Confusing signals getting me down

Sorry in advance for the rant. I need to vent, and don’t know anyone IRL to talk about this with. I wrote last month about a bloke I met again at the uni after the summer holidays, and how after talking a bit and also chatting over Facebook, I really wanted to be friends with him -- and was trying to get over my attraction to him, so I wouldn’t be so nervous. He seemed to want to be friends too -- said he didn’t know many people here (which I don’t either), asked what I like to do, said we should keep in touch, etc. We were both pretty busy (and still are), but he invited me to join with another friend to do something this weekend.

So, we’ve been working/swotting all the time during these weeks (we’re in different buildings that aren’t near, so never saw each other again until earlier this week). A couple of times, when I was free, I invited him to do something. He was busy with work or doing something with other friends (other times he was back home, but had told me in advance), and that was fine. He was really apologetic about it, but I know he’s busy and wants to spend time with his girlfriend (back home) when he can, so I understood completely. He was also slow to reply to my messages, which weren’t very frequent, so I decided to hold off and wait for him to initiate something, except for a greeting at the weekend. I imagined he was just busy, and I didn’t want to be a nuisance. The thing is, he didn’t. When I send him messages (FB or SMS), he always replies eventually in a nice way (using lots of smileys, which he tends to do), but he only replies.

To make things even more confusing, I had convinced myself he’s perfectly straight, since he’s got a girlfriend back home that he met during the summer, and his Facebook profile says he’s straight. That was helping me to get more comfortable with the idea of being more outgoing towards him. Then this week we had a class together one day, in the afternoon. In the morning before it, we were both on Facebook, and I saw some notification that he had ‘liked’ something about (supposed) nude photos of Justin Bieber and his girlfriend. WTF? Why would a straight bloke be interested in it? What explanation is there? I’m bi, and I’m not even interested. I didn’t look at the details, but when I checked Facebook again, maybe an hour later, it was gone. (I guess he un-‘liked’ it? IDK.) It was the only time we’ve seen each other since September, and especially after that morning, I was nervous like hell again -- plus I had classes right before and after, so was stressed and had only time to say ‘bye’ when we left.

I assumed the unresponsiveness was down to being busy, and was really looking forward to today, when I could relax, get to know him better, etc. I also turned down a couple of other invitations to do things today, since I expected to be busy. Well, yesterday I texted to ask if it was today, since he hadn’t specified the day/time, and I hadn’t heard anything. He replied and said that it’s next weekend. Well, OK, I just wish he had told me before I declined other plans. Not only that, but he told me that today he’s visiting his friend X, going to this thing this evening with his friend Y, etc, and asked if I had any plans. I said I had no plans for Saturday, kind of expecting it would be obvious why. He didn’t reply for a few hours, but when he did, he just wished me a nice weekend and mentioned when we’ll see each other next week. I was so disappointed, but didn’t want to make him feel bad, so kept it to myself.

I just don’t know what to think. I know he’s under a lot of pressure right now -- maybe even more than I am -- and I definitely don’t want to do anything that will make him feel bad. I’ve also enjoyed what little talking/texting we’ve had time for -- which isn’t much. He just always seems so kind and thoughtful, and smart/knowledgeable enough for deep conversations too. It’s hard to find people like that. At the same time, can he really be oblivious to how this thing about today has made me feel? Going from super friendly to not initiating any communication is confusing enough, but then changing plans without telling me? Maybe he just mixed up the weeks the first time. I hope so. But telling me where he’ll be going and what he’ll be doing with his friends? Why? I know it wasn’t intentional, but it felt like a kick in the stomach when I had worked so hard to make sure I’d have today free (finished my work for the week, declined other plans), and suddenly realised I’d be sitting home alone, which is what I’m doing now. :tears:

I want so much to be friends, but maybe he just doesn’t care after all. I’m trying to think it’s something else, since he is busy and under a lot of pressure, but if he doesn’t care, I don’t want to be a nuisance, and I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t know anyone who’s openly gay, and I don’t tell people I’m bi (although I probably would if asked by someone who isn’t a complete or near stranger, and is accepting of it), so this is the only place I feel like I can vent. Even though all I want is to be friends with him, I somehow can’t talk about such things with straight blokes. I don’t know if I should ignore the confusing signals and be more assertive, or if I’ve already overdone it and should wait. At least I can look forward to dinner with some (non-complex!) mates tomorrow, which will help me stop worrying. But today, I just feel so lonely and sad. :icon_sad:

 

Thanks Lance, for the advice. Maybe you’re right. It’s just so confusing because he was more pushing to be friends with me than anyone I’ve met since I came to this city/uni, but now seems to have no time when I have. He’s also one of the few students I know who isn’t either planning to leave after finishing, or a local (so with deep connections already). I was really hoping to have a good friend in the same situation as me, but there will be others.

I know some people act really nice to everyone, and don’t ever mean it. It’s something I dislike and can’t do (I even mentioned it to him). I’ve known a few people like that, but I knew it’s how they were, so I didn’t take their friendliness for more than it was. Maybe he’s like that too, and I just didn’t realise it. Oh well. :icon_sad:

I think his super friendliness is probably why I started feeling an attraction too, since I thought it was real. At least if it isn’t, and I accept that, the attraction will probably fade.

 

No, that’s another thing that’s confused me. The fake people I’ve known have always been like you say -- very cocky, loud, etc. -- but he’s the opposite. He’s very unassuming, and at least with me, he’s commented more than once on how smart and hard-working I am etc, with the sort of undertone that he didn’t think he was as good. Also, when we’ve debated research papers in some classes, I can remember him often supporting points I’ve made, and I can hardly ever remember him disagreeing with one of my opinions. When he’s disagreed with others’ opinions, he’s always done it in a modest way too. He’s seemed very respectful of others’ feelings, which is one reason I like him.

You’re right, and that’s what has made me give up on the idea that he’s just been busy, and think that he’s either fake or for some reason changed his mind.

Thanks for the support!. I’ll think about it, but maybe I’ll mention it when I’m feeling a bit better. I just also have to keep in mind that he’s known these other friends longer, and maybe they didn’t want someone else tagging along if it’s something they planned some time ago. It’s a specific yearly thing tonight, so they probaby planned to go long in advance, and it could be he just forgot about it before.

---------- Post added 6th Oct 2012 at 12:18 PM ----------

To give him the full benefit of the doubt, in September he did only say this weekend generally. He may have assumed I’d think it was tentative and not adjust my plans for it until he gave a specific day/time, and that, since he didn’t, moving it to next weekend wouldn’t matter. Even so, as you say, he ditched me today, and that’s clear. He knew I was free and could have invited me along, but for whatever reason he didn’t, and that tells me something.

 

Thanks again to both for the comments. It also really helps to write down what’s on my mind, and to have someone read my rant.

With a day to cool off and reflect, I think my situation has been mostly my own fault. It’s hard to get everything across in these posts, but last term, he was friendly, and I was only cordial in response, and we rarely talked outside of classes. I was really stressed, with my studies going too slowly, a theft where I had lost a lot (including my computer with some work I hadn’t backed up) and cold/flu almost every month. Our mother tongues are different too, and I was nervous because of a slight attraction (which recently got much stronger), so it was just too much.

In the last few months, things for me have improved a lot. I feel back to normal, but it probably seemed strange to him that after showing so little response to his friendliness before, I suddenly did after the summer. I know I’d find it strange if someone acted like that and I didn’t know why. Since he’s under a lot of stress right now, maybe he was in a bad state when I started finally responding to his friendliness, so over-reacted. I still behave somewhat awkwardly around him (because I can’t completely overcome my attraction), so I might seem confusing/odd to him too.

I was so excited that we seemed to click, but we still don’t know each other very well. Actually, the friend X he visited today is a mutual acquaintance, but I never really talk with him. I’ve tried a few times, but he just seems uninterested. He’s from this city, so I think he probably has a local network of friends. Anyway, since the friend I like was visiting him, not the other way round, I can see it would have been awkward to invite me too. They’re also doing some joint work, so if they were working (he didn’t say), it would have been even more awkward.

The other friend Y I don’t know at all, but maybe the slow response was because they talked about it first. I’d be happy for him to join me with other friends I know better, but maybe his friend Y was apprehensive -- or he was. If that was it, then only getting to know each other better can change it.

I’ll just give it time and see. He’s never been unkind to me (or anyone else I’ve seen) at all, he’s just seemed to inexplicably back away after his strong reaction when we started talking/chatting (and when we first started really talking, it was after some beers, which made it easier). It really confused me, but if I disregard that as an inexplicable thing, then things look much more normal. Whether it will work out, I don’t know, but with adjusted expectations, I think I can avoid similar disappointment, and if it does work out, it’ll be worth it.