A relationship. When I think about this I think of a bond between 2 people who are in love. The way society has always been is to suggest that relationships should involve a man and a woman. However my idea of a relationship involves myself and another man. The only problem is I have been brought up in a world where simply dropping the fact that I'm gay into a conversation is not acceptable. I have no idea how I'm supposed to change the way my brain thinks, and the fact that I am attracted to other men. Yet I still wouldn't dream of revealing my true self to anyone else... Writing this is even confusing me! Undoubtedly the worst part of hiding my sexuality has to be the lying and the pretence. I am not a good liar, and I sometimes think that my friends must have guessed I'm gay. I've lied to friends that I have had sex with numerous girls, and I hate that I've lied about this, but at least this means they will suspect me less. I remember one night when me and one of buddies went back to a house with 2 girls. The action moved into the bedroom with me and my girl and I was overcome with fear. We started making out on the bed but then when the undressing came I couldn't go any further. I told her I suddenly felt unwell and then left. I did genuinely feel ill once I'd got outside however. I'm just glad I never went through with it... Obviously the next day I lied and told my buddies that I did indeed get laid. Going out with my friends is always awkward. They're always interested in finding girls and I usually just like to get drunk, and obviously as they don't know my secret I am left to just stand and try find hot guys to stare at, longing to do more than just stare. Being a straight acting closet gay and hanging out with a group of guys means that there is also the small problem of me being attracted to one of my best friends. He will always talk about going out to find girls, whilst part of me wishes he would just want me. However there is another part of me that realises I would ruin our friendship by trying anything on. My excuse for not going after girls with my friends tends to be that I'm a one night stand guy who is afraid of being in a relationship and enjoys being on my own. This is half true as I am afraid of being in a relationship with a girl... But its half false as I long to meet the man of my dreams and live in a world where I can be accepted for who I am, and no longer be lonely.
It's hard, especially that being attracted to your friend part, I am in the same situation and I have no idea about his sexuality I have taken hints and turned them into something that looks like he is not straight but really I have no clue and I want him to be into me so bad it hurts. You sound like a genuine person though and you will find your way I am 24 almost 25 and still have not told anyone IRL about my feelings and it hurts bad inside. The one thing that keeps me strong is knowing that I am not the only one in this situation, and that I think when the time comes for me to let it out my friends and family will be supportive. I can only hope. It's not easy but you'll make it stay strong and good luck.
I think you are doing jus the right thing. The more you talk about something and the more you allow yourself to feel something, the more normal it will feel. I know it is uncomfortable at first, but keep at it. Little things like posting in the Hot Guy Game with a picture of a celebrity that you find hot can be very liberating. I know for me even typing "I'm gay" or "my type of man is..." was very nerve wracking, but doing so lets your brain realize that hey, its totally fine and there is nothing to worry about. I know it can be frustrating, but for what its worth you are far from alone. There are many people here who are either in your same situation or have been there. And from someone that has been there, things will get sooo much easier to handle with time. Keep at it
Thanks for your comment. I know I will get there one day, I feel like I'm getting closer. It's strange how it only takes a second to say "I'm gay" so it could all be over pretty fast but it's just the aftermath of those words that I dread. Hopefully your friend feels the same way about you. I know that hurting feeling well... Good luck with your future and hopefully we'll both be out and accepted one day .
I can totally relate to this. This was me when I was at uni. Me and my guy friends would go out to clubs at least once a week and they would always be scouting for girls while I just got drunk and surreptitiously checked out the hot guys xD The worst thing about it was that one of my friends tried setting me up with girls as my 'wingman' but I hated it of course. The funny thing was as he talked to the girl I would always 'slip out' and go to the toilet whenever he tried to do that :lol: I had the same problem. The guy I was interested in was my flatmate in 2nd year of uni. I didn't find him attractive during our first meeting but after a while his personality grew on me and I began to find him attractive. He was such a flirt because he always hugged me at random times, try to wrestle with me even though I was clearly no match for him, and kept saying he loved me! He once said that if I was a girl he would have slept with me :eek: but anyway, he said he was straight and is now in a relationship with a girl. Oh well, life sucks. :icon_sad:
That reply has just brought a smile to my face, it reminded me so much of myself! Having a friend as your 'wingman' happened to me as well! It's funny because our friends probably thought they were being helpful when really we just wanted to be left well alone! I conveniently 'disappeared' on many nights out if I felt too pressured to get with a girl. I can't believe your friend said he'd have slept with you if you were a girl! That is a rather strange thing for a straight guy to say! The friend I was attracted to is still single and has never had a long-lasting relationship with a girl. I remember hearing about how he'd slept with a girl once and I was devastated . My feelings have subsided for him though as I don't seem him much any more due to us living in different cities. I'm kind of glad really.
I know right, the wingman incidents always filled me with dread and I hoped that it didn't happen during those nights. Oh the irony... When my friend said he would have slept with me if I was a girl I kinda froze on the spot and didn't know what to say so I just said 'thank you' lol. It was a real torture to live with him that year because it felt like my heart was being ripped out constantly. Like you, I don't see him much either from living in different cities but we keep in touch on facebook. Recenly he asked me if I had a girl yet, and then added 'a boy? I don't judge' I was thinking 'what should i say o_o' I was going to come out then but he gets fraped a lot so in the end I decided not to in case someone came across his messages.
