dont want to be gay

First and foremost, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Its just a part of who you are. I'm sorry for the difficulties you're facing and can relate to some of your fears, but death would not be better. Have you tried looking for a support group in your area. They can definitely help you reconcile how you're feeling.

In the meantime you've come to the right place. There are all kinds of warm people on this site.

As far as wishing you were "normal" and wanting to fit in, there's not a day that goes by that I haven't thought that in some form or another. Its gotten better over time as I've come to accept myself, but I definitely know what you mean.

I hope things get better for you.

 

First, (*hug*). I feel for you buddy.

I can definitely relate, though I think my situation was not as bad as yours.

You asked, "What's wrong with me?" but honestly there's nothing wrong with you at all. Considering who you're surrounded by, your feelings are perfectly natural. You're in a homophobic environment and inundated with gay-bashing messages, so it's hardly a surprise that you feel so bad about being lesbian.

But the problem is what they're saying and doing to you. You're perfectly okay being gay; that's not the problem. And it's wrong the way they're making you feel.

Please try to remember this: their attitudes against you being gay are THEIR problem, not YOURS. You're perfectly fine just the way you are.

There's a big world out there, and there's a lot of different sorts of people that have many different sorts of attitudes towards being gay. Unfortunately, the sorts you're surrounded with right now are making a toxic environment for you. I know it's hard or seemingly impossible to imagine beyond how your family is making you feel, but you're fine as a gay woman.

Have you thought about eventually moving away from these people and searching for a more gay-positive and gay-friendly community in which to live? If you can't right now, we'll try to help you out as best we can for the time being

 

Life is too short, to be anything, but happy. I've been in your shoes before and never did I think that things would get better. But they have become so much better and I'm so glad that I do not give up hope. I've always felt out of place and extremely awkward, but I make the best of it. You need to gain confidence and meet people who are also like yourself. You have to be positive, don't allow any negative thoughts to bombard your mind.

Please don't allow other peoples' opinions to affect you. I used to do the same thing until I started to learn not to care about what people thought of me. People are going to think what they want regardless, good or bad, so to live for someone else is not living. We tend to be our own worst enemies sometimes, so stop being so hard on yourself. We're all here for you, morning, noon and night

 

(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
hey there. . there's nothing wrong with you at all. i know how that kind of experience and feeling is like, & i understand. my family frequently asks why their 20 yr old son (me) doesn't have a girlfriend, and mention how they got married & started having kids at my age. it really is an futile expectation from them i see. But I'm kind of inclined to think that many straight people are actually under more pressure to be a certain way....as in... I think they're scared, especially as time progresses & lgbt/ect people are truly being validated. and most people don't know what to do or how to go about things when their belief system collapses. i think some are realizing that the objects of their hate is hitting close to home, forcing them to look in a self reflective mirror, and they may not like what & who they see.

If you're feeling as the person described in the first 3 verses of the lyrics in song "Working Class Hero" by John Lennon, (it's the best reference i could remember), you're not alone. Wanting to fit in w/ someone or some group to have a feeling of emotional connection is relatable for most everyone. Happiness/joy is worth having, sharing, and experiencing, not sacrificing people on the altar of outdated, primitive principles. But it must come from within you, rather than seeking it from someone else. Seeking & keeping it from someone else, i suspect would result in disappointment since people can turn out to be not what you expect, leave & in theory, 'take pieces of you with them', ect. Knowing that you can make your own happiness is self empowering & gives perspectives that you may not have known you could have. Learning to be happy with yourself is one of the biggest helping factors for self making into whatever you want to be. "Confidence is very attractive".

I'm fairly certain there is a ton of people here at EC who've felt what you have at some point, including me. Remember that you are not alone, and people here love and accept you, and also help accept yourself.

 

There's nothing wrong with you, like the other people said. Being in a homophobic environment, I'd understand why you'd feel that way though. Just because nobody in your house or family may agree with the way you are, doesn't mean that you're any less of a person or that you're wrong for it. You are who you are, and it's not always about being the same, it's about being you. You don't have to prove anything to them either, just put up with them asking if you'll ever bring home a boyfriend until whenever you're able to move on your own. If you keep saying no, I think they'll eventually understand, and if they don't like it, then it's no longer your concern because then it becomes their opinion. As long as you can continue being yourself and you just progress forward, everything will be easy from then on out.

 

Babe, as Sia sings in that David Guetta song, 'You are Titanium'. And you live in Brighton, I think God was trying to tell you something . You're 18 now but you won't be hiding for long. You know full well UK society is rapidly moving towards tolerance and equality so just embrace it and chase it!