It hurts to ask... I feel very guilty. But is there anything I can do? I have a wife, a son, a couple close friends, close family members.... And it's hard for me to care sometimes. I don't feel or think in a selfish way... I just feel like I can't connect to anyone emotionally recently. For instance (I know it sounds EXTREMELY bad; I would do anything to change it) but I thought about it and I'm unsure, if it came down to it, that I'd give my life for my son. It's made me feel so guilty... And worried. I want to have that connection. I want to give my life for him without question. But honestly, I'm not sure if I could right now. To give some background, I've had problems in the past that stemmed from being somewhat emotionally hurt (not sure if it's sufficient to call it abuse). Early childhood problems involving my parents drinking and fighting amongst themselves. It really scared me as a child. I decided not to drink or do drugs in my life because of it. Then I was always considered a "nerdy" kid early in my childhood. That eventually changed even though I've retained at least some of my intelligence (had to try and through in some humor haha). My first relationship was kinda bad too. I've maintained a friendship with my ex and I don't hold anything against her. At the time though we were both around 13/14ish and for some reason I've always been very serious in relationships - wanting a complete committment and long-term relationship. Anyways, it was a long distance relationship because she moved after we were dating for 4 months. Since we couldn't see each other in person, we kept contact through phone calls and MySpace. After she moved though, I realized she changed. She would flirt constantly with other guys where I could see it. She did very little to hide it even though she knew it hurt me deeply. It lasted a while until she finally ended the relationship (it was only 9 months but it felt like years at the time). Since then the only major emotional problems I've had have been depression, anxiety, random panic attacks, and OCD from obsessive thoughts/worries. I've been on and off about 2 dozen medications from those problems. I'm currently on Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin along with Ambien and Requip for sleep. Anyways... Sorry about the long post and my life story. I haven't had a problem with this before. And it helps to be honest with myself and try to fix this. I just don't care for things as much as I should...
I'm sorry to hear about your problem, and your story about your parents and ex. Now, I don't know much about different kinds of medications and how they affect people, but maybe one of your meds is making you feel like this. Besides that, I can't really give you another reason why. But I can tell you I know how you feel. I've also felt unattached to others, even close friends and family. It's not all the time, but I have felt like that a few times. I don't really think anything too selfish either. It's just like...I don't connect with them at times, I don't feel so attached to them. Now this last part might sound kinda selfish, but sometimes, I'll be so caught up in my own world, in my own problems, maybe in my depression, that I feel different than everyone else, that I can't be like them or relate to them, but I don't even really care. I just feel unattached, almost sort of...dead, or numb about it... And none of that prolly helps you in the slightest. I'm sorry for rambling about my own stuff. But sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone...?
There's no question that growing up in a family where there was alcohol abuse and fighting causes problems with emotional and physical intimacy, and a whole host of other issues (not surprisingly, the ones you describe below.) This would also cause you to seek control and grounding in situations, such as demanding commitment in relationships for the long term, and taking control in other ways... and about a million other symptoms. The experiences that adult children of alcoholics experience are pretty consistent, and typically cause a lot of problems with relationships if not addressed in therapy. You would benefit tremendously from reading "Children of Alcoholism: A Survivor's Manual" by Judith S. Seixas and Geraldine Youcha. I'm also an ACoA and am happy to talk with you more about those issues. Do you realize how ridiculous it is to say "the only major emotional problems?" I don't mean that in a hurtful way, I'm just pointing out that you've mentioned 4 pretty major psychological issues, any one of which would be serious... but with all of them together, it's no wonder that you're having difficulty having a clear sense of emotional expression. The Wellbutrin will definitely cause a sense of "hollowness". People on it commonly describe feeling sort of numb or empty. In general, overmedication is a very common problem among people today, and, unfortunately, especially among people your age. People have somehow gotten the idea that it's normal or reasonable for someone 18 or 20 years old to be on 2 or 3 or 4 medications. It isn't. I'm not saying that you don't need them, as clearly the issues you're describing are serious... but it is also the case that much of what you're describing could easily be attributed directly to the environment in which you grew up, and, until 5 or 10 years ago, the appropriate treatment for such situations was psychotherapy and a very temporary use of medications to control the worst of the symptoms until the therapy can have time to help you develop coping strategies. Unfortunately, it is much easier for a psychiatrist to prescribe a drug than to talk to someone, and it is cheaper for an insurance company to pay for medications than to pay for therapy that would actually solve the problem... which is how we've gotten ourselves into this mess. I want to be clear that I'm not suggesting you make any changes yourself, and, in particular, that you not stop taking any of your medications. But from what you're describing, and my knowledge of working with ACoAs, everything you are describing can be attributed to those experiences, and is typically solvable, in the long term, without the use of any medications. This will also have the nice "side effect" of allowing you to have better access to your emotions, without the anxiety or depression overpowering everything else. It is really good that you are talking about what you're feeling, and what you're feeling (including not being certain if you'd give up your life for your son) is OK. Being honest is crucial to understanding yourself and getting yourself back to wholeness. I'm also going to suggest, if you haven't already, that you check out Brené Brown's videos. I believe you told me you'd already seen them but if not... check them out, as I feel like a lot of what's going on for you has to do with perfectionism, which is, at its root, caused by shame... and ACoA's have a HUGE issue with shame, as it is integral to the alcoholic household. This is definitely a solvable problem. I hope the above is helpful.
Well, I think there's two things that spring to mind. Neither is a miracle solution, exactly, but I hope they might help nonetheless. First of all: I'm not a doctor, but medication against depression, anxiety, OCD etc. is obviously designed to blunt the negative and unproductive emotions. However, they can also muffle the positive emotions. You eliminate the horrible lows, but also cut off the peaks. Discussing this with your doctor is obviously the best way to determine what the effects of your particular mix of medication could be. Secondly: it's not really socially accepted do admit this, but... I don't think anyone ever feels fully passionate all the time. Or even most of the time. As much as people will profess publicly that at all moments their relationship is fulfilling, their love for their family unwavering, their watchfullness for their children unflinching, it's just not possible for anyone to keep such a level of commitment up forever. At some point, you're going to look at your relationship and say "so, is this it?" or look at a sibling and realise you still don't fully understand everything about them, or look at your child and really ponder what you'd do in case of a horrible emergency. Those doubts are normal, and I'd even say that wondering whether you care enough is a sign that you are, in fact, caring more than you give yourself credit for. Or, as my dad used to say: only madmen and monsters never doubt themselves. Last but not least: feelings are elusive. When you try to grab them and quantify them, they have this tendency to slip between your fingers. Yeah, I have people I love. But when I stop and wonder why I love them, what makes them so special, or how much I love them... I never manage to come to conclusions. After pondering it too much, I'm always left with the conclusion that objectively, they're just people, and that there's no objective reason to love them more than other acquaintances. I can't reason my way out of that, but the moment I talk to the guy I crush on, I do notice there's more feeling than I give myself credit for. So the solution here might not be reasoning your way out of it, but taking your son in your arms and enjoying the moment. So... no miracle soluton, but I hope it can make you feel better! (*hug*)
Hiddenxrainbows: Thanks. It does make me feel less alone. Like for instance I used to be pretty controlling with my wife Bevause I had jealousy problems. I've lost most of that possessiveness but lately there's been a couple situations where I feel like I should be worried. But I'm not. I just... Lack the emotion to care at times. Chip: Is "Children of Alcoholism: A Survivor's Manual" an actual book or is it from an online source? That sounds like something I want to read into. For myself and others who I know have gone through that. As for the problems, I consider them minor and I meant to write minor instead if major. I've lived with depression and anxiety for almost 7 years now, have grown accustomed to them and only worry when new symptoms come up. I'm going to my psychiatrist to actually lower or stop the Wellbutrin, and I'm hoping that solves it. As for the general problems I've had, I definitely will read into that book and watch those videos. Filip: That was my first thought. I've taken it for months and it suddenly came up recently. I didn't expect a side effect after its been in my system for a while. As for the second thing you mentioned, yeah. I know. I have these dreams of being the perfect father, the perfect parent who loves their child, easily gives up everything for them, and enjoy every second with him. But realistically, nothing can be perfect. I guess I have to be more lenient on what my possibilities and limits are. Blaming myself for something I cannot do is pointless. I'll just slowly work on it. Thanks. I'll let you guys know what my psychiatrist thinks on Tuesday and see if there's anymore recommendations. Thanks again guys!
Yes, Amazon has it, and you can probably find a used copy on bookfinder.com. That sounds like a good plan. You may want to also discuss whether it might be feasible to try weaning you off the others in favor of therapy or other alternatives. Not all at once, but at 18, you should not be having problems getting to sleep, and I think it's entirely possible that the OCD-like symptoms are mostly a psychological compensation that you use as a means of providing stability in your life. If you are out of the dysfunctional alcoholic home, you will be able to have healthier ways of creating stability and grounding for yourself.
I'll search for that then, thanks! I've tried it to no avail. Gone to a few different therapists and psychiatrists and unfortunately since I'm turning 19, I'll be losing my medical insurance this month and will have limited options. I'll have to start going to public mental health facilities and I'm sure they'll start trying to get me off of the medications. As for the sleep, I've had it since I was young and it's been an on and off thing when it comes to how difficult it is to fall asleep. This current combination is the only thing that I've found to work and I can actually make it to early classes that I need for my degree. Haha. Unfortunately, I am not out of the house... but it has stopped almost entirely. My father became disabled a few years back and when that happened, my parents stopped socializing as much and therefore stopped drinking as much. Plus my father's on medications that wouldn't mix well with alcohol and he knows that. So that atmosphere has changed at least.
