well before i got here i told myself i was going to be out, because well im tired of it and its far enough away from the parents that its safe-ish. unfortunately so far ive only come out to the roommate and that was before i was even physically in college, once i got here and ive settled and met the neighbors and my roommates friends ive been put off on coming out. it stems from the fact that overall i am the short end when it comes to everyone i knows height so if things do go very south i could potentially be in a bit of a pickle, particularly one of our neighbors who tends to call things and people gay and gets very miffed quite easily (as in he came very close to beating the living shit out of someone for making some comment) and also because ive been talking this guy(s) who goes to another college(s) (i met them on one of those apps) and one of them is totally fine with being gay but doesn't want to come out because it will cause him to miss out on people and opportunities which unfortunately is a reality, and ive sort of had the same idea concerning my roommates friends since they seem like a genuine group of people but my insecurities and me not trusting anyone has so far prevented me from being myself around them (in fact whenever they are around and they say something completely ridiculous they laugh and say " come on were friends/buddies/bros right" in which my immediate response is "you're not my friend") and on top of that the way my roommate acts its as if i never told him in the first place, he too calls things gay and does other things that hint to that mindset. since ehs the only one im out to here ive been thinking of bringing it up but i just think it will be too awkward asking for his opinion on this stuff and the whole situation is also slightly ironic because my roommate acts more gay than i do, for example we were watching thor the other day and he kept commenting about how good looking he was and how 'cut' he is and wanting to be that cut (idk this jargon) and all his friends were joking about it.
I don't really think you need to actually go and tell people that you are gay. If something happens to come up about your sexuality or just sexuality in general, then you can talk about being gay. Otherwise I don't really see it as being a big deal if everyone "officially" knows or not. As far as missing out on people and opportunities, I wouldn't want to be with those people or have those opportunities if it means those people would be in my life if I'm not gay, but won't accept me if I was. For your roommate talking about being "cut," that is just a term used to describe a guys body when he usually has a pretty low body fat percentage and his torso is very defined and prominent regarding the muscles.
i know thats how i would prefer it to be, but with the way im distancing my self from everyone because i don't want to get hurt if i eventually consider them friends only for them to hate me after i come out, complicates it. i could just point out a hot guy and say "wow hes hot" but i feel as if id be forcing it then, though whenever we do eat together we're always pointing out the cute girls or the ones that are scantily clad. which i find hilarious because some of them have trouble talking to girls ---------- Post added 6th Oct 2012 at 06:40 PM ---------- also ive only ever really had one straight guy friend (and by friend i mean i trusted him) and he was an exception, so im new to making straight male friends on top of all this.
I'm far from qualified to advise you on this, but I do agree with the premise that quality people that you want in your life should think no differently of you "the day after." And if they do, they're not worth the worry.
i know, i have a mindset to please almost everyone and its just conflicting with me right now, i dont know how to get over it, let alone help my friend get over it as well. also, today my roommate brought one of his/ours friends back, ill call him jawn. anyway, we were waiting for SNL to start and when it did jawn when to go to the bathroom, i took my chance and stole his seat because its a really comfy seat. he comes back and sits at my desk (my old seat) and since the computer was open he went through my likes page on tumblr and saw all the gay posts. all he said was "are those two dudes" at a really nicely taken black and white (nothing overtly sexual/pornographic) and i said "haha, yeah, surprise" now im freaking out a tiny bit and i was going to ask my roommate for his number so i could text him and ask if hes ok with that but i was greeted with a loud snore so hopefully hes not upset.
alright so last night i managed to talk to my roommate about this, kinda. i was really nervous because ive never talked about my sexuality with him in person and im really lacking in guy talk? anyway, he asked me on friday if it would be cool for his gf to stay with us for a few days during spring break, i said it was no problem. last night i asked him (after a couple tries) about what he'd do/think if i brought a guy back to sleep over/ hang out, with the intention that most likely we'd share a bed, and that i wouldnt go past whatever boundaries he's set with his gf (like, if they kiss, we can kiss, if they cuddle,get physical etc.) he said that he'd be a little uncomfortable with it and would probably stay over at a friends dorm but that it was ok. i then asked him if he thought our/his friends would be okay with them knowing, at that point i couldnt really muster to say anything, pansexual,gay,bi, what have you, he kinda finished it for me "about what you really are" and that kind of hurt a little, but he said that they might be okay so im planning to do that as soon as possible, preferably on wednesday (national coming out day) but if i see them before then ill do it then (or try to). since im having trouble saying words ill probably either say "im not straight" which is the most accurate way i can put it without having to excessively explain myself, or maybe just point out one or two hot guys (which will be hard hehe) he then kind of asked about why all this now and i told him it was getting to me and its been preventing me from making friends and yadda yadda. thoughts?opinions?bacon?
I very much agree. I told myself I'd come out in college too (started a new college this year) and I have yet to come out (as far as coming out to people you just met goes, it's really just introducing yourself). That is, however, because of the fact no one has brought up the subject yet, so yeah. Does make it harder though, because the longer it takes for the subject to come up, the longer they probably think you're straight. Most of the time they'd just assume that. What also makes it harder is that I know one girl from my class, we go way back, and she probably thinks I'm straight. But oh well. I wouldn't worry about it too much, just tell yourself you'll be open about it when the subject does come up. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
I think.. you should calm down a bit and just relax. To me it seems like you really want to come out, even though you know the situation is not quite idealistic. Your friends sound like they are not going to take it that well, but when you drop the somewhat of a bomb, they will know what kind of person you are. Or they might ask themself if you have a secret double life, and wonder who you really are. Keep in mind that they might feel uneasy around you. If they are good friends, they might hold back jokes that might upset you, because of your sexual orientation. This actually bugs me, but for black people. God, I have few black friends. I mean, I'm not really racistic or have anything against people of other skin colours, but I am a guy who likes to make jokes, and I get uneasy if I cannot say the jokes. Not that that have to apply to your friends and people around you. I don't know how strong bonds you have with your friends, but after I've read through your posts, I feel like there is a barrier between you and your friends. I, myself, is kind of afraid of that big guy that almost beat the shit out of someone, ugh. But do you want to satisfy people around you, or do you set your own needs above them? How was it when you came out to your friends before college? Yeah and also, your roommate is uncomfortable with "what you really are" and as I said earlier, he does not want to hurt your feelings. I think you're making it hard for him by being "what you really are", but hey, what do I know. I haven't come out yet myself, and it is not like I am going to eighter. I like my life as it is.
i really want to just calm down and relax but i cant make friends here if all they are going to do is abandon me after i tell them this one thing, there is no double life and i only flirt / are attracted to gay/bi/queer guys (staying away from unknown guys, assuming straight) so i wont be hitting on them unless im really drunk which i have yet to achieve despite my other friends best efforts. my friends dont make gay jokes but here my roommate does and so does the big guy next door, its a non issue for the most part i dont really care. here, like i said im avoiding coining anyone a friend until i actually consider them a friend, they say im their friend and due to scheduales we dont see each other that often but its always on good terms. i know the guy is big but what can he actually do, words wont hurt me that bad, ive told/tell worse to myself, nothing anyone can say or do will hurt me aside from actual physical harm because i hate myself more than anyone ever could. i please my friends and most people, i only care about myself in the most basic regard, and sometimes not even then, it depends on each and every situation. when i came out to my friends in highschool everyone was happy and glad i did it, only one person was semi-awkward but was the most enthusiastic in wanting to help. also, they have very different mindsets, the people im drawn to and the people who are at my college are very different in most regards. he doesnt actively try to hurt my feelings, i get it, it only stung a little and i didnt challenge it, he's new to this, im probably the first LGBT contact he's ever had. so yea in a regard its a new situation for both of us, its hard on both of us to an extent. the only times anything like this has popped up was when i was on tumblr and i scrolled past porn (gay and straight) and said "ew porn" and he wanted to see it.
But they don't know that you would only hit on them if you were drunk. I feel like alot of straight guys ask themself: "does he have a crush on me?". But whatevs. Sometimes it feels like these "friends" are the only people you know at college, and if you are going to abandon them or they abandon you, it will be hard making new friends. I would say you wait a little until you're cool with them. Why would you tell people who are meaningless in your life about your orientation, anyways? Seems to me that your friends in high school were better friends. They were close to you and it was a natural to share it with them. In college people might be somewhat close, but are they actually on your side? Are they fighting for you or just with you? You see, I started college this year, and even though people act as friends and helps me out, I don't feel the friendship. I feel like they are just working with me, because they we see each other daily. I know he wasn't trying to hurt you. You just described what I wanted to say perfectly, as you can see, english isn't my first language. It is actually my third, I rarely speak english, ugh. You're lucky having someone like him. I grew up outside of society, so I don't really know true friendship. (I don't know how long you and your roommate have been friends). From time to time I would have someone like that, but they would just fade away. I think he is trying to stand by your side, but what do I know.
The dude sounds like a douche in my opinion. I'm not out, but I know if I was, I would've stomped him, but that's just me. Why not just come out, it seems you really want to, and there really is no reason, if the guy next door tries to beat you kick him in the nuts. I call things gay too, and I am gay, so it's more of our generation thing than a homophobic thing, I say the most things out of my friends. The fact he said he would go somewhere else shows you he clearly isn't cool with it, and a person like that can't be supportive properly, because they still don't accept, not saying he won't become cool with it, it just seems to be a bit homophobic.
I would tell them that i'm an open book so if they have any questions then to go for it, but i guess i may say it when i tell them as well. most striaght guys dont think that, if they do then they are quite the narcissist. i do know more people in college and yeah, they are a decent bunch, ive had to compromise somewhat because i would literally have no friends/ acquaintences if i only wanted to talk to people like the people i classify as actual friends. my roommate and i were a random match up, i texted him before college started and came out just to have at least one person know. yes, id say some of my closest friends ive made in highschool, i havent known them for long but we get along very well, seldom argue and for the most part its usually a silly misunderstanding. we help each other as well and keep in touch. these college people say they are on my side, i will find out if thats actually true in a few days. i dont feel a friendship either but they seem to think there is one. ive given up actively trying to see if people are free let alone trying to contact them so whoever i see is usually because we bump into each other or they are with the roommate. i know people who ive been good friends with fade away as well, most recently i lost one for no apparent reason that really bothers me, i tried seeking console here but no one really commented on the thread, im waiting for time to heal the wound, the scar it will leave behind, i dont know if that will heal. like i said me and roomie first met when the college gave us each others contact info, but i guess we get along, though he does not get my sarcasm. i cant say im dead set on coming out, i just really want to, because i told myself i would and because itll help my mood. i dont think the guy next door will really try and beat me up, probably be a little spooked and flighty if im nearby or maybe throw a slur or two. and i never usually say gay slurs/jokes but the guys next door and me and my roomie were playing a game and my roomie was being a butt so the guy called him gay and i commented that he takes it up the ass on a regular basis which was so ironic i laughed. i know that the fact he said hed go somewhere else may seem like hes not cool with it but first off i wouldnt expect a sheltered white christian texas kid to want to be near that and second if a couple was spending the night in your room, regardless of gender, its a pretty awkward situation nevertheless, i may have to give him and the gf some space as well even though there is zero potential of anything happening. its like a third wheel kind of awkward.
well last night i was in studio and my roommate texted me asking if our friend could borrow my mouse. i think it might have been the sleep deprivation but i really wanted to tell our friends so i asked my roommate if he was planning on having anyone over on Thursday but i got impatient and talked to our friend instead. Me:OY i need your attention for like 30 seconds so respond so i know you're doing so also don't mistreat the mouse it bites Friend: haha ok u got it Me: I'm not straight SURPRISE *20 minutes later* Me: u ok Friend: Well i am straight SURPRISE Me: PLOT TWIST I knew that but you're ok with it right? Friend: I don't care either way. i get annoyed when guys act really feminine but you're not like that at all. Me: Cool, now we can be friends Don't tell *his roommate* i suspect he knows but still
I was planning to not comment anymore, because you seemed to be so determined on coming out. But woa, that went great!
So today is coming out day and I came out to the other guy today, again through text because its the only way i can easily say it. Me: Art thou going to be here during break? Friend: No im going to visit my girlfriend in Idaho haha Me: that's cool, i remember you said something about that one time. this sucks tho no one is going to be here ;_; and before i forget in honor of today and because im probably not going to see anyone because of homework, I am not straight. *roommate* and *other guy i told* already know *20 minutes passes...again* friend: Hey im sorry was in the shower but im sorry to here that you'll be stuck here because it is going to be really empty .. and that's fine with me. i don't care either way Me: You had me worried there for a second Jesus ha friend: you timed the shower badly ha Me: def, so yeah im a tiny bit awkward taling about that stuff but ill answer questions n shit no prob. so theres that, and i guess the reason why i wanted to come out was because i wanted somebody IRL to talk to about it but it which i have no fucking idea how to do
^ Sh... That's why when people late reply, I try out to freak out XD because they might just happen to be in a place out of reception or no battery or away from phone XD glad it went well!
i definitely had a bit of a mini heart attack when neither of them responded after 20 twenty minutes, especially because they were replying really fast. i have yet to see either of them in person so i hope they dont talk about it but itd probably be for the better if they wanted to talk a tiny bit, like while were eating or something.
ha, good for you. Reading those made me laugh, because up here somethings people say they're not straight to mean they're wasted(mainly older people). So to me it just seemed like you were telling your buds you were wasted. Now all you godda do is tell the doucher next door,
psh i dont really need to tell him he can figure it out on his own he walks through the halls nearly naked (and one time actually naked) and i cant help but look. maybe if i say something he'll catch on but who cares haha.
