I haven't visited this forum for months. Recently I thought about all the things I read in here and I decided to "come back" and read what other people were saying and asking. I have to say that in the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking a lot about myself. I reread my very long introduction post on this forum and a year after, I'm at the same point. Except that a few other people(who I met in the last year) know about who I am and with whom I've been able to talk more about my desires. Still, I don't know what it is to be in love, or even to have a crush on someone. I don't know that it is to be desired. Althought...for the first time in my life, I've been...looked at...like sexually, by another. I was outside a fast food restaurant in the middle of the night with 2 girls from work and I just came out to them. We were thankfully a bit drunk when a group of guys came by one of them just started to talk to us and when he discovered that I was gay, thanks to of the girls I was with, I felt the lust in his eyes. He quickly went away when his friends called him. I know this sounds crazy and sick but for the little virgin boy that I am, I was like Oh my god. And the guy was really really cute. He was telling me that I was good looking, he asked for my name and stuff. So first of all it reassured me that I acceptable enough physically to please someone and I actually can attract pretty cute guys. I was like in a daze and not just because I was a bit drunk. That was like 2 months ago and I recall it like if it was my first sexual experience. I'm that pathetic. I feel desperate but I don't want to be. I don't understand why it's so easy for most people and not me. Why do I only have friends that are girls. Where are my gay friends, where are my male friends. I just feel completely stuck. I don't know what I want to do in my life. I don't know where I'm gonna be in 5 years and I don't want to think about it really. Recently my father wanted me to get a life insurance and I did because I know that at my age it's the best moment. It really made me think about my future. Most people of my age begin to think about career, buying a house, having children and stuff. I'm stuck at this weird teenage age of fantasizing about boys, with a boring mininum wage job. I dont have life projects and I'm begining my fifth year in college because I don't know what to do still. But I also find myself feeling guilty for complaining that much. Some people are going through awful things and I'm victimizing myself because I don't have a boyfriend to cuddle. So I just think I should shut up, do my things and hope for the best. I realize that I don't really have a question. I'm just telling you guys what I feel right now. I don't really have a lot of people I can actually tell this kind of stuff. Actually it's hard for me to think about a person that I know who I can be as open. I'm usually the one people come to if they want to talk. I'm a good listener, but most of the time, this therapist role also comes with the responsablity of keeping your own emotions and feelings inside.
I want to start off by saying, welcome back to EC. In a lot of ways I can completely understand where you're coming from. I'm just doing some assuming here, but from the five years in college thing, and whatnot, it sounds like we're about the same age and we seem to be going through some of the same things. You say you're stuck...I feel the same way. It's a dreadful feeling, to think that you'e being left behind. Knowing you can't go back, not being to move forward like you want because of this or that. I was just recently spoken to about getting life insurance as well, because as you stated, it's a good age to go ahead and get it. I've been being pushed to consider my future more seriously, as if I wasn't already. I'm being forced to prepare for adulthood without ever having had a ...teenagehood? It seems like all the typical experiences that everyone else has at this age were not the experiences I was privy to. And I just feel like I'm standing at this crossroads with no signs. Yes, like you said, there are lots of people who have it worse than me, and when I think of that I know I should just be grateful for the things I do have and the accomplishments I have made, but it's only a little bit of temporary comfort. I also wonder where this person is, and that person is. I look at my coworkers, which are the closest things to friends I have around here, and I wonder why I can't have the kind of inter-person relationships they have. It can get very disheartening. So I think I can understand a bit of where you're coming from. I know I didn't really give a lot of advice, but I know sometimes it just helps knowing that you're not alone in the way you feel. Having someone to relate to is a nice thing from time to time. So if you ever want, feel free to contact me and we can talk. And if you ever just want someone to listen to you...I promise to do that. :]
I definitely think that we are in the same state of mind. You completed my thoughts. I do believe that my teenage years didn't really help me grow. I just went to school, had some friends, but I never really discovered who I was until very recently. It becomes very simple to explain why some people like us seem to be very late bloomers. So much time was put into searching or denying who we are. For me it's definitely denying and burying everything with it. I didn't want to think about it and I believe that's why I've never been in a relationship, even with a girl. If you combine this with bullying, there's me, who didn't really fully live his life as a teenager. Now, what to do with all this. Do you try to catch up (which something I tend to do, I started drinking at 22, and since then, I like to drink as if I'm 16...with much younger people) and relive what you should have lived, or do you just go on with your life and try to adjust to what you should be doing at your age?
I'm 17 and I feel the same way all my friends are girls I've never had a boyfriend no one but one person knows I'm gay I try to find a guy and it's really hard, I'm not in high school anymore I graduated last year, but it's hard To find a guy I'm still a virgin also your not alone
Hi Psy! Do you, by any chance, feel this, almost hopelessness, and loneliness? You want to free yourself and do things you want to and achieve things you want, but you're chained down by x y and z? You try, yet you find yourself stuck in an endless cycle where nothing happens. I know your frustration. I never had much of a childhood because of immigration and adjusting to a new culture. I was even whitewashed by my ignorant and self-hating (I'll even go as far as saying racist) cousins who despised their own Asian culture, which inadvertently affected me (I had no role model until I met a friend online). Then I got over that and everything. We come from different scenarios, but we feel left behind and stumped on what to do, yeah? My only advice is move along. Move along, just to make it through.
I'm glad to think that I'm not the only one. I like to think that it will somehow happen and that I should just stop worry about everything because it makes me sad. You have to move along, don't you. Self-pity is useless.
