I spent 2 years in prison for a non-violent crime. I was in my 20s when I went in, and never considered doing anything sexual with a man, I’m white, 6’0”, athletic, hardly any body hair and not at all street smart. I was sexually harassed immediately and constantly. It was either fight all the time and probably get outnumbered or overpowered eventually or pair up with a white gang member who offered to protect me but I’d basically be his property. After a while, I didn’t have it in me to keep fighting and paired up. I got moved into his cell and he wasted no time doing whatever he wanted to me. It started out violent and rough and gradually he became pretty decent and I even started to enjoy some of the sex. Now that I’ve been out of prison for a little while, I think I might be bisexual. Sexual abuse doesn’t happen as much in prison blocks that are dorms or pods, but on blocks with cells, it happens all the time. At night, I always heard screams and cries from a few kids, but most guys tried to make as little noise as possible because they were so ashamed of what was being done to them and didn’t want anyone to know. So there were a lot of muffled grunts and groans. That baffled me because once you got fucked, everyone knew right away. Anyway, I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is PTSD or I just really learned that some aspects of sex between two men can feel very good. I definitely don’t think of homosexuality the same way I did before. Growing up, it was like being gay was the worst thing you could be. The straight guys who used to be my friends would talk about sucking a dick or getting fucked in the ass like it would instantly kill you or make you a lunatic. Well, I had a dick in my mouth and ass and know what happened? Nothing. I remember thinking after a while that I was still the same person. I don’t understand why so many people seem to be so utterly terrified of gay sex. Yeah, at first I wanted to die and cried all the time and it hurt worse than I ever thought it would. But I got over it. I decided I was going to survive and even getting fucked stopped hurting after a while. Now I think about guys when I jack off as much as I think about girls. I think I need to find a nice guy who will be patient with me to explore this part of my sexuality with. Well, I’m not sure if this is the right place to post or what but I haven’t talked to anyone about any of this and needed to get it out. Feel free to respond or email me. Thanks all!
While I dont think that sexual abuse is the sure way of changing ones true sexuality, it is possible that the experience could have brought out some feelings in you that you didnt realize before. It seems that through your childhood you essentially homophobic, and it is quite common when someone is raised in that type of mindset, for them to surpress any desires the may have. I'm sure many people will tell you, "oh, this is just the abuse talking, these feelings arent real". But really who knows. You may not even be certain for decades. I would say that it would be the best idea to find someone who will let you experiment and take your time. If it makes you happy, its makes you happy. Just see where life takes you.
I am terribly sorry for the non-consentual abuse that you endured while incarcerated. No one should have to go through that. If you're out now and are still attracted to men though you may very well be bisexual. Plenty of people are "gay for the stay" and never think about voluntary same-sex relationships once they're released. That doesn't seem to be you. For me, I couldn't admit bisexuality to myself until certain life events a) made my feelings for women impossible to ignore any longer and b) broke down my religious and other conditioning around same-sex relationships. Fortunately for me, none of this included violence or force but those things may be essentially what have occurred in your life to make you question your orientation. Your hunch is probably right that you need to explore with a patient and understanding guy who will allow you to process things at your own pace. Whatever you find, I wish you well in your life on the outside and hope that you never find yourself back in prison again.
Hi, and welcome to EC. First, it takes courage to talk about what happened to you, how it's made you feel, and to explore the feelings that come out of that. So my respect to you for being willing to talk openly about it. This is a situation that has a lot of complexity and nuance to it, and I think it's not easy to clearly answer the question for you. First, with regard to anal sex, there's no question that there's a biological stimulus of the prostate that happens during anal sex, and so, whether you're the straightest guy on the planet, or the gayest queen on the planet... if you are bottoming for someone, once you learn to relax and take it, the sense of stimulation you get from your prostate is going to feel really, really good, whether you're straight or gay. So that, by itself, really has no bearing on your sexual orientation. The other part is harder to reconcile. You, by your own admission, weren't street smart and essentially needed someone to protect you. So in a way, this is sort of like stockholm syndrome (look it up) where after a time, the prisoner becomes sympathic to his captors. While your cellmate wasn't your captor, he did have control over you, and psychologically, at a certain point, your brain will essentially learn to make the best of a difficult situation. Finally, you were around men 100% of the time, so the influence of that can't be overlooked either. And, of course, even without the constant sexual assault you experienced, there's no question that you were exposed to extreme traumatic stress. Add in the recurring sexual assault, and there's no question you're suffering from extreme PTSD. So all of these pieces would have to be teased out before you could really figure out what's going on. If you want to start looking for indications, one thing you can do is to consider where you stand now vs. before you were incarcerated. Did you, before incarceration, have girlfriends? Did your eyes wander toward women's or men's bodies when you were out wandering around? Did you ever have sexual experiences (even if minor stuff like feeling up or mutual masturbation) with guys or girls at all prior to incarceration? Did you look at gay, straight porn, or both? The more you can look at where you were before vs. where you are now, the more you can start to separate out the effects of incarceration vs. what's innate. It's definitely possible, as Gen suggests, that there was something innate but unconscious before incarceration, but looking at the pieces this way may help make it clearer. But it can't hurt, if you're feeling the desire to explore a relationship with a guy, to try that. And, in any case, if it's an option, I'd strongly suggest therapy. There are a lot of pieces to PTSD and you'd benefit strongly from some good therapy to work them through.
I was sexually abused as a kid by a family member and it is often difficult to know if your sexual preference is the result of the abuse or whether it would have came about anyway. You say that you "jack off" to guys and girls. Are you getting off by reliving what happened (abuse) or are you getting off by fantasizing about male on male sex where both partners are equal and where all activity is consensual and respectful?? If it is the latter, you may be bisexual by nature and having consentual interractions might be a good thing for you. If you are fantasizing about being abused, it may be a form of PTSD where you convince yourself that this is "normal". Rape is not normal!! Anything consensual between adult men is a beautiful thing ... hope this helps.
I'll echo Chip's comments and commend you for your honestly and bravery for coming here and sharing your story. I hope it helps you to talk about it. I would also strongly recommend working with a therapist to ensure you're dealing with your trauma in the most positive and healthy way possible. I think the general population is just kidding themselves in thinking that people are 'rehabilitated' in the prison system. I have no doubt that it was a nightmare for you - and didn't contribute to you being a better person... I'm sorry you had to go through that. I just hope you find the help you need to work through this. EC can be a part of that process for sure. Welcome.
Allow me to join the chorus and express how terrible what happened to you was and congratulate you for your courage. Criminals or not, the rampant sexual abuse that takes place in the United States prison system is a national disgrace. The fact that people think that the victims somehow "deserve" what happens to them or even treat it as something hilarious makes me want to throw up. I think this is the most productive way to think about it. Sometimes the way people deal with trauma is by coming to identify with their abuser. If you find yourself trying to recreate your encounters with your "protector," I would be more concerned about the possibility of psychological damage. That said, I don't want to write off these new attractions you're experiencing. The fact that you're looking for a kind, patient person to explore these feelings with suggests to me that you've expanded your attraction to other males outside of the context of your abuse. The fact that you also recognize the abuse as abuse is encouraging to me as well; for what it's worth, it doesn't sound to me like you have Stockholm Syndrome. I'm going to second the suggestion that, if you haven't already, you get a medical exam. I think it would be a good thing too to see a counselor who specializes in sexual assault/traumatic experiences to get a more informed perspective on how best to move forward.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Its very possible you were bisexual to some degree before these experiences and you were repressing it. I believe most of the population is bisexual, they just don't embrace their same sex desires because it is taboo. If you aren't familiar with it you should look into the kinsey scale. I for one don't see the harm in you experimenting with a same sex relationship. That being said, I would like to second what other people above me have said and say that some PTSD and Stockholm syndrome could still be effecting you and I think counseling would be a very wise decision to help you out.
Eh I started to realize I was bisexual in my early 20s. I think that a pretty large number of people are capable of that, but their same sex attraction is 'hibernating', you could say. Unless they have specific experiences that force that side of them to light up--experiences that force them them to reconsider their identity, they default to straight and probably never question or feel insecure about it.
