i've been in a pretty bad place for a while but i'm trying to work towards getting out of it. story starts 6 years ago in high school, i realized i was gay, and over the course of my sophomore year i came out to my friends, some of them outed me to the church who then outed me to my parents so as you can see being gay hasn't really been a positive thing for me. my parents were upset at first but are okay with it now, it's not really something that comes up. i'm from a small (ghetto) town where everybody knows everybody's business and eventually my sexuality got known around town. i started receiving death threats, any time i went to a party i'd leave due to being afraid of being beat up, so i became kind of a shut in till i graduated. i moved to toronto after high school for university, and i guess through all this my brain shut out any thoughts or feelings related to being gay and somehow i convinced myself that i wasn't gay, i was just confused before and am really straight. i look and act the part so meeting all the new people i did nobody asked or suspected anything about it. i went through girlfriends left right and centre through my first year (although i didnt sleep with any), joined my school's hockey team after dropping hockey in high school, and was arguably the most popular guy on campus. sexuality just did not cross my mind. eventually, my womanizing ways angered a lot of people and people started talking. a girl who went to my high school and the same university, to who i had told that being gay was just a phase and i'm through it, basically was like "no, he's gay, he was back home" (she's ironically a lesbian and is on the school's gay straight alliance - how supportive right?) anyways, i completely isolated myself from everyone at school, cut all ties, and moved in with an ex girlfriend of mine who didn't believe the rumours about me. through all this i was still convinced that i was straight. the past two years of my life i've been a miserable person, not getting out much, fighting with my roommate/ex/best friend, hating myself, putting on 30 pounds and losing my prized body. a couple weeks ago, i told myself enough was enough. i'm tired of hating myself and not being able to put a finger on why. i've been trying to accept myself as gay, because i have no problem with gay people, so why do i have a problem with myself being gay? i think it's because of all the negative experiences i have with it. no one in my "new life" knows i am gay for sure, not even my roommate. i am struggling with how to tell people, and how to be comfortable with it myself. any suggestions would be appreciated. sorry for rambling
Your post doesn't make it totally clear if you're in college, but I'll assume that you still are. It also doesn't say how big it is, so I'll assume it's under 1000 undergrad because at bigger places you can't be the most popular guy on campus because only a fraction of the people know you. As for coming out, I don't think it's too much of a worry in college. Most college kids are liberal, most are pro-LGBT rights, and you don't need to socialize with those who aren't. I know you can't do this, but I'm planning on not even coming out in college, but on moving in as someone who's already established to be gay; I might hang up a poster on my wall or have a tshirt or something like that. Best of luck!
You mention in your post that you were outed to your church. I dont know if that might be part of the issue. I was raised pentecostal, and I had a hard time accepting myself as a lesbian. Even though I wasnt really that involved with the church, I still had all of those beliefs in the back of my mind. It took me a long time to reconcile my sexuality with my faith. Maybe you arent a believer of anything, but its possible that those beliefs that you learned when you were younger are subconsciously affecting how you view yourself. I dont know if thats even close to the problem, but its something to think about. If that is part of the issue, remember, you were created to be who you are, not to try and be somebody else. I would think that accepting yourself for who you are should happen before you tell anyone. Maybe you are gay, maybe you arent, but you should never come out because other people want you to.
Hey, welcome to the site. I joined a while back when I decided I wanted to change things in my own life too, so I think you made a good choice. You will find a ton of people here just like you. Do you have any close friends you are still in touch with that you could talk to about this? I am out to two close friends, and for me it makes things a lot easier having someone I can talk freely too without having to worry about anything. By the way, since you mentioned you gained some weight, a while back I started going to the gym a few days a week. I can't tell you how much better it made me feel. Not just cus' I lost weight, but just to get out, and go do something I used it as a way to "clear my head". Try and pick something you can do to get out. Even if you go for a walk or something.
caudex, you hit the nail right on the head with my school haha i do have a friend i could talk to about it, yeah. it's just weird cause while i know i'm attracted to men, some days i wake up fully embracing it and happy and the next i'll be like what? no, i'm not gay, even though i fully know that i am. i've started to get back into my running groove, which has helped big time. gone are the days where i ran a marathon but it's definitely helping me clear my head.
What town in Ontario would you be receiving death threats from? I'm from a pretty hick town, and no one around here wants to kill gay people. I'm honestly just curious, I thought that kind of bigotry was non-existent in Canada. To go from out to closeted must suck, but if you lived in a town where everyone knew about you why can you not live in a city out? Cities are not tight nit communities, especially one the size and as gay as Toronto. Word will not spread with wildfire that you are gay there, Toronto is gay as fuck. If you are homophobic and living in Toronto, you most likely have no friends. People there do not tolerate hate. So maybe discover the gay city you are living in, it's one of the only cities where the gaybourhood is disappearing because gay people just live everywhere, and feel comfortable everywhere there.
i'm from simcoe county, it's very hick, as in people drove to school in tractors haha. i think i just associate bad things with being gay but on a subconscious level, because i don't consider being gay a bad thing at all
Yea your just homophobic. I live beside Simcoe County on the south end(Caledon), I guess I could see how you got death threats there. It is pretty hick, I at least live in an area that has a "stay away" attitude not a "die". Though I'm sure I would've gotten into a couple fights and would be in jail right now had I come out during highschool.(I am not a small guy and do not take kindly to douche bags) -------- Why don't you just go around Toronto and see the city, there are fags everywhere. I delivered furniture there for my teenage years and that helped me get used to really GAY people. At first I felt uncomfortable being in their houses but by the end of it I had no problem talking to them ....etc. I couldn't see anyone walking around Alliston, Beeton, or Tottenham as a fag though, so your pretty brave for doing so.
