Okay so there's a little bit of a problem with my boyfriend. We've been dating three months, and I've known him for over a year. I know that when he was younger, he used to do a lotta shit. Smoke weed, drink, pop pills, and even do a few other drugs once or twice. But I also know that he doesn't really do much anymore. He still drinks. And once in a while, he'll pop some pills. Mostly triple c's. Now, he knows I'm straightedge and can't stand that shit. And I even told him I don't want him dong anything worse than drinking around me. Cuz I don't wanna deal with that shit. And I'm pretty sure he hasn't done anything in a while, around me or not. But today, he went to the grocery store with me, my roommate, and my friend. My friend and I were kinda walking together and talking; and then next thing I know, I find my roommate and my boyfriend in the pill isle. I didn't think anything of it at first. But when I asked what they were looking for, he said nothing. And when I walked away, I overheard "triple c's." Now I know what that stuff is, and I know how much it can mess you up. I really don't want him doing it, whether he's around me when he's doing it or not. I noticed neither of them bought any pills. But I know they were looking for some. And last night even, they were talking about pills... >_> so I'm kind of wondering if they just stole some. And it makes me more worried because after we came home, my roommate hasn't been around me much at all, and half the tim, my boyfriend hasn't been in the same room with me either. And the house is kinda quiet now, a little too quiet for this time of day. So I'm worried that they might have stole some pills from the store and taken them after we got home, when they weren't around me and my friend. What should I do? Should I confront my boyfriend about this situation, when I don't even have any proof or anything? I don't wanna accuse him of something if he didn't do anything. But even if he didn't, I don't wanna just let this go. Because I really, really hate drugs, and I don't wanna be involved with a pill popper, whether he does it only once in a while or all the time. So how do I tell him I don't want him doing anything like that at all, without just sounding like a crazy, controlling bitch?
Well first of all you're definitely devaluing yourself personally and your values here. It's not unreasonable to expect your partner to be sober, whether he's around you or not. Expecting that isn't being a "crazy, controlling bitch." It's alright to expect things from other people, within reason. I don't think you have anything to gain by confronting him about it now, especially when you have no concrete proof, other than your suspicions, although I do agree that something sounds really fishy here. In my opinion I think you would be better off if you held onto this for now, but stay alert, and confront him when your case is stronger. Because to me, it really doesn't sound like he's committed to sobriety, and it doesn't sound like he places much emphasis on your feelings about cavalier drug abuse. I've been interning under an intensive probation officer, who is also a licensed substance abuse counselor, for almost a year now. 95% of the people we deal with struggle with addiction. I don't want to generalize, but they're masters of manipulation and deceit and deflection, it's a part of the disease. I feel like if you confront him without proof, he's going to throw it back in your face and try to make you feel guilty for even bringing it up. If you want to confront him, by all means go ahead, but I think that's something you need to really prepare yourself for. And ultimately, I think you also have to think about your relationship in the very long term. If this isn't something you want to worry about and deal with for the rest of your life, then I think maybe you need to consider moving on. Because even after rehabilitation and a commitment to sobriety, it isn't uncommon for people to relapse into their old ways if they come across a trigger for it.
For me it would depend on my partner's attitude. If he were trying and failing to sober up, I would be sympathetic, but if he were insistent that there was no problem with abusing drugs and/or alcohol, that would be an issue that I'd call him our for.
There's an old saying: Addicts only lie when their lips are moving. And there's another, sadly very common, truism: Addicts attract codependents, people who will constantly try (and fail) to help them. An addict is always going to love his or her drug more than he loves you. And someone who has a history of use or abuse is an addict, even if they are in recovery and have remained sober for years. So the only way to have a healthy relationship with an addict is to be in a relationship with an addict who is actively in recovery, which generally means total sobriety. So I see two major problems: One is the lack of transparency, which pretty much goes without saying with anyone who has a history of substance abuse. The other is your own difficulty in setting and maintaining your own boundaries. One of the people I work with in the addiction field (a recovering addict with 23 years sober) says "There are normal people, and the rest of us." And goes on to say that normal people would not have an issue with someone saying "I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that does drugs, or alcohol, or whatever, ever." You aren't being controlling. You are setting a boundary that is important to you. Are there people who can drink occasionally with no problems, and never go into pills or other substances? Yes, quite a few of them. But your boyfriend is not one of them, apparently. So setting that boundary, which sounds like it is something important ot you, is something you can and should do. If he cares more about you than about the drugs, he will honor the boundary. If he cares more about the drugs than he does about you, he will bitch, holler, complain... or maybe agree and then lie (remember what I said above.) In any case, I hate to be pessimistic, but I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope for this relationship. It sounds like he's around others that share his habits and interests, and that's not a sign of someone trying to resolve their issues. So you can set your boundaries, but I think, honestly, that he will not honor them... and that is, honestly, probably better for you, because you deserve someone who will share your belief that being straightedge is the right choice.
