't feel like that at the moment.
    And I must admit that writing about it feels kind of liberating.

    It's the other guys I'm not so sure about. Like I said, being attracted to one is a rare thing for me. But I could very well be wrong. Another girl? Possibly.
    My judgement might be impaired at the moment, though. I'm a really emotional person (although I tend to hide it as much as I can because it gets me into trouble).

    Well it's only recently that we started talking about things other than work related stuff. I tend to be shy and distance myself from things I have trouble coping with. But as my feelings grew stronger it became easier for me to approach him and talk about personal stuff.
    So we're not as close as I'd like. But then it would probably be wrong of me to be.