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I think I need help.. I think I might be depressed...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TroubledRyan, Oct 5, 2012.

  1. TroubledRyan

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    I really do not know how to start.. or what exactly I should say.. so if I actually post this it will probably be choppy.

    I feel so extremly empty, so alone. Seems as if there is a dark void forming within my very heart.. and it is such an uncomfortable feeling. My mind is my worst enemy. When I'm alone all I can do is think, I think about the worst things imaginable.. I don't know why, I just do.. and they hurt. I think about people close to me dieing, it keeps me up all night. More specificly I think about my mom dieing.. being murdered.. and I cry, it just hurts and I can not loop my head around why I do this to myself.

    Recently I lost someone I had considered my best friend, in a really bad fight. What is bad about that is that I had a harder time getting over a guy I was having sex with for a month, compared to the friend that I have known since elementry school. It is completly pathtic that I can detach myself from someone I loved for so long, and not someone who was just using me.

    Anyways, that is not really the problem, just a side note. I have no motivation for anything. Not to work, not to meet new people, I barly have the motivation to go to school. I'm just a hinderance to society, and I really want to get out of the way.. I want to die.. so bad, that is all I want. I wish some how I would die.. I wonder what it would feel like.. I wonder what my reaction would be. Would I take it back if I were about to die? and wish that I could live..? Would I be happy?

    Now before anyone freaks out, I won't kill myself... I can't, at least not yet. It is to cowardly, I would be leaving the people who love me hurt... the problem isn't that people do not care about me... I know people love me... my problem is myself. On that note, I do not self inflict injuries apon myself either.. What if I car hit me? would it even count since I wanted to die.. it just isn't fair. I never asked for life... and I go to hell if I kill myself.. heh, I'm probably going to hell anyways. I really I'm a horrible person.

    I'm seeing a counclor, she is such a sweet lady.. However she can not fix what has happened to me, or what I have done. She can't fix my parents or my family. She has no control over the situations around me.. all I can do is talk about them. Talking really isn't that helpful... its nice.. but the wrongs can not be undone.

    I guess I'm just at a point of self loathing.. and joy, people are home and it is time to put on yet another fake smile. Well I'm done, post what ever you want, or ask me questions if you have any.
     
  2. Crazyguy

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    A combination of medication and talk therapy is excellent for fighting depression as is exercise. Your councilor can help with the talk therapy but you'll need to see a doctor to be prescribed medication. Think of clinical depression as just like someone who is diabetic. We don't think anything of a diabetic taking insulin to correct an imbalance in their system. Likewise someone with clinical or major depression may need meds to keep their mood balanced.

    Don't lose hope. There is life after depression. Get the professional help that is available and get healthy. Best wishes.
     
  3. TroubledRyan

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    I don't want to take medication. I HATE meds, I already have to take some every night to keep my migrains under control. I already Im going to have to use those forever probably. I understand the good in them, I just can not stand the thought of having to use them because I can not over come my own problems myself. life seriously can not be this bad..... but maybe I do need them. I'm just really objected towards it. Exercising is fun, but I can not find the motivation to do it..
     
  4. Chip

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    Our society is grossly overmedicated, and people have gotten into this idea that any time anyone feels anything unpleasant, they should immediately reach for medication to solve the problem. (This viewpoint courtesy of billions of dollars in advertising by the makers of said drugs.)

    So you don't need to be taking any meds unless your therapist believes you need to. And even then, it's your choice. The overwhelming majority of problems such as yours respond very well to therapy -- which tends to be a long-term fix, unlike the medications -- but you have to give it time.

    Talking about what's going on for you is the best way to work actively on feeling better. And you're doing that with your therapist, and can continue to do that by sharing your feelings here on EC.

    The doomsday feelings you are describing are actually pretty common. You're just having a bit of a stronger experience of them than most people. Brené Brown refers to what you're describing as "foreboding joy", and in part it's a way we learn to numb ourselves to "brace" us for what we fear is inevitable letdown. But the problem is, the more we do that, the more we insulate ourselves from being able to feel joy, happiness, and the other positive feelings.

    You're right that your counselor can't fix your problems. But she can help you understand how to cope with them, and help you develop strategies for getting out of the unhealthy situations and into healthier ones. Are you being completely open with her about what you're feeling, what's wrong at home, and the other issues?
     
  5. TroubledRyan

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    I try my hardest to be open with her. I'm a pretty open person to begin with, but when things tend to get really personal its not that I lie, I unintentionally don't tell her everything. So I try to realize when I do that and fix myself, but I think i do it alot. Or I will soften the 'truth' up for myself. I really don't know how to explain it.
     
  6. Pyrotactick

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    I'm sorry.... I was like and I still sort of am. It's just curiosity right? Sometimes you just want to die to see what happens, to hell with this place, people die all the time! That's what I think...but then I don't know why...but I believe somehow I'll regret it, I'll regret my death for myself and hope I just lived a little longer to make someone smile...that's how I live my life now. Don't live for yourself, live for others. I mean...you can indulge and not be totally selfless.

    Hope sharing this helped...prob didn't. Anyway, maybe the reason why you feel like you can't be fixed is because your afraid to restart after all that's happened, you just don't want to give up. Try something new, usually that kicks off some enthusiasm for adventure. If you never drink diet pepsi, take a cup. Do a dare, just do something different.

    Good luck, and don't you die on us!