Met up with two lesbians last night. Complete strangers to each other, we were chatting on a social network site and just decided to meet up for drinks. Anyway, they started asking me about my love life, previous relationships, how long I've been single for, etc. I had nothing to say. I felt so fake. And embarrassed. Both of them have been in relationships before and had interesting stories to tell about things that happened, but I just sat there like an idiot. I haven't even had sex with a woman yet, so couldn't even relate. And I didn't dare mention that my last relationship was with a man, before I realized I'm actually lesbian. How will I survive in the gay world? They are so judgemental. So what do I do? My first relationship with a woman (girl) - and only thus far - was about 8 years ago! Do I just say I don't prefer to date steadily because I'm picky, or what? What do I do/say? I feel so stupid and so fake. I don't know what to do:bang: My social life is pretty much non-existent, I don't know any clubs in my area, let alone gay clubs. I feel utterly useless and it depresses me that I'm such a loser. What makes it worse is I have a bit of social anxiety and my finances don't allow regular outings. So I'm pretty much f:***: in that department. WONDERFUL:tears: There's a pride parade this Saturday but I don't think I'm going. I only heard about it by chance. Where do people hear about these things? I'm so clueless and just really feel fake
The answer to this is simple. It might also shock you or seem impossible to do. But it is as simple as telling them the truth. Yeah, your first reaction will probably be to worry that they'll think you're a loser or fake or "not a true lesbian". But... in my experience, that's actually pretty rare. That conversation wasn't some kind of exam, it was a "tell me more about you so we can get to know each other". Now, people trying to get to know other people tend to default to ice-breakers that worked in the past. Which often includes comparing notes on relationships (this is not even specific to the GLBT crowd: most new straight people I meet also bring up relationships as conversation-fodder). In many cases, that's a perfectly safe and effective conversation-starter. And first time I socialised with gay people... they did the exact same things you describe. They tried to compare notes on gay clubs, on past relationships, on dealings with well-known people in the local GLBT scene, and even (when they saw all else was failing) on the benefits of bottoming vs topping (I kid you not..). They got frustrated during that conversation, I can tell you. All they got out of me was a "don't know, really". Because: how was I to respond? I had just come out of the closet! But I don't think they got frustrated because they only want to talk to people with extensive relationship/social/dating experiences. They got frustrated because they tried everything that normally breaks the ice, only to see it froze an additional layer on top of the ice. Now, afterwards, I found out that what I really needed was something I like to call "virgin pride". Yeah, I don't have dating experience. No funny relationship anecdotes. Not even lewd sex stories. I have one or two anecdotes about dealings with other gay people, but I'm sworn to secrecy on those. And I'm not going to care about that one bit. If anyone has a problem with that, their loss (and also damn shallow on their part, if I might add). Meanwhile, I have other interesting anecdotes to tell. So, when they ask me about my last date, I go "That was... with a girl, believe it or not! You see, I was at this wedding of a guy I wasn't out to. And he tried setting me up with this girl, and I didn't want to come out to him right in the middle of his big day, and..." etc. Not what they expect, but it's a story that's interesting, and we're talking, and we both learn something about each other. So; if anyone next asks you about your experience: tell them the truth. With any details you can spare. The more you tell the truth, the better you'll be at making an awesome story of it regardless, and worrying about it less and less. The only thing that makes the truth feel like a dirty secret is you treating it as one. In fact, what better place to exercise pride about the truth than at a gay pride! I do think you should go! At worst, it's an interesting sight to watch, and at best, you meet new and interesting people!
They were pretty put off by the thought of bisexuals, simply because, and I quote, "Who wants to go where sausage is easily allowed too?" And I think that comment is what scared me the most. Though it may have been only a couple of lesbians who shared the same sentiment, I got the general idea that nobody would want someone who's been with a man. So even though I'm lesbian, I've been with men before, and having to admit that is scary because I don't want to be judged. I know I should just be honest about it and tell them the truth but I just felt like the odd one out last night and it was really embarrassing and depressing. I'd hate to have a repeat of that. I tend to over-think things and always think of the worst case scenario. What if I'm honest about my dating history and that actually puts people off? How do you explain to someone that you have no sexual experience with the same sex? Do you just say it when they ask about it? I don't want to talk about my heterosexual relationships. It's all something I want to put behind me. I'd hate to have to mention it when talking to someone new. I do feel ashamed of it, almost like I "damaged" who I am. I wish I could turn back time I don't feel ready to go to a Pride Parade. I don't know. I just feel incomplete somehow. I think it's mostly my wardrobe. I don't know what to wear and I'm no longer happy with the clothes I've got. I want more masculine clothes. I can't go on living this double life where I still own girly clothes and shoes. It has to go. My biggest obstacle is my parents. Though I'm considered an adult, I still live with them and they won't readily accept such drastic changes :bang: I just feel like a total failure and a wanabe
I wouldnt overthink it. Honesty is your best route here - they are unaware of your lack of experience in the gay world so dont know that they are making you feel really uneasy. As soon as they know your situation I can almost assure you that they will be easier to talk to, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
I just chatted to one of the women and told her everything. That I have no experience in the gay world and that my last relationship was with a man. She said it's nothing to be ashamed of, and that she herself admitted to never having been with a woman. And she then said she's also been with men before, and said many lesbians have kids, the past is the past. Isn't that so sweet of her? Makes me feel a whole lot better now (!)
Oh, hun, please stop putting yourself down. You're making wonderful progress and I admire you for your integrity; you have nothing to be ashamed of. I've been with men and I have 3 boys, and that doesn't make me any less of a lesbian. You are who you are, don't let your past experiences or lack there of lack to affect your present/future. Just be yourself, you'll be great
Thanks for this. You always have such a wonderful way of putting things It's been on my mind a lot lately and the very thought of having to be intimate with a woman for the first time is terrifying, because I won't know what to do. I will obviously be honest about my lack of experience, so that would ease some of the pressure but I'm still scared I'll screw up. I don't know what it entails and though I have a basic idea of what might happen, I still don't know what to expect or what to do exactly. Any advice there? Maybe drop me a pm if you don't feel comfortable discussing it here. As mentioned before, I'm an over-thinker and I worry about things that haven't even happened yet. And that makes me paranoid and makes me think of the worst case scenario :bang: :eusa_doh: But I know I'll relax about it once I've experienced it for the first time. Then I'll know what to expect and can take it from there
