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Confused.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by parker50, Feb 2, 2008.

  1. parker50

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    I'm 20 and gay, and haven't come out to anyone yet. I live in a really rural area and have normal friends. I've spent a lot of my life wishing I was "normal"-- something that I'm not. I think I've finally accepted it, but I don't feel the need to tell anyone just yet. I feel as if college isn't the right time for me to come out, if I ever do come out at all.

    Right now my college career is coming to an end, and in a year and a half I'll be out of school. I consider myself a really normal guy-- no one has really even questioned my sexuality. I've never had sex with a girl or a guy, and I think I've finally decided I want to begin to figure some things out. I think I've really been afraid of who I was in the past. Now I feel like I know myself a lot better than I ever did in high school. I feel as if I've matured into an adult. I feel like I know who I am on all fronts, except on a sexual level, and I want to figure that out.

    I don't know what kind of relationship I want, but I don't find myself attracted to flamboyant guys. It's a turn off to me. It just confuses me how I'm supposed to find other guys that I like when I can't tell who's straight and who's not. The town I'm in has a large number of people my age, and I want to find someone like me, but at the same time I don't want to because I don't want people to know. I'm looking for a guy who wants to keep things on the "down low." Someone really normal...but gay.

    I don't really know what the point of this thread is. It's just I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and it's really bringing me down. I have so much going for me-- these are the prime years of my life. I want to be successful, get a job, have kids...but I don't know if I ever will. The fact that I'm gay used to make it really hard to meet people and make friends. I was really introverted in middle and high school, but now I'm a lot better off. Although I still hate talking in front of large crowds, I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin. I love my friends and I have a great family, and love to meet new people.

    But when I'm hanging out with the guys, it just confuses me. I have a great time with them, but whenever the subject of sex comes up I feel so lost and out of place. Often times I think of how great it would be to be straight. The world would make so much more sense....but then again, it would be completely upside-down to me.

    The thing I hate most about being gay is the lying. It's really been tearing me up inside lately. I've become really close to some people this year, and it just hurts so much to have to lie whenever the subject of girls comes up. I hate myelf for it because these are the best people I could possibly surround myself with. I feel like a hypocrite and a traitor, and honestly, if they hated me for being gay I would kind of understand. It's like my life is a complete lie. It's like they never knew me at all....

    Anyways, this is getting really long so I'm going to cut it off right now. I don't know if I'm looking for advice or whatever, I just felt like I needed to get it out. Thanks for listening.
     
  2. Vampyrecat

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    Hey, Firstly, Welcome to EC. don't be afraid to ask for help or advice. It's what we're here for.

    I think your problem is one that many closeted gay people feel. They don't know where to turn. Have you tried finding out through your college maybe, whether there are any GSA groups or any PFLAG groups around? they might be able to help you meet people and broaden your social network.

    Everyone one wants to be successful, and at the moment, I think the best thing to help you achieve that it to make sure you concentrate on your studies. Knowledge is Power.

    I hate lying too. I think your main problem is because you're not out, you have to work a lot harder at keeping up the facade. Fear not dear one, life works itself out eventually.

    If you ever need any help or advice, feel free to PM me anytime. k?
    Much hugs and luck wished to you. :slight_smile:
     
  3. nickmc

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    Hi! Wow, your post is basically telling me my own situation except that I've got Christianity thrown in there too (like I need more problems!)

    I also am trying to figure out who I am, am in University (just finished 1st year), never REALLY been in a serious relationship with anyone and to be honest it's never really bothered me. But just now I feel like it's something I need to figure out.

    Anyway, if you ever want to chat you can send me a Personal Message and I'll be happy to chat/comiserate/help out in any way I can.

    Nick
     
  4. Davo

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    Welcome to EC.

    I was a bit confused when I read your post, I just had to double check that I didn't write it myself as I'm in kinda the same situation you're in, and I'm sure once you've looked around on the forums you'll see lots of people are. Don't worry about it just now, I know it's horrible keeping it secret from your friends and having to lie when the subject of sex comes up but in time you'll hopefully get the confidence to come out.

    You should try and find some local groups where you can talk openly about it. If like me, you don't have the time or the confidence to do that, then this forum is a good alternative.
     
  5. beckyg

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    Parker, I hope you can tell from the posts above that you are definitely not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Living a closeted life is very, very difficult. You have to think "is this where I want to be the rest of my life". The closet door has got to peep open eventually or you'll drive yourself insane. Now I'm not saying it has to happen all at once. In fact, if you think about it in that way, you are most certainly going to feel alarmed, overwhelmed and anxious. Maybe you should think of one friend whom you might like to come out to. One trusted friend who you might think can handle the truth. Start there. Do you have any friends that are girls? Sometimes they are more able to handle the truth better although not always the case.

    Coming to EC is a great thing for you. People are here that have been in the same position and are in the same position. Please stick around and hopefully you are going to feel like the time is right to open the closet door a little and peek out. As you gain more and more courage, it is going to feel so FREE to live your authentic life.
     
  6. Bromptonrocks

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    Welcome...you've come to the right place..just ask away...
     
  7. Suede7

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    Parker,

    Good morning! I had a dream :sleep: they made large neon billboards for guys like us saying...................You're...........NOT...........alone.
    What your feeling is the first phase of emotions in your development as a gay man. You have accepted that your gay, now you're trying to figure out the next step. :eusa_doh:
    This might well be a "leap of faith" ( not uncommon in our world ) but consider finishing school and relocating to a town or city that supports a gay lifestyle. This will help eliminate some of the "guess work" when it comes to meeting other guys.
    You sound both responsible and methodical, not typical for 20. This alone, will help you to successfully navigate your growth.
    Your right, in the classic sense, it is a "lie". Everyone of us at some point has or has to graple with that fact. Ultimately, it's on the forefront of reasons that brings us "out".

    Let me share.............I was bent on pleasing my Mom & Dad. For years it was more important that I made sure all of my friends and family were happy. Also important what each and every person thought about me. I exhausted a lot of effort in the "co-dependant" arena. Never cared much about how I felt just as long as I looked good & "straight" and everyone else was happy. (!) I did not want to disappoint anyone, wanted always to be well liked. Truth is, I was dying a slow and painful death........trying so hard to be a "straight man".
    I had one innocent exchange with this guy when I was 22 in college. The day after I was overcome with the most serene sense of "this feels so right!!!". Unfortunately, it forced me deeper into my closet. It would be twenty more years before I ever made contact with another man. I just could'nt do it. "Fear" would be my arch enemy and my best friend that I used as my excuse to stay in the closet.:eek:
    I met the love of my life or so I thought at 28 yrs, after that we would marry & have an amazing little boy. Again trying so hard to play the "straight card".
    Then nuerosis set in. After 11 yrs of trying to make this work I began to realize the "gay noise" inside my head was getting so loud it was now interfereing with my personal happiness on an unmanageable level. The next three yrs would be the darkest and hardest period of my entire life. I was walking "through the fire".
    On March 3rd 2004 I was attending a contractors meeting in Weston, FL. After this meeting I got back in my truck, so overcome with sadness and fear I just began to cry:tears: (thank god for tinted windows!). I really felt like my life was unmanageable and quickly coming to and end. As I drove, I kept going in and out of suicidal thoughts. I was sure I could muster my own demize and had convinced myself that it was going to be better for me and everyone in my life.
    I can't tell you why but my "higher power" began speaking, louder & louder, the voice got.
    Saying "just do it, it can't be any worse than taking your own life!!! Do it ........get out of your truck and go find someone anyone that can help you!!!" By now, I had hit bottom & was a complete & total wreck. I was totally "out of body". It felt more surreal than I care to remember. Next thing I know, I was driving past the GLCC ( gayandlesbiancommunitycenter). I would circle the block a half a dozen times before I could muster the fortitude to walk inside. I was pale, sweating & crying:tears: all at the same time!! My higher power wanted so badly to speak & was trying to tell me "today your "lie" will end".
    I walked into the GLCC in a panic asking/demanding to see a councilor or anyone that would help me:help: . I was at a total and complete loss. This was it. If I was not going to seek out a "savior" here I was sure I was not going to live another minute.
    I rushed passed the front desk hearing the attendant yell at me "wait wait you can't go in there!!". I saw a man coming down the stairs, he said to me "are you alright ?". Well it was pretty obvious I was not. I said "no". He said so what's going on. I could'nt even utter the word "gay" nor had I ever in my entire life as a reference to myself. So I just said......." you ever come to that fork in the road in your life where you think you might have taken a wrong turn?!!" (tears......by now I'm balling!!:tears: ) He says......I'm not sure I know what you mean. K........now I really start to loose it:tears: . I said " I just want to go back to that fork in the road and start over!" "Really" he says......why? I said cause I don't think I like women. He remained quiet. I could'nt even say "I like men". Now I was hyper-ventilating/dying inside/ crashing. He says "I want you to come with me to the conference room, have a seat and I'll be right back." A few minutes later he comes back with this woman. She says to me "stand up I want you to breathe.........and I also want you to know (as she's hugging me ) that no matter what you are feeling right now, you really are going to be OK..........I promise!" If we were on a "Hollywood Set" the director would have put a "white light" behind this "angel". Amazing that her name is "Mary"!! :slight_smile:
    Mary & Wayne will always have a very special place in my life. I can easily credit them both for saving my life & for giving me my first dose of "Kryptonite" to jettison me into "gay world". I was 42 yrs. old on March 3rd 2004. In two more months I will celebrate "4 yrs" as an out proud and "Profoundly Happy" gay man.
    My relationship with my now x-wife, son, family & friends could not be better. I am happier than I have ever been and partnered with someone who I see my self with eternally!! :eusa_danc God has been good to me........maybe cause I suffered for so long, not sure.
    Parker, I stumbled upon EC about a month ago. I only wish I had been able to access the depth of sharing and support that exist here when I came out. In joining EC, my only hope is to provide that same support to others. It means alot when others can relate to us. That said,.........it is also my hope, that I might help & inspire you as you begin to embark on this challenging & triumphant journey.
    I want to wish you nothing but success!! However, also know you have had and will continue to have your share of "growing pains". Good news is that's exactly what your pain represents........"growth". So keep growing & reaching out to others for advice & support. Be good to yourself and love yourself for acknowledging "your place" so far in your development! Your doing a great job just by virtue of the thoughts you have processed.

    Nuff said for now!

    Stay Strong Parker! & Press On!! :icon_wink
    Welcome to an Awesome Life!!!

    Suede7
    Delray Beach, FL.
     
  8. donnie5

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    Wecome To Ec!!!!
     
  9. Nicvcer

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    yeah I can't top that post... welcome to EC! :roflmao:
     
  10. parker50

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    Thanks for the warm welcome everyone-- I really appreciate it. It's good to know I'm not alone.
     
  11. Blaz

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    Yeah, your not the only one who feels that way. Glad I'm not alone also. I really am begginin to enjoy EC.
     
  12. beckyg

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    That was an awesome post Suede! Thank you for sharing your story.
     
  13. Paul_UK

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    I couldn't have said it better. Thank you Suede.
     
  14. GlindaRose

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    Wow suede thanks for sharing, that's an awesome story.

    Welcome parker :grin: