Hello Everyone, I’ve only just joined this site, but basically I wanted to ask some advice as I find myself completely confused- sorry this may end up being a bit of a ramble. A little background: I’m a 20yr old female at University. In the past I’ve always liked guys, but I’ve only had one actual boyfriend who I was in love with and though we got close we didn’t have sex. I find that I have never really equated a person’s looks/body with being attracted to a person, in fact I’m very comfortable telling my friends, male and female, that they look good/beautiful etc. because looks do not equal being turned on with me. I think I’m more attracted to someone’s personality initially and only after those feelings have been established does that person’s looks/body turn me on. I have a lot of religious friends (I’m Christian) that, though not homophobic, still believe that being LBG is a sin and would therefore might react with pity, (perhaps prejudice) and a view to trying to ‘change’ any person that they found to be LGB. My parents are actually homophobic- whenever the topic has come up they are openly prejudiced against LGB, though would not act upon that prejudice towards anyone LGB. To complicate things I also have a condition called PCOS, which doesn’t bother too much, except for the fact that it means whenever I like someone it’s more like I think I like them sometimes and then don’t other times, because my hormones are all out of whack – it’s pretty confusing. So the story: Towards the end of the last university year I got to know one of my (straight) female friends, Ann, a lot better (though we had chatted before I didn’t actually know her that well previously). As I got to know her, I liked her more and more as a person and a friend, until I caught myself thinking things that were a little odd to be thinking about a girl (as up until that point I was convinced I was straight) –I became really confused as to whether I liked her as more than a friend. Some days it was like I was trying really hard to monitor everything I said and did, because I felt feelings for her and didn’t want her or others to notice and some days when I saw her I’d be like ‘What was I worrying about? We’re just friends, there is nothing there’. I never said anything to her, but I sensed a bit of awkward tension sometimes and I sometimes felt her reactions and attitude towards me was a bit off/odd, so I wonder whether she realised things weren’t quite right. At the end of the summer term I was discussing LGB with one of my best friends and flatmate, Becky, and I almost let something slip, which I managed to cover by saying that I’d tell her about it next university year (didn’t want to lie); hoping that she would forget. Over the summer I talked to Ann a bit over email and I tormented myself with constantly thinking am I bi, am I not bi? Again sometimes I felt like I had feelings for her and sometimes didn’t. Upon seeing her again there was definitely some awkwardness, but after a few days I was convinced I didn’t like her in that way. Then there came the problem of what I should say to Becky when she asked what it was that I was going to tell her. I had started having dreams about girl/girl couples (some sexual, but most not) over the summer, but then- I think because I was worrying about telling Becky about my confusion so much- my dreams started featuring a whole range of my female friends, which distressed me because I don’t like any of them in that way and I started beating myself up for having such ‘weird’ thoughts. I managed to avoid having that conversation with Becky. However, I now live with her and 2 other female, straight friends, who I all love in a platonic way, but we constantly have this flirting banter with one another: comments about each other looking sexy/hot, us becoming lesbian couples, wanting each other’s babies/wanting to climb into bed with each other etc. When I first came back I found this a bit awkward (and wondered whether my friends would freak out about some of the things I’d said as banter, if I did ever eventually come out to them), but now I find I enjoy it and that has me even more confused, because I worry if my hormones were to sort themselves out it would turn out that I really liked one of my friends as more than a friend. The only contact the other two of my flatmates have had with female gay/bisexual people is two people who they recount stories about of being very weird/creepy. I also worry if I have feelings for my one gay female friend, because again she’s someone who I’ve got to know a lot better recently and I’ve caught myself being disappointed not to have talked to her each day and find myself wondering what being in a relationship with her would be like in a vague sort of way – but again I don’t know whether this is just because I’m messed up at the moment and she is the only gay female I know. I’m currently trying to lose weight, as this sometimes can solve PCOS and therefore the hormonal confusion I find myself in at the moment. But I find myself worried about what I might actually feel if I my feelings did become clear. I’m in no way homophobic, but accepting myself as bi and coming out as such would be very difficult, due to having homophobic parents, prejudiced religious friends and 2 of my housemates (and closest friends) having this image of bi/gay females as very weird/creepy, plus the flirting-banter thing. I find myself binge eating on bad foods when I get to the point of having lost a decent amount of weight and I think this is because I worry about my ‘true feelings’ and how others might react to them – so part of me doesn’t really want to lose weight. If you could give any advice about whether it is normal to have multiple confusions over liking friends (it’s quite seldom for me to like anyone, so this is very unusual for me), whether this is likely to be hormonal confusion (i.e. how often do you see these things where it turns out that the person actually isn’t bi) and also any general advice about how to sort out my confusion/worries or similar stories of yours then that would be fantastic. Thank you so much, UTR (Names of friends have been changed)
Normally I would say try spending a week or two in the mindset that you are bi and see how it feels, but that might be slghtly less effective because you said you don't check people out in a sexual way (if I understood correctly). It stll mght help though, you might find that you are more comfortable in your skin if you think of yourself as bi than straight. If you trust your gay friend you could ask her about what you're going through and what she's been through. That would probably help the most. Ultimately you are the only person who can decide what your sexual orientatin is. It may take a while but one way or another it will becme more clear.
Hey Rx79g, Thanks for the advice, I may well do that, as I know I can trust her to understand and not pass anything on. And yeah you understood correctly about looks not equalling sexual attraction - might have been a bit clearer if it did lol. Cheers, think I just needed to vent a bit as well. Thanks for reading and replying, UTR
