hello all I've been on these boards for a few months now and fine them to be very helpful in a lot of way but i just need to vent for a second because my mind is going crazy. I have a roommate/best friend whom i think might be gay. Well I am pretty sure he is. I don't know what I should do. Little back story. He is almost 27 years old and has never had a girlfriend (except his high school girlfriend) He hasn't had sex in almost 5 years. He told me while in college he had a bunch of one night stands (bc his ex girl friend told everyone he was gay) He could never finish during sex and had to be wasted to have it. He has told me that its because he thinks he needs to have emotional connection with a girl before he can have sex. Which brings me to this: I asked him one day if he has ever had an emotional connection with anyone and he said yes with 1 person and that one person is me. He said emotionally he thinks he's gay but sexually its just not ideal. Every couple of months he goes on a date or 2 with a girl then comes home and says on the next date he wants me to come with them because he doesn't know if he likes them. The last time this happened I told him i was not going to hang out with them until they went on at least 5 dates first. Well lets just say they went on 2 dates and it didn't work out. I have known him for 3 years and he is a very good looking guy. He brought me home to his hometown for a week last year in Tennessee. His Dad loves me and texts me all the time. He takes me on trips with him and his dad. Him and I are planning to go home to see my family on the east coast in the spring. He grew up in TN in a Catholic high school and family. His Dad is fine with me being gay. I have seen him check guys out and say they are attractive, very rarely does he say a girl is hot unless its a celebrity. He says his issues with women are bc his mom emotionally abandoned him growing up so now he doesn't trust women. Part of me thinks that is an easier cop out that coming to terms with his sexuality. He thought he was gay or bi in college but "decided" he wasn't. He has recently said to me that i am the only person he can be himself around and that he feels safe with me. now real fast on me: I am out and have been out for about 4 years. Everyone in my life that meets me loves me for who i am and i am pretty much myself around everyone. He has known i was gay pretty much from the beginning. since living together for the past 9 months, i have developed feelings for him. We pretty much do everything together. We cook dinner and grocery shop together, laundry, clean together, see friends together, we are seeing PITCH PERFECT tonight together. I think a lot of people think that we are a couple. a couple of weeks ago he told me that he realized that he doesn't love himself and that he hates himself. I think i know why he hates himself (i was there in his shoes 5 yrs ago) but I don't know what i should say, if anything any advice is appreciated !
Well, keep in mind this is all coming from someone with virtually no experience in life. Maybe you could talk to him and tell him something like " I understand how you feel, like when I realized I was gay..." then he knows you understand and are there but you aren't putting him on the spot, which can be upsetting. Best of luck, I hope it works out between you two.
Maybe next time he wants you to join him on the date you jokingly say 'why dont we just forget the girl and go on a date with just us' if you say it in a way where he can just laugh it off if he wants to then it probably wouldnt hurt. Maybe you could just try and get onto talking about how you felt when you were coming out and how hard it was.
Aww, that's cute. You guys practically already seem like a couple. What about sitting down and talking to him about how you feel? He's already stated he's emotionally attracted to you and having you confirm the same feelings would probably be great for him. It would also be good to say that you know how he feels and what he's going through. Try to tell him that it's ok if he's gay and shed some positive light on it.
Hi there! Welcome to EC! As hard as these situations are, your friend pretty much has to accept himself first and be okay with his sexual identity. It seems that he is having a hard time to come out to him. Being with him. and showing him that it is okay to be who you are, is already very good. Being a role model for him, and spending time with him, will help him to slowly come to terms with his own sexual identity. When he gets down on himself, or you feel he wants to talk, just sit down beside him, and listen. Sometimes, it helps to ask one or two questions. For example when he says "I hate myself" "or "I don't love myself," just ask "why is that?" and let him talk - whatever the answer be as empathetic and understanding as you can be. You know that he is already happy to have you in his life, and is trusting you. Being there for him, and showing to him that you can listen to different things will help him to be able to start getting things out - at least start with it. If he gets pretty down on himself, sometimes it helps to emphasize the positives, or reaffirming that you are here to help him to get through this. You know him well, so maybe try doing things with him, things that you know he likes doing and is good at - whether it be an outdoor activity or one of his hobbies. It will help to start building up some self-esteem.
Thanks guys Yeah, he has asked me about my coming out and how my family and friends reacted. I try and just tell him that being gay is just another part of who i am but it doesn't define me. I don't feel the need to go to the bars in West Hollywood (we live in la) and he sees that. I think he slowly questioning himself. My dad came out here in May for a week and he saw how great our relationship is, it wasn't all that good until I came out. He doesn't have many friends and is pretty much a loner. He says its because he can't be himself around anyone. I recently told him it was okay for him to like Britney Spears and Rihanna (i know of all the people). He is slowly admitting he likes musicals. I think he may have internalized homophobia (I learned on this board) He recently said if by the time either of us are 40 and don't have kids we are going to adopt together. And that he doesn't feel the need to date a girl because everything he'd get of a relationship he gets from me except sex and sex isn't that important to him. I did tell him that i have an emotional connection with him and he didn't seem to freak out. I noticed he will only get uncomfortable if we start talking about ANYTHING sex related. rx79g - you are totally right about having no experience in life. part of me just wonders if maybe i should try and just start dating guys but deep inside i know i don't want to.
How does he know he would not like the sex? He definitely seems gay after admitting stuff like that. Sex with women doesn't work for him and I hope he doesn't think sex with a guy would be the same. I think he just needs to become more comfortable to the idea of sex with a male and open himself up to the possibility since like you said he probably has a bit of internalized homophobia going on. He's probably just not letting his mind go there for now since he still has to work out things and accept himself. I'm quite sure he'd love it and enjoy himself if you guys did stuff at some point.
Hi there! This is going to be hard, but somewhere along the line, you will have to ask yourself "what is best for me"? Having an emotional connection is of course a very important part in any relationship but if there is only an emotional connection, it is possible that you will be looking for more down the road. On the one hand, it is great that you are there for him and are his friend, but on the other try not get into the situation "it will happen one day," because that day might never come. It is quite possible that he sees you as a very close friend with whom he can talk about anything and everything. He might not want to lose that, by taking it any further. In some ways, he is an a very 'comfortable' and safe place because and as you have said, he is getting everything he needs with the exception of sex. Given that you have the thoughts of "maybe I should try and just start dating" there is something to that. If you are really content with the situation, you would not have that thought.
i hear ya mirko its just that its hard for me to be sexual with a guy unless I'm emotionally involved. I haven't been with anyone in 3 years. I feel like we are too close and as long as we are close I am not going to let myself even get close to another guy. We have our weekends pretty much planned out for the rest of the year. We are going to Belize in November to build a house for a week. Before we were roommates i didn't have these emotional feeling towards him and honestly thought of him as a straight best friend. Now i don't necessary want more at the present time (i may down the road) but I am more torn on wether or not we are too close. But its hard for me to create some distance because I care about him too much. its funny because when he drinks he gets a little looser and will walk around in his underwear or sit closer to me on the couch but he doesn't drink much because he said he is afraid of what he will do when he is drunk. Sometimes i wish he would have some wine and loosen up and then we could perhaps open up a bit more. thanks again guys. i wish i had this board while i was coming out.
i do have one question.... do i tell him i have feelings for him at this point or not?? sometimes i feel like there is an elephant in the room and i don't know what to do. He never asks me why I don't date anyone or even talk of it. truth is i feel like i am in a relationship with him. we jokingly tell each other we want to punch the other (in a playful way) i think bc there is some sort of sexual tension. he asked me why i wanted to punch him the other day and i said i don't know and then he said yes you do but you just don't want to tell me. sometimes i feel he is just poking me waiting for me to say something but i just don't know what to say.
Reading through your last two posts, I was wondering, have you ever mentioned to him in a subtle or not so subtle way that you like him? It seems to me that your friendship is already more than 'just' a good and close friendship. And maybe this is also where part of the unspoken words come in, because maybe deep down within the both of you, you are afraid of saying and doing something that could end what you have, or at the very least alter it. If you already feel that you are in a relationship with him, and this unspoken elephant in the room, maybe think about saying something to him, and gauge how he reacts to it. Opportunities will present themselves where you will be able to say to him, "I like you" (to start with). I wouldn't lay it all out at once though for the reason that he is still (and from what you have said so far) trying to come to terms with his own sexuality. Laying it all out at once, he might retreat or he might not be sure what to do or say. I hope this helps a bit. (*hug*)
No need to be condescending. Fankly it sounds like you ended up having the conversation I suggested might help. Sorry if I some how offended you by posting.
Oh, haha. I wrote that in reference to myself because I don't have much experience and I thought you were more or less telling me to f* off. Sorry, I've been a little touchy today.
