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My Fiance's mother...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by someoddgirl, Oct 5, 2012.

  1. someoddgirl

    Regular Member

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    So, I have been with my girlfriend for four and a half months and we have known each other for six years. I asked her to marry me a few weeks ago. I make her very happy, and she does me also. Everything should be good and we should have a long, happy life together, right? I'm afraid not... I'm twenty and she is seventeen. I came out to my mother, and after many arguements, she finally calmed down. But then she said that my girlfriend had to come out to her mother and gave her a deadline. My girlfriend, Allie, wanted to wait until she moved out, because she didn't want to have to live with her mother's hate, but she told her. Her mother locked her down. Absolutely no communication with me. Then her mother called me and said things like "my daughter will never be happy with you", "If you know what's good for you, you will stay away from Allie", and "You have manipulated my daughter into this relationship" (and all I said was "yes ma'am" because I didn't want to come off as disrespectful. I tried to shake off all of that, but later that night, she went into round two via text, with things like "I regret moving my family to this state because of you", "you are sick in the head", and "my daughter was perfectly normal until you". She said a lot more, but you get the idea... Not to mention, she keeps threatening a restaining order... So, I know what you're thinking, why doesn't Allie just move out and move in with you? 17 is legal... Allie loves me. She wants a life with me. But she wants her family, and with me, she will be cut off. So we are at a standstill. Allie is trying to figure things out and figure out what she wants for her life. What should I do? What should we do? I just need help...
     
  2. Romi

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    I'm going to start off by mentioning something you probably don't/won't agree with and therefore will not want to hear, however I feel it should be said. While I understand that every relationship is different, the thought of proposing to someone so young while you yourself are only 20, is simply a bit rash. You're rushing life. Even if you two do end up being together forever and marrying, shouldn't you enjoy just growing and being together as a loving couple?

    I can't speak for either of you, but I was there once. 18 and planning to marry the boy I had been with for four years after graduation. I'm so glad it didn't work that way. Things change, people change, and even when they don't change...sometimes that expectation adds unforeseeable pressure and stress. So just be careful with that kind of thing and take it slow. You've got plenty of time, both of you.

    On to the mother situation:

    It's obvious that her mother is not at all open-minded about her daughter being involved with another female. It's unfortunate, but it happens all too often. I think that it was a good thing you were respectful, but there is a fine line between being respectful and allowing yourself to be walked all over and insulted.

    As an adult, that woman should have known better. Even if you are just 20, you're still young enough that she should have remembered her own age. Resorting to indecent and immature spewing is uncalled for, despite it being expected in a situation like this.

    Allie is under her mother's care, so there isn't much you can about it for now. I urge you not to try anything rash, and don't encourage Allie to do anything like that either. Sneaking about or trying to threaten or bully her mother into getting her way will only make things worse. At this point you just have to do your best to educate her mother and help her to see that there is nothing wrong with the way you two feel about each other.

    I know this is easier said than done.

    For Allie, it's going to be particularly difficult. Choosing between your family and the person you love is no joke. It's a choice that people sadly are forced to make. It shouldn't be that way, but it happens sometimes. I hope, though, that in time Allie will be able to show them that it's not all bad, that it's no different from a man and a woman loving each other.

    Until then, even if it means waiting for Allie to be able to get away from them, you just have to try and be patient, trust in her love for you. If you feel that it wouldn't be detrimental to you or Allie, thought from the sounds of it that's a possibility, try and see if her mother would be willing to have a calm grown-up discussion about it with you. That way she could explain her views and thoughts, while allowing you to do the same. If there is ever a way that you can ease her concerns, I would suggest trying.

    But remember. Patience. Maturity. Faith. And don't forget that we'll all be right here for you.