Hello, everyone. My name is not going to be used for my own safety. Never know what people might look at on the internet. Anyhow, just call me J, okay? I am 17 years old. I've been struggling with some real problems. I am pretty sure that I am gay. There are suspicions at my school in my friends group that I am gay. I have a gay friend and he has the biggest no so secret crush on me. However, I know that if I come out, they might not see me the same way again. I'm out to my brother and one of my friends. Lets call her Jo. So, I told my brother that I was gay. He looked at me and we're twins, so it was kind of awkward. He told me that he doesn't want a gay brother. Jo, who I told I was gay a couple of months later cried and cried but then realized that this was a big step for me and she called me to apologize for not being more supportive and I told her it was okay. She sent out a message to all of my other friends and told them that I was gay. Untrustworthyness isn't one that I fancy, when I specifically told her not to tell anyone. It is my senior year in highschool and my friends are all asking me the same questions: - Are you gay? - J, it is okay if you are gay, just do you want to talk to me about it? Yada yada yada. I'm feeling so much pressure. My parents are very conservative and catholic... No question about it, you might already know, but I'll spare you some of the deetz. I told my mom on our way home from the grocery story because I told myself that I would do it and i had built up the confidence to finally do it. She told me, "J, is that really how you feel?" She broke down in tears and said the words that shot me down. "J, I don't want a gay son." I went out for a ride before my father got home because things would be messy if he did. I eventually went home and my dad questioned me at the door and then told met og et up into my room and he would talk to me in there. I got on my bed and I started to tear up. He came in and slapped me in the back of the head and told me to start being striaght or he would kick me out of my house. My brothers just stood there in cowardice. It made me feel so isolated. So unloved. My mother just stood there as he smacked me in the back of the head and slammed it up against a wall. I'm scared to tell ANYONE, but I don't feel that it is the right time. I eventually told my mom that it was a joke and she said not to worry about it and not to say stupid stuff like that again. My brother keeps trying to "get me straight", if that is the words that you would ike to use. He keeps saying to me, "Look at the pair on her." I'll just shrug it off and walk away. The pressures of school, the fear of rejection, the loneliness I feel. I just need a (*hug*). Every night at midnight I watch an It Gets Better video on YouTube from the trevor project. It's not that I am afraid of my friends rejecting me, it's that I live in a small, conservative christian town. My thoughts on politics and such are very liberal. If someone knew that I was gay, for sure, it would probably be on facebook. I just think that maybe since no one wants the real me, that this world isn't meant for me. I cry every night, since the night I tried to tell my parents and they didn't understand. I just need someone to lean on and talk to. I'm scared.:help: me..
To start with, lots of (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) for you. I'm very sorry to hear about all of this - and it might not be the best thing in the world to hear, but just to reassure you, the way your parents are treating you is wrong, especially hitting you in response to the news. As for Jo, it sounds like she made a major mistake in outing you to your friends. How supportive has she been since then, though? I just ask because in your case, I would recommend finding support any way you can. Is there a PFLAG chapter anywhere nearby? Ultimately, getting out of there as soon as you can might not be a bad idea. Don't feel like you can't trim your facebook list either. Do you have any relatives or friends you could live with, either now or at some time in the near future? Aside from moving, is there anyone you could talk to aside from family and friends? Maybe a counselor at your high school? As conservative as the town may feel, hopefully someone in that position will be sympathetic to your situation. Keep posting and hang in there. (*hug*)
"Jo", we still talk, but she walks on hot coals around me all the time. I try to be her friend, too. Plus, it isn't that my friends aren't supportive. The problem with telling them is that it will spread like wildfire throughout my town, and it is very embarrassing. They told me they would still be happy and not act differently. I am just tired of saying that I am not gay. Having to say that is like a slash with the whip of shame. (They only tell me this stuff when they are freaking interrogating me in the hallway, or in the classroom. I hate it.) Sadly, there are no LGBT or PFLAG support groups in my town. If there are any, I don't know about them. I do not really know my extended family's opinion on the entire gay subject. We have been watching the show Modern Family. If you watch it, it stars Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet as a gay couple living with the problems as any other traditional family. I idolize and adore Eric Stonestreet's performance. He is my favorite character. Their reactions to it is that it is funny, but I don't really want to bring up the fact that I am gay around them. My Aunt and her sister are very sporadic. My uncle has cancer. I don't want to burden them with more news that might be dreadful. I just want to move away sometimes. I don't want to talk to anyone because it is very embarrassing. I might just wait until I am able to support myself financially and get through college. I just don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to have bad thoughts, either. Many (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) to you too.
I would also like to give you lots of (*hug*)s. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) That takes care of that. This may seem cold-hearted or something, but if your parents are treating you like that, it's justified. Pretend to be straight to them, then go off to college or whatever you're doing and they'll hopefully pay for it. After that, tell them you're gay, or confirm it, or whatever you need to do. If they really do think it was just a joke, and they seem willing to, then they should be fine with you until you admit you're gay. After that, just cut yourself off. If they're going to be like that to you, they don't deserve a child. They deserve to be lonely at the nursing home if that's what they're doing. I hope my "advice" has not been overly stupid, as it usually is. Best of luck, and (*hug*).
I would just echo mostly what Gravity said. It would be best for you to leave as soon as you can. Your current living environment is not healthy at all. Are you going to be attending college relatively soon in the next year or so? If so, I'd try to find a college that is far enough away so that you can live on campus and away from your family. Just because you were born into your family does not mean you are tied to them for the rest of your life. If they are not accepting of you, then that is their fault since you're perfectly fine how you are. Sometimes we have to make our own family with great friends when our biological one abandons us. For the time being you should try your best to stay in the background and just try to get by until you are able to do something about your situation. I know it sucks and I'm sorry you have to go through this, but life won't always be this bad and unhappy for you. This is just temporary. (*hug*)
'll try and take up on all of you guys advice. Well, the answer any future college questions. I am trying to go to college for basically nothing. To get some of the scholarships in which to take off my tuition, I have to stay in state. It'll be nice. Once I get my own apartment or house, I'll be happy. Going to keep you guys posted too. I'm glad I found this website. (*hug*)
Please do! We'll be looking forward to hearing how it's going. I'm all in favor of finding someone to talk to, even if you suspect they somehow won't be able to handle it - just because someone has cancer doesn't mean they don't want to talk about your issue too. If it's affecting you, it's important. Maybe it could even bring you closer together, and you could help each other. If you'd like to PM me (or any staff member), we can talk in some detail about finding the closest PFLAG or other lgbt support group - even if it's a small drive away, it might be worth it to go at least once or twice.
