So I came out to some of my friends and family, who it is doesn't really matter for this. Anyway, I came out to my best friend and he has been incredibly supportive. He has been, pretty much amazing. If I go to anyone because I'm having a particularly bad day or something is wrong or I'm worried, it's him or my mother. My close group of friends has all been going through a lot lately, though, and it's made me feel so guilty. His great grandmother just died and his father is on a lot of medications (and might be going to a clinic) to get over an alcohol addiction. It's put he and his mother in a really rough spot and I feel really bad telling him about my "problems" when he has so much going on. I backed off for quite a while and just tried to give him some space while still being supportive but recently I've just had no one else to turn to but him. So I guess here lies the question, or questions. Q#1: How close to your straight friend that you are obviously gob-smacked about is too close? I don't know where the lines are now that I'm out, he's told me nothing has changed and he *in most respects* acts that way. Now, we're not as touchy-feely as we once were, but we're still really close and have shared a lot of emotional support, but now that I'm in a position where I just don't feel comfortable with who I am I've really become reliant on him. Is this bad? Q#2: I have this deep-seated hope that he's bi/gay but I really, really, REALLY need to get over this. He's got a lot of stereotypical "gay" mannerisms and a lot of people (I hesitate to say *most*) think that he is. In its own way, those stereotypes and the comments have made it harder for me. I've spent way less time with him lately than I have in the past just because of this; I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to question him. He told me once that he wasn't gay - but it was when we first met and I told him at the same time that I wasn't....well, look how that turned out. I'm halfway in between "do I trust my gut" and "how do I move on without letting this affect me?" My initial thought when I first met him was "that is the funniest gay kid I've ever met" which is sort of horrifying to me now that I've gotten over the "repressive" stage of my life. I mean, he really isn't a sexual person except for the fact that he makes jokes. He has never talked about a 'hot girl' with me around even when I wasn't out. Hell, I talked about how hot Cat Von Dee and P!nk were (and they are, don't get me wrong) more than he's ever talked about women (except that stereotypical "celebrity crush"). See where I'm going here? I've stereotyped him, too. No woman, more shoes and clothes than anyone I know, every gay man on campus is after him and here I am thinking "wtf, I just want to be his friend..." and I'm afraid to because I have developed feelings for him and I couldn't bare to hurt him. What can I do?
I don't know how much advice i have here but i wouldn't back off on the friendship even though you kind of like him more. As for if he is gay or not who knows he could be maybe by how you've described him but he may really be in denial about it and doesn't know himself. Let that go for now in time it may all work out but he probably isn't going to figure that out right now with everything else going on in his life. I'm sure he needs you as a friend as you do him and a true friend is kind of hard to find. Keep him as a friend. The rest will or won't work itself out in time.
I know how you feel, and I hope you can stay friends. I’m bi, and trying to be friends with a straight guy I like (both ways). I have to keep reminding myself that when he’s nice, it’s just because he’s a nice guy, and if he does something that seems to hint at gayness, I’m probably imagining it. It’s so much easier with people I’m not attracted to. (One hard part about being bi is that, for me, problems like this aren’t restricted to one sex. :eusa_doh When I feel like I’m getting gay vibes from someone I like, I find that it helps to remember the ‘base rate fallacy’ I learnt about in statistics. Assuming 10% of people are gay, then even if your ‘gaydar’ or whatever is right 90% of the time (both ways), half of the people you think are gay will be straight, because the straight population is nine times as big. If you take 100 people, 10 of whom are gay, you’ll make 10 errors. 9 will be straight people you think are gay, and only 1 will be a gay person you think is straight. So, you’ll have 18 people you think are gay, buy only 9 of them really will be -- and that’s if you’re 90% accurate, which is probably more accurate than I am anyway. I don’t know if my advice is any good, but if you can just convince yourself he’s straight, it might help to dampen your attraction. If he actually isn’t, then maybe he’ll realise/accept it in time, but since you’ve already come out, I think the ball is in his court. If I were in your place, I’d assume he’s straight unless and until he said otherwise.
