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Always hit on by considerably older guys who just want random sex.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Emberstone, Oct 1, 2012.

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  1. Emberstone

    Emberstone
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    I don't know what it is about me, but I only seem to get hit on by really really old guys who are just looking for random sex. They always seem dismissive of the idea that any gay guy, especially a younger one, would care about or want to have meaningful relationship. I keep attracted people who just want a purely physical relationship, but only if the person is 15-40 years younger (i have been hit on by a old guy in his 70's, who didnt seem to have at all any interest in who I was, he just wanted to go to the restroom and 'give me the best fuck of my life'.)

    I don't know what it is. Maybe I give off a more mature, mellow vibe or something, even though most people, really of any age, mistakes me for being 5-8 years younger than I actually am.

    I find it hard to feel comfortable enough to take the plunge, and seek a relationship when this is basically all that seems to happen to me.

    Only once in my life has someone around my age flirted with me, and as much as I love reilly, he is a great friend, great sense of humor, but is a perpetual ball of energy, and I knew with certaintly that if we pursued a relationship, it wouldnt last long, because I would not be able to keep up with him, and keep him happy, emotionally or otherwise.

    but I am catnip for ultra cougers, and its not helping at all in finding something meaningful.
     
    #1 Emberstone, Oct 1, 2012
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    Is it possible you're unconsciously putting off a sort of vibe that makes you unapproachable among people your own age?

    Quite frankly, my understanding is that for the older guys that are after younger guys, they literally don't care who they hit on, because they are, essentially, desperate to find a younger guy, and they know that 95% will reject them outright, so they'll literally go up to anyone. So that's why I'm thinking this might be a possibility.

    I've met quite a few people in their 20s who have had similar experiences to yours, and in talking and interacting with them, there's often something -- body language, facial expression, dress, walk, eye contact or lack thereof -- that's going on at an entirely unconscious level that inadvertently sends the message you're unavailable, unapproachable, or not interested. So that would be my first guess.

    Do you have a good friend who is gay, close to your age, and might be able to tell you totally honestly if you might be coming across that way? Preferably someone who could go with you and see you in the environment where you're trying to meet people.

    Finally, where are you looking? My first thought is that if you're being hit on by creepy older guys, you're looking in the wrong places. Bars and clubs generally suck for anyone looking for anything other than hookups. The other places where you meet people generally require more effort... but with that comes the payoff of generally a higher caliber of people, in terms of their interest in relationships.
     
    #2 Chip, Oct 1, 2012
  3. Emberstone

    Emberstone
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    I was at the open house for my universities LGBT resource center. it was basically 50 people. with only maybe 2 people over the age of 30. I was talking with alot of other people around my age before this guy cornered me. I think he was hitting on one of the student leadership representatives when I was leaving also.

    I dont think I was acting any different with him than anyone else; I am not someone who runs out to flirt with other people, that step, like most of the other people there, tends to come after you have talked for a bit.

    I tried to be cold with him and get away a few times, but he just kept pursuing me.
     
    #3 Emberstone, Oct 2, 2012
  4. Filip

    Filip
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    Heh, this is what caused most of the GLBT groups around where I live to start adopting strict age requirements. If you want to join the GLBT student association, then you have to be 18-24, or you just don't get in. I wouldn't be amazed if excessive perving on the part of older guys is what caused such policies.

    Ironically, the group for people around my age is defunct (gays around 30 seem to be busy with career, house, relationship stuff), so it effectively means I'm out of luck if I want to do anything else but bars or clubs. Which I don't like, so I'm effectively cut off from any sort of GLBT socialising.

    If you'll allow a bit more theorising, I once had a discussion with a (gay) friend who claimed that most older gay guys he knows had just "given up" along the way. That over years and years of getting the message from society that gay guys couldn't have serious relationships, they decided they weren't even going to try anymore. Over the years, they chased cheap thrills until they lost all shame and restraint. Sounds like these guys are examples of that.


    As for what to do... I'll admit I have never been in that situation myself, so this is all theoretical, but:
    - You mention being polite and avoiding. If they don't get that hint, you might want to try utter bluntness. "Dude, are you just unable to get a hint? Please sod off!"
    - If he doesn't let off, use these kinds of venues as places to meet with people, but not to stay hanging around. Mention that guy is creeping you out, and that you'd like to go someplace else to continue the discussion.
    - If this is endemic, don't hesitate to contact the resource center leadership about it. This is a problem for their attendees, and having someone point that out might make them less likely to turn a blind eye to this kind of things.

    - In fact, agreeing to meet somewhere else is probably the best way to get somewhat more comfortable and talk a bit. If you see someone you like, it's perfectly acceptable to try and set up a meeting in a very public place. Make it a "quick lunch", and avoid calling it a date at first. If you keep clicking over a couple of those, you're at more liberty to flirt.

    - Regarding flirting... it is possible to be too adamant about not flirting or being serious until you know each other better. I might be jumping to conclusions here, but I have known people who were genuinely nice, but who kept putting me off for sheer lack of homour and resistance to being just plain goofy every once in a while.

    Not all flirtyness needs to lead somewhere, so it might help to throw around the occasional wink, nudge, or double entendre. To be honest, I'm occasionally act vaguely flirty with all of my friends, gay or straight, male or female. It's a "social lubricant", I'd say. I obviously keep it to the occasional comment, but i think that coming across like you're not all serious all the time is a thing that does facilitate friendships, which might, with the proper person, turn into something more.


    Anyhows, just throwing the above out there...
     
    #4 Filip, Oct 2, 2012
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