Unloading

I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I'm not sure where to start to be honest but it's just getting harder to get through each day. I feel crushed between wanting to be straight, so my life won't change and my family will look at me the same. But also wanting to come out because I have been struggling with this for ever a decade and I'm just tired of of constant warfare.

But I'm not stupid. I'm gonna be fighting a battle no matter what I do, and I just want life to be simple again like before I even knew what love was. I'm starting to feel like such a mess. Like all my confusion makes me weak and will pioson all those around me. I don't want the people I love ruined my be, so I just needed some way to shift the focus off it all.

So I took a knife and started hacking away at my arm. Then my other arm. When that wasn't enough, I started hacking at my face, somewhat lighter just because I knew people would ask, and when that wasn't enough I tried to cut my throat. I didn't cut deep there at all...it hurt so much and I could smell all the iron in my blood and I just felt really sick. I patched myself up and all...I'm okay but I am taking pain pills to help get me through the days at work but my arms still hurt and my hands and throat and all.

I just feel so lonely. I had a cat, we shall call he "Angel" for the sake of this discussion, and she was so precious to me. See I have no memories of before Angel, she has always been there. My earliest memory was of taking her home in my parents car. She was so precious to me, and I lavished affection on her nonstop. I didn't sleep unless she was in my bed, I didn't sit down to eat unless she was in my lap, and I didn't lay on the floor without her rubbing up against my head. When I moved out of my parents into my own home, she came with me and I took a week off from work to make sure such an old cat would be able to adjust.

She died, about a year ago. I was so devastated. I think I cried more then when my grandpa died...I just, no one would be there with me when I fell asleep anymore. I held her body forever before I put her into the ground. Then I just stood there for what seems like forever. I visited he grave everyday with flowers for a very long time before work and....I guess laziness got the better of me. I feel so bad though. I remember her last night sleeping with me, she couldn't even climb the makeshift stairs into my bed anymore. I had to lift her. The next day I remember her falling on her face and not getting up. I kept screaming at her to get up but she wouldn't.

Ever since, I have so many nightmares. So vivid and powerful, I wake up and can't fall asleep again. I am terrified of her haunting me. She always comes and tries to hurt me, I usually end up with my throat slashed and this sensation of being unable to breathe as I just non-stop puke blood. Buried me alive once, and once she came to me and rotted at my touch, decomposing into worms and beetles that bit me. The worms snaked their way through my arms eating through them. I have tried sleeping pills, but fear is powerful...

I just have wanted all this stress to go away. Being gay, Angel no longer here to purr me to sleep, all the extra extra work I am having to pull and my mother being distant....I just wanted to relieve it someway. So I started coming out to friends but, some have refused to talk to me, others accuse me of "trying to fondle me in my sleep" and so much shit, it just had the opposite affect.

It's just catching up to me. Little to no sleep, living a lie, being alone, working 60+ hour weeks....I just want the world to stop for maybe just even heck....a day....maybe I could sleep a little then? Catch up on some work? Maybe play a card game with friends? It's hard and I know the world will not stop because I have asked it too. But I just can't keep up the fight it's so much. Maybe if Angel were still here, she always listened and loved me. Helped me sleep and fought off my despair when it got bad.

I can remember her getting on to my lap and rolling over and would let me rub her belly. I am told cats don't do this normally, because it makes them vulnerable. But she did it for me. I always hoped I die before her, selfishly, so I would never know a life without her.

I just don't know right now. So many things at once, boiling over the years and mixing, just want it to go away. I just want, the world not to care I am gay, for it not to matter, to be so insignificant as to not warrant mention. To have-a guy- hold me. To, when I awake from a nightmare say "Sleep...I will keep you safe.". But this world is not like that....and I just don't know.

 

I did try to get another cat but she never seemed to like me, and actually already passed away...I just don't want to deal with pets anymore. I just feel nothing will be like "Angel" and they will just die on me and I'll be devastated all over again. I even had a pet butterfly as a kid and I just adored him, was messed up for awhile when he died too.

Not in school just work a lot. Afraid to do anything with a gay support group (should any exist near this area) since it's such a small community everyone knows everybody and word travels fast.

I want to reach a point where stuff like that doesn't matter, but I actually adore my parents and really look up to them and they both hate homosexuals. If your two heroes hate what you are then they hate you. I just don't ever want them to find out, or risk anything that they could end up hearing about.